I guess I really have a personality disorder. That's not shocking to me.
For the last 4 to 5 Years I thought I could deal with it, live with it, grow out of it. Be normal. But today I realized... Of course I was able to handle it the last couple of years. Because I had no too close connections. Because I kept myself from anything too serious. I was a loner and it was good. Everything was fine.
Now that I found someone I turned psycho.
And you know what's worse? I feel like I've lost. I thought I could handle everything just fine, cope with everything, be normal, live normal and now I have to realize.. that's not how it works. I can't escape myself. I can't run away from me, from my thoughts, from my disorder. I thought I could. I wanted to.
The mother of my mum commited suicide, my mother tried a few times. So what does that mean for me? I always told myself, I won't end up like this, I'll have an awesome life and evertyhing will be great cuz I will make it great.
And I can't. I can't escape my "fate". I can't escape it.
The only possible escape is to let nobody ever close again. To keep everyone at a distance. Because if I don't, I'm not only destroying myself, but them as well. And I don't want that. I don't want to be the reason why someone someday says "This bitch ruined me!". I don't want more people thinking "that time with her was bad and I regret every minute of it, I wish I've never met her in the first place."
I thought about a therapy, but how to find a good one and someone who has time more than once every three month and how to pay for it? I feel like I've sunken too deep to get any help now. And ... I don't want it. It's one thing to admit to myself, that I'm sick and might need help, but it's something completely different, having to admit it to some stranger who acts like he actually cares, because he gets payed for it. All my past experiences with therapists went.. bad.
I lost hope.