Confession Session

[Jejune]

When I was in early high school I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. I really wanted to go into that world so I constantly imagined a portal would appear so I could go there. Eventually, for several minutes, I honestly, completely believed it would appear at any moment.

After that I thought that's what it must feel like to believe in something extraordinary, like God. And I dunno how to make that sound less offensive, lol.

[Sea]

Here is something really weird about me.
I sometime cannot distinct between dream and reality. Sometime I cannot remember if something really happened or just a dream. There are dream that I apparently have dreamed multiple times. In reality I have experienced Déjà vu so many time that I lost count of them.

I have a really weird memory that record many irrelevant things, as some people here knew, but can be very absent minded. I remember what I study very well, fast and last long, but cannot remember my family members' birthdays.
I remember my birthday, but nobody celebrates it anyway.
As for history, I can record the events very well but cannot remember the dates they took place.
In other words, I am very bad with numbers, even though I am pretty good at math.

[LaCaSiNa]

How can anyone hate the dark?

I don't. I almost never have the lights on anyway, daylight and the light from my computer screen is enough for me.

Now if you were to put me in a forest in the middle of the night, then I would wet myself. But in my own apartment I prefer being in darkness.

[Bynums_kneecap]

confessions part 5 i think

today i feel like writing run on sentences and using bad grammar

it's 1030 a.m and i'm wondering why i haven't slept yet. i think some of the white girl had something to do with it but i took my last bump at like 1:30am.

now that football is on, i probably won't sleep until before the night game starts.. then i'll wake up after that games over and watch highlights until i sleep.

i feel like im wasting my life spending every weekend drinking. it's fun though.

my socks never match. which sucks because i end up going to some dinner party at this asian girls house on friday i think. as im walking in im thinking fuck i hope i dont have to take off my shoes, my socks aren't even the same color today. of course they got white carpet...

when i dream in my sleep or daydream, its usually centered around my high school athletic career. kinda sad in an al bundy type of way. but i played varsity basketball since i was a freshmen and quit in the middle of my jr year because i couldn't get along with my coach. at the time i couldn't understand it, but now i realize he was right about life lessons and shit. i think i would have been the shit my senior year. in my dreams i am anyways.

i know this isnt a thread to judged, but i been around alota messed up people, but some of the people posting their confessions in this thread make me ?????? crazy shit like i aint ever heard of anyone else describe. honestly i think it might be make believe.

ive had maybe 30-35 sexual partners without any of them being white or black. white girls tend to not like asian guys, even though im decent height 5'11 and handsome like tom brady (no homo).

the black story is kinda funny. i had an opportunity to hook up with this voluptuous vixen, she was 5'7 and maybe 160lbs, like she was thick in all the right places though. at the time i didnt think i was experienced enough and got scared because i thought i couldn't compare to the size of black guys that she was used to. i laugh about it today though so its all good.

watching the heat lose is equally as enjoyable as watching the lakers win. im a hater

god damn cant believe im typing this. i actually like romantic comedies. i know i dont seem like the type. i think i just want to believe in some love where all these extraordinary events occur for it to happen.

i used to get out of college around noon. i'd go home and eat lunch around the same time my sister would watch her soap operas (days of our lives, passions). one week she went on a vacation to new york or something, and i remember by Thursday i realized god damn i watched this show Monday to thursday before i realized she wasnt here and im watching this show by myself.

its not like i still watch these soaps, but damn for a good year and a half i can tell you all of the characters in the show and the plotlines

[Sheep]

Alright, confessions volume 2.

- I'm absolutely crazy for older woman (around 40)
- I almost became a father, which scared the shit out of me so badly that I don't even think about not using condoms anymore.
- I like Adam Sandler.
- I'm afraid of taking driving lessons because people like me just shouldn't be on the streets.
- I'm very interested in occultism and satanism, even If I don't believe in it.
- When I was a small kid, albanians and bosnians liked to beat me up for having Milosevic as a surname.
- I was a bully in school and ruined some peoples lives, something I regret every day.
- I absolutely hate watching sports.
- But I love playing basketball and I'm actually pretty good.
- I hate cell phones.
- I sometimes have phases where I get paranoid, but strangely only outdoors.
- I was a very weird kid and interested in stuff which just wasn't healthy for me. As example, I already started with like 10/11years reading about things like genocide and murder. But themes like this were always a important thing in my life, because I often also felt guilt because of some things my government did. I'm fine with it now, but It really disturbed me as a kid.
- I love looking at fire.
Edit: Volume 1:

Interesting thread. I've got a lot to confess, but I'm leaving the really weird stuff out.
- I'm hypomanic.
- I hate having water on my skin, the reason why I never go swimming. Taking a shower is awkward too, but I'm forcing myself daily.
- 90% of my relatives are dead. I saw a fair amount of close friends and family members dying, pictures who still haunt me til this day.
- I once almost went to jail because my parents wanted to scare me and not pay the police fine.
- I'm spending around 900-1000 Fr monthly on weed.
- I have a really bad sleep (average sleeping time is 4-5 hours on a good day, sometimes only 2 hours).
- I'm sometimes ashamed being a Serbian.
- I consider myself a hedonist and former misanthrope (during my "I hate you mom and dad"-period).
- I'm a former /b/tard and I am very ashamed to admit this.
- I'm way too cynical for my own good.
- You know how people pretend to be someone else on the internet and are actually nothing like they describe themselves? I'm the complete opposite. Nobody in real life knows that I'm actually pretty nerdy and enjoy reading manga, comics or watching animation movies.
- I hate the the taste of alcohol and I only once drank a beer that I didn't think tastes like shit.
- I simply hate too much things, which results in me being pissed a lot. The same reason why I don't watch TV anymore.

[Uncle Kenny]

Eh, I feel like paraphrasing all of my previous confessions and future confessions in this one post. I kinda just want to get them all out and over with and see them all in one place so I can reflect upon my life real quick. I've been depressed as hell lately so I might as well. I'll try to start out soft and then build up into the stronger confessions but even so there's still at least 2 or 3 confessions I won't make here (I have some deep and dark secrets, unfortunately).

---

WARNING: Not for the weak of heart.

Spoiler:

I attended a private school from kindergarden to fifth grade and then was immediately tossed into a public school because my mom couldn't afford the tuition. I had become a pacifist by nature so the transition was really rough. I overly trusted those around me and I never reacted with anger to negative abuse. I just shrugged everything off with a smile the way I was taught.

In middle school and for at least a good two years of my life, I was the target of everyone's senseless bullying. Though I never did anything to anyone, when the word got out that I was a pacifist it was hell each day just to go to school. I was punched, snuck, made fun of, had my possessions thrown in the trash and spit on, my shoes spit on, me spit on, and I was jumped twice.

The first time I was jumped they tried to steal my money but I managed to hang on to it. The second time I was jumped I was pinned in by a crowd of people against a brick wall and one black guy had me by the neck. He laughed and jestered as he took a knife out and slowly cut my face. Maybe they would have stopped if I screamed out or something but I was laughing harder than he was (I think I may have snapped or something). There's a permanent scar on my left cheek as a result.

Guess I lied about that soft to larger thing, I think I'll just confess chronologically. There was a time in middle school where I walked into the bathroom and saw five black guys jump some kid in there. Two had him pinned, one gave a speech about how his one friend, "Was one gay motherfucker", and the leader (aka gay motherfucker) moved in to rape him, one was watching the door. I acted as if I didn't see anything and walked out as I normally would. If I overreacted or something, they would have gotten me too. During this time period, I wasn't at all a hero or looked out for anyone. Later on, I saw the kid walk out crying and then the leader came from behind him and snuck him in the head just to add insult to injury. The leader's name was Muhammed and I'm sure everyone knew him.

There was a time where I was in a stall and those guys start slamming on my door and giving me the same speech about how he was gay and wanted to rape me. I ignored everything and just sat there. They tossed wadded toilet paper over the stall and at my face. I'm pretty sure it was piss or something.

I actually became a pretty fucked up kid and started torturing animals or watching animal planet and becoming ellated with seeing when a lion killed another animal. It was always more entertaining to see a baby die and their mother abandon them. Maybe this is why I hate it when people say how kind I am or nice I am these days. Even though I've changed, I can't stand what I've done in the past. I'll always hate myself for my past sins. There's an even worse confession involving my sins here than just torturing or killing innocent animals but that's not for here. It's my deepest, darkest secret and I know that eventually, the time will come where I'll have to atone for it. I won't resist when it finally catches up to me.

During this time period of attending a truly messed up middle school and being the target for much abuse, I also saw pain at home. My mother was with her fourth husband and he was abusive. I stayed in my room as much as I could and developed a habit of doing so. Every night I'd go to sleep to the sounds of things around the house breaking, hitting noises, and screaming. I think the first big break in my rise to confidence was when I got out of the bath tub from hearing my mom crying and him screaming, wrapped a towel around myself, and placed myself between the two of them. She was holding my baby sister at the time and backing into a corner and I vividly remember saying, "I don't care if you're bigger than me or that I'm naked right now. Stay away from my mom." Luckily for me, he backed off from shame.

Despite what you all might be thinking right now, my mother actually isn't so loving. She manipulated me and mentally tortured me. There's a side of my family that truly loves and cares for me and I was always happiest when I visited them and I always cried when my mother tried to take me back with her. Eventually, she twisted my mind so much that she trained me into feeling the opposite affect. I don't remember how she did it but she managed to make me cling to her every word and turn on my family. I feared them and didn't want to have anything to do with them. She hated the rest of my family so she did it just to fuck with them. She had me talk to them on the phone so they could hear how afraid I am of them and she even sent me over there once for a visit by myself just so they could see with their own eyes that she had "won" or something. I struggled mentally for many years until I could break her hold over me.

My mom has never done anything for me. She sold all of my stuff, stuff I received from other family members, and I clearly rememer that my room was no more than a matress on the floor and a t.v. on the floor. She never fed me and so I had to make ramen and eat that every day. She always lies to me and I know to do the opposite of what she says. This is how I've learned to read people so well. I can tell when someone's is being two-faced with me or trying to manipulate me into doing something. Ever since, I've placed up barriers that I don't think I'll ever be able to take down.

I'm strongly a loner not because of being anti-social or untrusting but because I'm too scared to break the ice. I think strongly about whether or not someone will hate me if I say something stupid and besides, I don't believe I deserve to be loved anyway. It's true that my mom conditioned me to be a pawn and to have no feelings for myself but I've broken that hold and I can see where I've sinned. I think I deserve nothing but hatred from people for what I've done in the past. I think people are able to feel my barriers and thus keep away from me.

In high school, I tossed away my pacifism and started fighting. I became violent and loved fighting. I have a problem with blood lust (though it's not as bad now but it's still DEFINITELY there) and I'll actually salviate at the thought of spilling someone's blood. I've been told that my personality does a complete 180 in a fight. Most of the time I'm calm and composed but in a fight I can't help but smile. It's overpoweringly thrilling for me. And I especially love it when the odds are against me. It might be arrogant but I don't think any human being with just their hands or a knife can take me in a fight.

Eventually, I came to realize that I had all the traits of a serial killer and actively began working on preventing myself from becoming one. I'm always restraining myself or holding back no matter how much I hate the person I'm fighting. I control my anger and have sort of merged my pacifist nature with my blood lust to create a calm and composed individual able to intimidate everyone around me. Though I fought a lot in my first year of high school, all years afterward no one ever dared to fight me again. At least 20 or 30 times people attempted to get in a fight with me but they all backed down when they saw my eyes. I don't yell at people, I just stare at them if they're trying to start something with me. So far, no one has had the balls yet to throw a punch at me ever since I started intimidating everyone.

Even my cousin who gave me the scar above my right eye from punching me said that when I snapped after that punch he was afraid to hit me again. I didn't fall down from the punch and it didn't hurt but his hand broke and my head split open. I could see my skull when I looked into a mirror. Your head is a lot more hollow than you think, by the way. The skull is about an inch or so in and it's covered in blood.

I didn't truly start calming down until I met Sami, my ex-girlfriend. She was (and still might be) the only girl I've ever loved. But dammit if my premonitions aren't always accurate. I told her that I loved her and she said she loved me just as much but I always corrected her. I knew in my heart she didn't love me as much as I loved her even if I saw that she legitamately believed she did. She moved away far north and broke up with me and so it hit me really hard.

I couldn't take it, I argued with my family and somehow managed to get a train ride there. I was by myself on a train ride for 36 hours and dammit those hours were the loneliest and emptiest hours of my life. We met at a park in a wide open field, wind blowing, really romantic shit. I made my case but it fell on death ears and she told me she felt nothing at all for me. I was devastated. Afterwards, I was extremely sick for an entire month. I think the depression is what made it last so long and be so horrible. It's been nearly two years now since she left me but I still think about her. It's hell for me to move on.

[Sheep]

Holy shit Kenny, respect for having the balls to actually talk about stuff this deep. I'm really feelin' ya. My family wasn't as abusive, but I completely understand what you mean with feeling really messed up for the bad things you did in your past. I wasn't bullied too much after middle school, but I completely understand the anger and madness you went through. I was kind of the same, but the worst thing about me was all these strange pictures that always popped up in my head, like seeing everything around you burning while driving in the car with your family, standing up every morning hating the world.
Weird thing is, a lot of this stuff just stopped after I turned 18. I'm still a weirdo, but at least I can hide it now and have some control over it.

[Uncle Kenny]

I like to think that I truly am a pacifist at heart, though. I feel like I'm trapped in being this violent and intimidating person when all I really want to do is nurture. I plan on being an amazing father because I don't want my child to have to grow up the way I did or be exposed to the worst aspects of humanity so soon. I won't smother them but I will love them.

[LaCaSiNa]

That is really brave of you, Uncle Kenny. I have also suffered from domestic abuse so I feel for you there. I was never manhandled by anyone, but after my father died my mom dated several abusive assholes and everything that happened to her felt like it was happening to me also. And when you've layed in bed with your mom next to you, crying, and his boyfriend sitting right next to you spouting filth and insults and exhaling cigarette smoke on top of you it starts to affect you too. That's not even the worst thing that has happened.

As a result of this I'm sort of intimated by adult men, especially if I witness even the slightest sign of animosity in them.

[Flux]

I don't do Pixar films or CGI Disney films. I also didn't get the fuss over Toy Story 3 and thought it was childish and ridiculously overhyped.

[Dryish]

That post should deal with anyone who has or had something against you here, Kenny. I have to admit that there was something about you that irked me, and perhaps frightened me, quite strongly, but after reading the story behind your personality and self, I cannot do anything else than respect you and hope you nothing but good in the future. Sincerely, you made me feel bad for you. Nobody deserves that kind of life. Sounds annoyingly very cliché and adulatory, yes, but is not meant to be that.

I am no psychologist nor even the right person to say this, but try to fight back and overcome the terrible experiences, which make you feel depressed and sinful, little by little. And if possible, try to make sure your past doesn't harm your future too strongly. And even if everything else caves in, you will always have friends to rely on. Don't be afraid to let them help you.

[Kitsune Inferno]

I just came to realize how absolutely absorbed I am in fantasy.

Almost every waking moment, if I'm not watching TV, playing a video game, or reading a manga, I am totally lost in thought either thinking of an anime or manga, or one of my stories.

Hell, I hardly think of myself and Kitsune Inferno as the same people. I'm so disjointed from reality it scares me. Even in my dreams, "me" is never me.

[Rich Applause]

Here is my confession I am 6'5", 220 lbs. and there's two of me.

[Flux]

I just came to realize how absolutely absorbed I am in fantasy.

Almost every waking moment, if I'm not watching TV, playing a video game, or reading a manga, I am totally lost in thought either thinking of an anime or manga, or one of my stories.

Hell, I hardly think of myself and Kitsune Inferno as the same people. I'm so disjointed from reality it scares me.

I used to be like that. I mean I'd be totally absorbed by my manga and anime and favourite movies and series etc.

In fact, to be totally honest, I've lost my love of Anime and manga a while ago. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it. I can watch Anime episodes or read chapters, but I just don't have that drive to do it anymore. I want to love it again because the feeling of being immersed in One Piece story was a great one.

I've begun to focus on RL much more with the time I've gained from it.

[Kitsune Inferno]

I need to spend some actual time IRL. Sure I have classes, but I ultimately don't spend as much time as I should outside of my fantasy worlds.

[Smudger]

@Kenny & iSheep

I got a lot of respect for both of you having the balls to say half that shit. I think I could probably copy/paste half of yours into mine, but I'm not so open about my past.

Some things I don't want to dwell on.

Anyway its good to see that despite how hard life's been on you, your both still cool guys.

Spoiler:

Conclusion: Its odd how things have changed here over the years. I always felt totally alienated by most of you, when in fact if we brush aside the forum shit we can see we all share a lot in common. I think most of the time we view others around us as having sheltered pristine lives, not having anything with each other that we can relate to, but the truth is the world is tough, we struggle, vent rage and bullshit our way through it all.

I guess in the end most of us are human.

[RPGJay]

Kenny, my best friend is a lot like you. So something tells me you're a pretty good guy at heart (though I've seen that in other threads prior, but I digress).

Do you have any close friends irl?

[Uncle Kenny]

Thanks everyone, for the kind words. I actually wasn't seeking pity or anything like that but it's nice to know that strangers are still able to feel empathy towards other strangers. For that, I thank you all.

Kenny, my best friend is a lot like you. So something tells me you're a pretty good guy at heart (though I've seen that in other threads prior, but I digress).

Do you have any close friends irl?

Yes, actually. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to make a true friend but I finally managed to. Prior to that, I only had one friend in middle school and he consistently betrayed me so when I finally made a true friend I was estatic.

My four closest friends are: John, Erick, Chris, and Stacey. In particular, Stacey has done a lot for me and I for her but I don't want to share her personal business without her knowledge. However, my closest friend is John who's like an older brother to me. He's gone through a lot of what I've gone through, some of it less bad and some of it worse.

Here's a picture of all my best friends minus Stacey:

Spoiler:

From left to right: John, Erick, Chris, Me, and Dylan (my cousin). Dylan is the cousin that gave me the scar above my right eye but despite all the fights we've been in he's still like a little brother to me. I'm proud to say that he thinks of me as more of a brother than his own blood-related brother.

And here's Stacey:

Spoiler:

I actually managed to get Stacey and Erick together and they've been going out ever since. It makes me happy because prior to Erick, she had some rather shitty tastes in men. I'd say she's almost as close or as close to me as John is. She's like a sister to me.

It sounds corny but I love my friends.

[RPGJay]

Is there's something corny about loving your friends, I don't want to be normal.

[Nami]

Kenny. A lot of the things you confessed goes for me, too. Mostly not in this strong way, but I can really feel what you're saying.
But I still think you shouldn't hate yourself for your sins. You should love yourself because you have overcome this time. You should look into the future and tell yourself that you're different now. This is something you can be really proud about. A lot of people are 50years and still are like this what you were. I have an example for this.

Last Monday a sat in a train. It was a cabin with 6 seats. I was sitting at the window and on the seat next to me was my jacket and my bag. In front of this seat layed my traveling bag. So 4 seats were still free.
3 older people came in. 2men and one women. I listened to music so I didn't get it first but the man was yelling. He said that I'm bordering 4seats for myself. I yelled back that I only have two seats and then took the jacket and the bag from the seat on the table. He took my traveling bag, I yelled "Caution, there's glass in it!" and he really THREW it over me on this depot. I got furious, I yelled. I don't know what I exactly yelled. Something about he beeing an asshole. Then he sat down next to me and started to spread himself. I had his arm before my face. He read a newspaper- I got as near to the window as I could but I still could feel and smell him. So I asked "Would you please be so nice and sit on the other seat in front?" He said "I can sit where I want to sit" I saw that it was meaningless and let it slip. He grumbled something, I said "shut up" and put the music on again. After a while I noticed how it got harder to breath for me and suddenly my eyes started to wet. Panic attack. I tried it one more time. In a really nice tone I ask again "Please, could you sit on another seat, I can't breathe?" With my crying eyes and he just didn't reacted. He ignored me. I fully started to cry. I couldn't handle it anymore, I was screaming and tried to breathe and were crying like hell and started to shiver. So I stood up and went over the table to the other seat on the window. I yelled again "How can you be such a fuckin bastard?? I asked you really nice" I started to cough and shiver more. I tried to settle down myself without effect. He said in an arrogant tone "I'm a doctor" but he DIDN'T DO ANY FUCKIN THING to help me!!! What the fuck???
I cried my eyes off. Other passangers noticed it and were comin in and asked if everything's fine. I explained them that this man came too close to me and wasn't changing the seat when I asked him to. They wanted to bring some porter but I said they should leave it be, I just need some time. After 10minutes I finally stopped crying. And my breathing was ok, too. I tried to close my eyes and sleep so I wouldn't have to see this man and his wife who said nothing at all. But everytime I opened my eyes again I just couldn't believe how someone can be like that. I said to them "When I'm as old as you I don't want to be such a bad person". 2 hours later they finally left th train. The last half hour I was with them I played DS with the music on FULL LOUD. I thought perhaps I could annoy them a little bit with that..

So.. normally I wouldn't acknowledge that I cried in public. And especially not because of something like that. I wonder myself why I panicked so much about that. Normally I can take things like that.
But I'm afraid of older men for special reasons I'm not sure I should mention here. It's not that I would have a problem with saying it. I just don't want other to think I want to act up or need some charity. I don't need that. I can't buy anything from charity.

but well... I think I forgot what I actually wanted to say... Oh dear..