The "I've lived/spent time in Japan" Commiseration Thread

[Greg]

Thought this might be useful for those of us who have experienced a similar trauma and needed to 'talk' about it.

I know there are things we all come away with. Things that wake us in the middle of the night.

Things we can't even tell our significant other.

This, is for you. We understand you. We're here for you 24/7.

[KingofSarus]

Interesting thread.

You're saying if I go to Japan this summer, I'll be fucked up in the head?

[captain usopp]

i prefer when you just tell us stories. :3

dude, saurus, have you ever heard his nose raping story? it is so awesome.

[Dark Lord Zenigame]

Interesting thread.

You're saying if I go to Japan this summer, I'll be fucked up in the head?

Can't do damage that was already done, you know. :p

[Sesshy]

Can't do damage that was already done, you know. :p

Maybe if he gets enough trauma it'll come full circle?

[Mokenda_mint]

Noseraping..... wait what?

[Arei]

I also request the telling of the noserape story XD

[KingofSarus]

dude, saurus, have you ever heard his nose raping story? it is so awesome.

I think I have... but I'm not 100% sure.

Can't do damage that was already done, you know. :p

I read that... but I'm not 100% sure.

[Greg]

This http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/137953.php is typically the kind of miracle medical breakthrough one conjures up when they think of modern medicine in Japan, balding men in white coats with goggles pipettoring to their heart’s content with a severe aura of concentration grafted into their flesh.

The medical achievements made possible by the efforts of Japanese research have proven invaluable to the world.

But their practical medicine seems to have dropped off somewhere around using leeches to suck out the demons causing your ailments.

This is a story from 2006. I was meeting Haru’s family for the first time and it was my first time back in Japan in almost two years.

The nightmares haven’t yet subsided.

To all of those considering spending time in Japan at some time in your life, heed my warning. Listen well, and never, ever forget.

In Japan there’s a saying that only an idiot catches a cold out of cold season.

Enter Greg.

It was the end of January and while most people were starting to relax and get off the OMIGODFLU bandwagon (a rather large bandwagon over here, large enough to fit 3 possibly 4 bands) I caught the flu. It wasn’t just any ordinary flu though. To this day I’m convinced that I was purposely infected with an experimental virus intended for use in a catastrophic bio-terrorist attack. But when the Jihadists saw what it did to me they were like, “Daaaaayum! No way we can use this, it’s too cruel! Let’s go back to blowing shit up.” You’re welcome world.

My body was reduced to an almost newborn kitten-like-state where my eyes were fused shut and I couldn’t do much but lay on my back and spasm while spurting out the occasional baby velociraptor squeal. It all started when I went to bed a healthy happy boy and woke up in the middle of the night to discover that I couldn't hear out of my ears and my eyes were beet-red. One thing led to another and eventually I was being taken to a hospital by ambulance at 2AM. I will remind you this was the first time meeting my future in-laws and I was only visiting as a tourist with no insurance.

The doctor gave me some medication to get through the night but asked that I see an ENT in the morning. Sure. No problem. I lived in Shiga for a year and during that time I was only severely ill once (in the Spring)

But nothing during that time set off my Painfully Archaic Medical Practice Alert so I was more than happy to see anyone that could make me whole again. Oh Greg, you ignorant whelp. The next morning my uninsured ass visited the local ENT’s office with Haru. I told the doctor about my stuffed up ear. He did a little test, jigged a little jig, threw some sparkles in the air and said it wasn't a big deal, he just wanted to get rid of the symptoms (SOUNDS GOOD TO ME) so I got some more meds and he asked me to see him again in two days.

Time Passes.

By the time of the next visit my symptoms hadn't changed much and I complained to him about still not being able to hear out of my ears.

In the known history of the World there have been great errors in judgement: Germans uniting under a man promising to save them, joining Heaven's Gate cult, messing with Rome, and of course Chrono Cross.

All minor snafus. Mentioning blocked ears to a Japanese ENT is like welcoming the Anti-Christ into your womb.

The doctor looked at me and said, "Well I guess we'll just clean out the ears then."

Me: “HYUCK HYUCK!!!! M’KAY DOC!!!!!”

He handed me a rubber stopper which he requested I hold in place in my ear. His four (FOUR) attendants then descended on me like harpies. They sat my back up straight , tilted my neck towards the floor and held my head in a diagonally forward/downward position. Meanwhile the doctor proceeded to pull out this. NOT to scale.



It’s called a 耳管カテーテル or ‘jikan kate-teru’ which means, ‘The Screaming Masses of Hell Joined in One Ferocious Choir of Unholy Damnation Under the Black Sky of Cthulhu’s Cursed Reign’. Some sources mistakenly translate it as an ‘Ear Canal Catheter’.

Guess what? It doesn’t go in your ear.

Weak of heart leave now.

The doctor casually shoved the device into my nose and then into the back of my face.

He turned on a compressor which blew air into the depths of my brain case and shot it out my ear, hitting the stopper and creating a sensation which I can only describe as having one’s head stuffed 4” x 4” box. Finally I heard a terrible cracking noise, like that of ten thousand Balrogs marching on Heaven’s gates, and the device blew through a barrier of mucus and opened my ear.

Allegedly.

For when he pulled out the writhing metal snake from within my FACE I didn't feel a freaking difference but BOY did I ever shake the shit out of my head and swear seven times to Sunday my ear NEVER FELT BETTER!

We’re done right!? Oh that’s right…I said BOTH ears…didn’t I?

Idiot.

Now truth be told, the ear he had just 'cleared' didn't really feel all that bad to begin with; the other ear, my left, while not in pain, felt like I was listening to the world around me through an Olypmic-sized pool. Needless to say the sacrilegious process was repeated...but failed. The blockage was too great. So what was the solution?

A BIGGER EAR CANAL CATHETER SILLY!

The doctor ceased to be that which saves lives and became a Harbinger of Doom as from his box of vile machinations he procured an even larger pike and shoved it in much to the dismay of my central nervous system.

But no, that one wouldn't do either.

Yes, this happened. I’m not embellishing. The HoD then pulled out a shaft the likes of which I've only heard whispers of in dark corners of the world as existing in pornographic videos that cannot be sold in broad daylight. The moment he plunged this unholy lance of pain and misery from days of yore into the inner caves of my nasal cavity, I could think only one thought and one thought alone, "My God, I have just been nose-raped."

My entire body shot up into the air out of the seat but his harpies held me tight. They shouted out (supposedly for my 'safety') that if I were to look up it would dangerous. I could actually feel the black tool in the back of MY MOUTH as is twisted and thrashed about inside me blowing against my eardrum. Finally the cracking sensation came. Tears automatically shot from my eyes and water ran from my nose, he pulled out the lance covered in my own boogers and a spattering of my soul as I let out a sigh of relief whilst stars danced in front of my eyes. The condition of my ear? No better, but he will never know. I wouldn't let him know.

So my good friends, if you're ever in Japan and you feel like you have a blocked up ear, for the love of all that is holy and good in this mortal coil, never tell anyone. Keep it as a tiny secret that only you and the invisible gnomes will know. Now go, run free as wiser safer people, knowing that your life has been saved by the great suffering of one simple man.

[KingofSarus]

................I feel like crying like a fucking starving baby that's alone in the alley.

[tigerlilly]

Oh the nose rape story...I thought I had surpressed the memory...Now it's all back, just seeing the pic of this ear/nose catheter thingy makes me whimper...:(


Oh and I heard the story that random guys on bicycles can turn your life to hell when you are not used to them because they are everywhere and can pop up in places that are just for pedestrians. And when they ring you better move away!
I think this vid neatly displays the symbioses between pedestrians and bicyclists

[youtube]lnL4fjMzsSU[/youtube]

[SMUDGE]

What the hell Greg? Seriously you've outdone yourself this time....

Expect a bill from my psychiatrist.

[Don Quichotte De Flamingo]

owww that story is without a doubt classic..
good that you can talk about it now a few years later..but it still feels horrible even for me
facing the horror you did broke a lot of people..but you grow stronger....
...
... well, isn`t worth the whole shit ,ehh

[Greg]

Where I live the bicycle retards aren't as bad but once or twice a week there's an obahan who thinks she owns the rode and rides 2 kilometers per hour in the middle of the lane.

In the cities though, it's really nasty. Not China nasty, and certainly not anywhere I know of in Tokyo, but in the outskirts of Kawasaki where Haruka is from it's a war zone. If you aren't careful you will get TAKEN THE FUCK OUT.

[captain usopp]

that's not good. there was actually someone that died in toronto from being hit by a bike. it';s no joke.

so what about those places where they don't allow foreigners? are they all over the place, like in the tourist areas, or just when you get into smaller communities away from the city? and hey, what if I can't read the sign and walk in? do they get all mad and shoo me out the door, or do they just stand there giving me angry stares?

[Chrissie]

...My God Greg! 0.0 My eyes widened with every word I read! You poor soul. I really feel bad for you... *shudders*

[RobbyBevard]

Japan. I love your cartoons and your samurai period.

But I don't think I could ever actually visit you.

[Greg]

so what about those places where they don't allow foreigners? are they all over the place, like in the tourist areas, or just when you get into smaller communities away from the city? and hey, what if I can't read the sign and walk in? do they get all mad and shoo me out the door, or do they just stand there giving me angry stares?

The overwhelming majority of those places are for foreigners' protection.

The only reason you hear about them is because the gaijin over here are annoying whiney bitches who want to be 'progressive' and 'global' by making the rest of the world think exactly....like.......them...

Really.

That's not to say there aren't probably some racist mother fuckers out there (my 'The Bakery Bigot' story is a good one) but a lot of what you see posted online are probably mahjong(sp) parlors, kyaba clubs, and other shady places that if a gaijin where to walk into, they'd probably be stepping into shit they didn't want to.

The problem is a lot of uptight assholes over here think they're being refused because of what Japanese people assume would be language difficulties and they think that scoring a perfect on Level 1 JLPT means no one can even suggest they don't speak Japanese better than the goddamn Emperor.

When in fact, it has little to do with that and more with the fact that ANYONE WHO WALKS IN THE DOOR USUALLY HAS TO PAY AT LEAST $100 FOR WHATEVER THE HELL SERVICE IT IS.

Then when gaijin hear that upon leaving they get all pissy and it causes shit.

I learned to let go of any pride I had a long time ago.

But then again...you guys already knew that

[Sea]

http://www.thegrandline.com/images/makeitso.jpg

Wut wut wut !!!!

[Mokenda_mint]

I have no shame in saying this. I laughed my ass off reading that story. Though traumatizing for you, you made it absolutely hillarious with your descriptions


Also, you are as sexy as ever in that dress