Elemights

[StrawHatRican]

EDIT: GIANT UPDATE OF DOOM

I posted this a while back in the Naruto Thread PURELY out of lulz since I knew it would get lost there.

It's supposed to be kind of a novelization of what SHOULD be a comic... unfortunately my best friend could never get around anything more than drawing a character design here or there...

But recently someone told me to put it here and see if I get motivated to finish what I started over a decade ago (and no this isn't all I have lol).

I give you Chapter ONE of "Elemights" (working title)

Elemights: Chapter One

Elemights Illustrated

[Chrissie]

Very cool story bro. :Y And it's a yaaaay~

[Sea]

Fine literature. Looking forward to more.

[dandywonderous]

Wow, he seems a bit unaffected by his wife's death... But, no matter.

Looks like an interesting story, ^^

[StrawHatRican]

Wow, he seems a bit unaffected by his wife's death... But, no matter.

Looks like an interesting story, ^^

In the grand scheme of things... her death was expected.

And King Furlocs is not exactly the cuddly type.

More importantly... I'll probably throw a new "flashback" here soon depending on the feedback.

[ChesCa]

Not bad, but I would like more to work with before I make a final judgment call.

[Badass SnoCone]

That was cool. A little vague as there's not much to read, but still definitely cool. Your writing style is amazing, though.

[StrawHatRican]

And with SnoCone writing what he did I've decided to post the entire first chapter here before the month ends.

The wall of Txt should be worth it but I'll try to CONDENSE it since again the story REALLY doesn't lend itself to novelization.

But I will try...

By the end of June you guys will have:

Elemights

Chapter 1: The Guardian's Choice

[Badass SnoCone]

Oh, by the way, Elemights is an awesomely enticing title. What was it derived from?

[StrawHatRican]

Oh, by the way, Elemights is an awesomely enticing title. What was it derived from?

No lie... but I googled it recently for lulz and I read the EXACT opposite of what you wrote.

The title comes from meshing the word Elemental Knights together... since pretty much every main character from the main crew is an "Elemight".

That's not to say there's OTHER types of fighters in the story thou (yes, this is basically a shonen manga with mountain destroying fights)

Important antagonists are (for the most part) Elemights as well.

So far you've met a Fire Elemight and a Water Elemight.

[Badass SnoCone]

Interesting. Funny about the google thing.

[StrawHatRican]

I'd link it...but I really don't want THIS Elemights to have anything to do with THAT guy's Elemights.

They shared only the name and his reason for the title made me want to commit mass murder.

[Kitsune Inferno]

LOL, you better write up some more. :) Join the writing brigade! Or else :F

[Uncle Kenny]

I'm really feeling your writing style, man. I love your usage of metaphors to paint the imagery of the scene and I'd say it's working out really well. I also find myself immersed and wanting to learn more so I really want to see the chapter you plan on posting. Just keep in mind that while condensing, you don't overdo it and remove prevalent points or "force" them. Emotional build-up is a staple of any good piece of literature.

I noticed a fair number of grammar errors in the second half of the excerpt but overall they're negligible. Though I will say that when the king kneels down to his wife, that sentence could probably be re-worded. Here I was immersed and then that sentence was so jumbled that I ended up getting lost for a second. Other than that, everything is looking really good.

Can't wait to see more. =)

[StrawHatRican]

@ Kitsune - Will do!

@ Kenny - Yeah I struggled with it a bit too since I was trying to make it a bit easier to stomach in a novella writing style. Problem is I struggle writing it since I have VERY specific visuals that I want to convey and this IS supposed to be a comic/animation project.

But with the interest being displayed I'll TRY my best to keep the audience guessing with chapter one.

Word of warning thou, there is a lot of exposition since it's the first chapter and I have a big world to show... but I'll keep it out of "The Architect" scene territory from The Matrix.

:V

[Dervish]

Ooh, I'm liking this draft. It's a little ambiguous, but I know that's because it's a work in progress. "Elemights" really is a great title, and it instantly conveys to the reader that we are 1. working with a story with fantasy elements and 2. that these elements are, well, elemental in nature. It's a good foot to start the reader off on. The idea itself is also very interesting--just by reading this excerpt, I'm eager to see how these elemental powers work and also the circumstances behind the Queen's death. It's too unfinished right now to critique the plot, but once it's fleshed out a bit, I'm very interested to see how it goes. ^^

As for critique, it's more from a grammatical/punctuation standpoint right now, some things that could maybe be improved upon to add a better sense of pacing. Is this going to be the actual dialog, or is it more of a rough draft? Anyway, for example:

Hidden:

"Even at the slightest hint of emotion he would jump at him with the rage only the Seas could match."

A comma after "emotion" would help the sentence feel less rushed. Also, I would combine the first small paragraph with the King's warning, there's really no need for a line break there.


While young prince Kendro was only a mere 4 years old

I'd change that to "merely" or "but a mere," sounds a little better.


He remembers the chaos that night, a wooly man with large antlers running thru the palace;

Should be "through." "Woolly" has two "l"s. Also, make that semicolon a comma.


King Arratice Furlocs, a man of tremendous stature and strength for his age;

Make that semicolon a comma.


Suddenly as if coming to the realization of something deeper he turned his hand into pure water and washed his son’s face.

Comma after "suddenly" and "deeper." Better pacing. Also, I'd use a more interesting verb than "turn into." "Dissolved" perhaps?


Your mother’s life is unsalvageable; yours however is only just beginning.

Comma after "yours" and "however."


.....I just need you to promise me one thing Kendro.” the King spoke softly above his son.

Comma after "Kendro."


The little boy, short brown haired that he was;

This sentence feels unwieldy. I would say "The little brown-haired boy," or "The little boy, short brown hair clinging to his face," something like that. Also, comma, not semicolon.

^ Anyway, those are just some suggestions. I do hope you'll continue with this story, I'm very curious to see the characters and plot develop (which is really only the biggest critique I can give so far, and I know that's because it's in its early stages of development). Keeping working on it, I think it has good bones, so to speak. Good stuff! :D

[StrawHatRican]

Ooh, I'm liking this draft. It's a little ambiguous, but I know that's because it's a work in progress. "Elemights" really is a great title, and it instantly conveys to the reader that we are 1. working with a story with fantasy elements and 2. that these elements are, well, elemental in nature. It's a good foot to start the reader off on. The idea itself is also very interesting--just by reading this excerpt, I'm eager to see how these elemental powers work and also the circumstances behind the Queen's death. It's too unfinished right now to critique the plot, but once it's fleshed out a bit, I'm very interested to see how it goes. ^^

I'll let you all know right now... the flashback is VERY ambigious since it's part of a BIGGER flashback arc (as you probably can tell by now).

There's four important characters mentioned in there (rest are "fodder" essentially) .

The Queen's death WHILE important only serves as an emotional factor in Kendro's character arc... the world unfortunately is pretty dark and unmoved by her death, which of course I'll expand on.

Actually... to give it SOME Hype.

Think of Kendro as the Zoro/Rock Lee of this story... big shoes to fill I know but he's THAT archetype.

He's not the main character for sure :V

Come Chapter One you WILL have a better understanding on what's going on and having this little spoiler of a flashback will certainly add a small dose of depth to Kendro's character initially.

Anyway, those are just some suggestions. I do hope you'll continue with this story, I'm very curious to see the characters and plot develop (which is really only the biggest critique I can give so far, and I know that's because it's in its early stages of development). Keeping working on it, I think it has good bones, so to speak. Good stuff! :D

My punctuation is fail so I'll be needing someone to probably look at rough drafts over here soon and give me some MUCH needed help.

Feel up to it :D?

Chapter One is looking like it might be in the 20-30 page ball park now that I am looking at this rough draft btw...

[Dervish]

Ah, a flashback. Makes sense then. There's certainly nothing wrong with an ambiguous start as long as it's expanded upon in the upcoming chapters.

Why, I'd be happy to proofread your drafts, if you like. Composition is kind of my subject. XD I'll do my best.


And I can't wait to see this mysterious first chapter, oh my. Seriously, keep up with this. It has potential--I feel that very strongly.

[StrawHatRican]

Ah, a flashback. Makes sense then. There's certainly nothing wrong with an ambiguous start as long as it's expanded upon in the upcoming chapters.

First chapter will introduce at least...

15 characters or so.

5 of them being the MAIN characters.

Yeah that sounds about right...

Why, I'd be happy to proofread your drafts, if you like. Composition is kind of my subject. XD I'll do my best.

K good... that gives me a bit more courage since you'll see past my grammar/punctuation fail since you'll expect it :V

And I can't wait to see this mysterious first chapter, oh my. Seriously, keep up with this. It has potential--I feel that very strongly.

"Those who cannot remember the past... are condemned to repeat it."

[Badass SnoCone]

Commas can be bitches, can't they? I've either not used enough commas in writing, or used too many. Never the right amount.