The Occasional Writings of a Procrastinating Artist

[ChesCa]

Pretty good, just a few technical notes:

Take out all instants of 'seemed to,' 'looked suspiciously like' and 'floating as if pulled by an unknown source.' It makes your writing sound like it's guessing what's going on instead of what's actually going on. The cloaked *was* pulled by an unknown source, the wall *did* look like a landscape (you can say it looked suspiciously lifelike) and ringing bells of innocent laughter covered the from *from out of nowhere*.

Those are just my examples though, but you get the idea.

I hope to see more from you. :)

[Sai-chan]

Haha... I was actually trying to keep the audience guessing, not to insinuate that I was guessing. But that's the learning process, isn't it? lol Oh well, I'll try to re-write it sometime this weekend (three day weekend!).

[ChesCa]

That's a fair enough experiment, although in my experience practicing styles is harder than it sounds. ^^;

If you can draw the audience in it will work a lot better, but right now...hmm, third person narrative usually describes what's happening and has a hard time meshing with that style.

But like you said, 'learning process' (even I have to keep doing it).

[Sai-chan]

Well, I posted an old picture in my art thread
I might as well post an old poem here

Spoiler:

Mother oh Mother can't you see
you're the best thing that happened to me
I love you and you love me
We're a small and happy family
Me and my sister will come and go
But our love for you will still be so

I wrote this in like, 2nd or 3rd grade for mother's day :B