GREASER

[RPGJay]

I've been meaning to make this a comic for about a year now, but I still lack artistic skills. So I shall write it out! This is my comedy-action series GREASER.

A few things to note is, as I just pointed out, this was always intened to be a comic, so I'm writing out the script and blocking page-by-page as best as I can. A lot of the slapstick comedy will likely be lost since, y'know, you won't actually see it happen but just read it. Once last little note is there is a little bit of swearing in GREASER, but nothing that couldn't run on TV.

So with that said, I hope you enjoy my first public writings since the mid 2000's.

Order #1: Look below, duh.
Order #2: http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t...=1#post2401719
Order #3: http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t...=1#post2432229
Order #4: http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t...=1#post2504258
--- Update From New Post Merge ---

ORDER #1:
Jump in the Fire

Page 1

Spoiler:

“Hello. My name is Harris.
I wanted to be a world renowned chef.
I wanted to be someone who could cook heavenly food.
But currently…”
*The first page’s narration is placed over panels of beef sizzling on a dirty grill and fries being taken out of a deep fryer with smoke billowing out of its side.*

Page 2

Spoiler:

Angry Customer 1 (off-panel): “Hey where is my order?!”
Angry Customer 2 (off-panel): “What’s taking so long?”
Harris (thought bubble): “…I am in Hell.”
-Harris is a tall man with dark bags under his eyes and short blonde hair, obscured from the cap he is wearing. He wears a solid red cap with a navy blue rim along the bottom, the same blue that matches his uniform, a simple red shirt with blue sleeves. On the right side of the shirt is a logo in giant white letters reading “GREASER”. His face is visibly irritated-
(Caption Box): Harris
Occupation: Fry Cook
Adrian: “Oh God! The orders, they won’t stop piling up!”
-Next to Harris flipping burgers frantically at the grill is a woman named Adrian. Adrian is a very lanky, thin woman with shoulder length black hair covered by the standard issue cap. She is wearing the same uniform as Harris and is looking just as disgruntled-
(Caption Box): Adrian
Occupation: Fry Cook
Harris: “Shouldn’t we have Nicko working with us by now?”
Adrian: “You tell me! The manager will kill both of us if we don’t catch up to these orders soon.”
???: “Not a bad idea.”
*A shadowy figure sneaks up behind Harris and Adrian, both of them looking positively horrified by her presence*

Page 3

Spoiler:

*The figure steps forward into the light*
Mary: “Sadly for me, I cannot afford to pay off the police any more than I already do.”
-Mary is a very short woman, Harris and Adrian both tower over her by comparison. She has ear length curly black hair. She wears the standard issue uniform, save for the cap and a pin on her chest that reads “MANAGER”-
(Caption Box): Mary
Occupation: Bitch
(Manager)
Adrian: “Ah, I’m so sorry! Forgive us!”
*Mary turns towards Harris*
Mary: “Harris, you want to take your lunch break?”
Harris: “Um, sure?”
Mary: “Good, you’re on it. Now use those 5 minutes to find Nicko or I’m cutting your pay in half.”
*Harris dashes out of the kitchen in a cold sweat. Adrian stares at Mary in pure terror*
Mary: *turning to Adrian* “…Are you a fry cook or an oil painting? Get back to work!”
Adrian: “Y-yes’m!”

Page 4

Spoiler:

*Harris maniacally runs through a massive crowd of customers, comically weaving left and right to dodge each customer until he makes his way out the dirty glass doors in front of the restaurant and gazes out into the parking lot. The GREASER logo on top of the restaurant is partially seen above Harris’s head*
Harris: *His head turning rapidly left to right* “Where is it? Where is it?”
*Harris points to a beat-up, rusted white car in the parking lot*
Harris: “A-ha! His car is parked, so that means Nicko is somewhere in the building!”

Page 5

Spoiler:

*Harris is running around the side of the building and into the drive-thru lane, barely jumping over the passing cars. From this angle the reader can see the state of the GREASER building. It is noticeably weathered, as if basic upkeep has not been applied to it in years, with cracked bricks, a few bullet holes, and an overall faded blue color*
Harris: “Gyaaaah!”
*He leaps into the now opened drive-thru window, just missing the woman working at the window, and tumbling onto the filthy floors of the building face first, sliding right next to a supply closet*
Charlotte: “What a cool entrance! Your form needs a little work though.”
-Charlotte is a shorter woman, only a few inches taller than Mary. She has short brown hair covered by a headset and microphone in contrast to the normal issue cap, but is otherwise wearing the regular GREASER uniform. Charlotte is a tad overweight, carrying a noticeable gut and a slightly rounded face that always seems occupied by a larger and lovely smile.*
(Caption Box): Charlotte
Occupation: Drive-thru Lady
Spirit: Still unbroken

Page 6

Spoiler:

Harris: “*gasping for air* Nicko?”
Charlotte: “No, I’m Charlotte.”
Harris: “Have you seen him today?”
Charlotte: “No I haven’t. Not since last night’s shift. *Turns to a man in the corner of the room* Maybe Eddie knows? Hey Eddie did you-“
-Standing in the corner is a humongous, muscular black man named Eddie leaning against the dusty corner of the wall next to a mop and bucket. He wears the standard issue GREASER uniform and has curly black hair with long bangs that obscure his eyes, showing mostly the lower half of his face. He has a white ear bud cord descending from his head and into his pocket-
Eddie: “*makes an intimidating glare*”
(Caption Box): Eddie
Occupation: Janitor?
Charlotte: “*grinning in fear* I, erm, never mind!”

Page 7

Spoiler:

Harris: “GAAAAAAAAH! *punches the supply closet door* Where is he?”
*The door breaks and collapses on top of Harris, knocking him to the ground*
Harris: *gives thumbs up* …I’m…okay.”
*A man stiffly falls like a plank from the supply and on top of the door pieces and Harris*
Harris: “Owwww, why? *looks at who fell on him and smiles* Oh!”
Nicko: “Zzzzzzz.”
-On top of the door is Nicko. Nicko has long crimson red hair that rests just above his shoulders. He wears the standard GREASER attire and is roughly as tall as Harris. His eyes are completely shut and is drooling profusely over the door-
(Caption box): Nicko
Occupation: Fry Cook
Harris: “Finally! I found you! *stands up and lifts Nicko on to his back* Now come here Nicko!”
Charlotte: “Uh, Harris? Shouldn’t you go see a doctor? Not walking around?”
Harris: “Nah, it’s okay. I’m durable. Besides, I don’t think I will have enough money to visit a doctor if I don’t get my ass to Mary soon. *starts running out of the drive-thru section with Nicko in tow* I’ll see you later!”

Page 8

Spoiler:

Charlotte: “Okay! Good luck! *looking at the debris from the supply closet* Hmm, you left me a little mess. Hey Eddie, can you-“
Eddie: “*glares*”
Charlotte: “*terrified but smiling* I’ll just go ahead and clean that up.”
*The scene shifts to Harris making a frantic dash to the kitchen on the other side of the restaurant, with Nicko slowly waking up*
Nicko: “Mmmmph, oh it’s you Harris. It’s…*yawns* been awhile since I’ve had this piggyback dream.”
Harris: “This ain’t a dream pal, you fell asleep in the supply closet during your shift.”
(Thought bubble): “Wait, what kind of dream where you having?”
Nicko: “Oh? I did that again? I must have fallen into a heavy sleep.”
Harris: “Heavy? Yeah, like a rock.”

Page 9

Spoiler:

*Harris slides into the kitchen stomach first to a waiting Mary*
Mary: “Welcome back boys, you made it with *checks her watch* exactly two seconds to spare.”
Harris: “*weezing and panting for air* Thank…God...”
Mary: “So *smirking* did you enjoy your lunch break Harris?”
Harris: “Y-yeah.”
Mary: “Splendid. Now get back to work! *begins to walk off* Oh, and you’re paying for that door you broke.”
Harris: “Ack!”
(Thought bubble): “Wait how did she, did Mary read page seven?)
Nicko: “Uh, dude? You can get me off your of your back any time now.”
*Harris pushes Nicko backwards off of his back*

Page 10

Spoiler:

*A panel shows Harris, Adrian, and Nicko quickly frying and flipping as many burgers as they can, indicating some time has passed since the last scene*
Nicko: “Hey dude? I’m super sorry you were sent running around looking for me like a chicken with its head cut off.”
Harris: “*smiles* Don’t worry about it pal, it’s okay. I’m sure Mary would’ve gotten me for something even if you did show up.”
Adrian: “The manager has really been putting the hammer down these last couple of weeks at work. Well, more so than usual.”
Harris: “For all of our sakes, we had better try to be more careful than usual.”
Nicko: “No problem. *turns his head over the grill* ACHOO!”
Adrian + Harris: “DON’T SNEEZE ON THE MEAT!”

Page 11

Spoiler:

*Charlotte enters*
Charlotte: “Hey guys.”
Adrian: “Oh hey kitten, what are you doing back here? Shouldn’t you be working drive-thru?”
Charlotte: “All of our orders just got canceled. There is no one in the drive-thru.”
Nicko: “You’re saying that like it was a bad thing.”
Charlotte: “That’s not all. There are no customers near the registers either.”
Adrian + Harris + Nicko: “?!”
*Everyone runs to the area behind the registers only to discover that the entire front of the restaurant is completely deserted, save for the one employee working behind the register*
Adrian: “Everyone is…gone.”

Page 12

Spoiler:

Nicko: “That is impossible! We just had orders up the ass just a minute ago!”
*Harris walks closer to the man working the cash register*
Harris: “New guy, what happened up here?”
Murray: “I am not the new guy.”
-Murray is a short pale man, about the same height as Adrian. He has neatly trimmed short brown hair and is wearing glasses in addition to the standard GREASER attire*
(Caption box): Murray
Occupation: Unimportant Side Character
*Murray looks at the caption box*
Murray: “H-hey! That is not right.”
*The caption box changes in the next panel*
(Caption box): Murray
Occupation: New Guy
Murray: “But…but I-ugh. Anyways, everyone left suddenly when a loud motorcycle parked on the far end of the parking lot.”
Harris: “A motorcycle?”

Page 13

Spoiler:

*Mary enters*
Mary: “What the Hell is going on? Why aren’t any of you working, and why did the customers leave?”
Charlotte: “*points to the door* I think because of him?”
*The dirty glass front doors to the restaurant shatter almost entirely shatter into pieces, only a few pieces of glass remaining connected to the door. The figure of a towering obese man enters and stands right where the doors used to be*
Clive: “A’right GREASER punks, you’se guys are gonna stuff me fulla burgers ‘til I burst! And it’s gonna be on the house, or else!”
-Clive is an enormous morbidly obese bald man, easily standing over 7 feet tall. He is wearing an extra-large black leather jacket and dark blue jeans. Noticeably, his left glowing red eye and right arm are mechanical. His mechanical right arm in particular seems to have a wrist mounted arm cannon that is a pulsating neon green color-
(Caption box): Clive
Mary: “Whatever.”
Clive: “Wassat?”

Page 14

Spoiler:

Nicko: “As much as I’m enjoying having a break for once, you’re scaring off the customers. So take a hike dude.”
Clive: “What’s wrong with you’se guys? I’m stickin’ this place up for all yer food! *caressing his arm cannon* Or else I’ll do to all of you what I did to those doors.”
Adrian: “Mechanical enhancements. Cute. Just go home before you get hurt creep.”
Charlotte: “*whispering*Adr-y, you should keep your voice down.”
Adrian: “Why? It’s not like we seriously have to worry about this guy.”
Murray: “…”
*Clive’s face turns beat red with anger while Mary walks from the register towards him*
Mary: “Speaking of those doors, you are going to pay for that right?”
Clive: “A’course not ya idiot! I’m takin’ everything this place has! *Clive points his arm cannon inches away from Mary’s face* And I ain’t gonna be payin’. Got a problem with that missie?

Page 15

Spoiler:

Mary: “*shadows are covering the upper half of her face* You’re not going to pay?”
*Mary turns her head to face Harris*
Mary: “Harris, you’re the kind of guy that always repays his debts, right?”
Harris: “Yeah.”
Mary: “Then…”
*Mary’s face is completely shown, revealing she has a large evil smirk across her face*
Mary: “Feed this man, and I’ll forget about what you did to the supply closet door earlier.”
*Harris leaps over the counter while smiling*
Harris: “Yes ma’am.

Page 16

Spoiler:

Clive: “*turns his arm cannon away from Mary* Bahahahahaha, now that’s the spirit. Now c’mon boy, start makin’ burgers ‘til one of us drops. Gimme spicy ones boy!”
*Harris reaches into his pocket and pulls out a spatula*
Harris: “Spicy, eh? So…”
*Harris’s spatula begins to shine a bright orange light*
Clive: “?!”
*A gigantic orange flash emanates from the spatula, completely blinding the entire room*

Page 17

Spoiler:

*The light fades and Clive is dumbfounded at Harris. Harris is now holding a seven foot spatula covered in orange flames. He holds the spatula with two hands like it was a long sword*
Harris: “…will that be for here or to go?”
Clive: “W-w-w-what the Hell? What is that?”
Adrian: “I guess the poor sap hasn’t heard that Fry Cooks have the ability to use their spatulas as weapons of their own design using their inner Grease power.”
Charlotte: “I-is that true Adr-y?”
Adrian: “Oh that’s right, you’ve only been here for only a week kitten.”
Murray: (Thought bubble: “Then why am I the new guy?”)
Adrian: “So sit back and enjoy the show.”
Nicko: “*leaving* Let me know when it’s over, I’m gonna go take a piss.”
*Harris runs towards Clive*

Page 18

Spoiler:

Clive: “Eat laser ya freak!”
*Clive fires a couple of balls of light at Harris*
Harris: “Charbroiled!”
*The orange flames from the spatula surround Harris in a large dome shape, completely absorbing the balls of light effortlessly as he is now right in front of Clive*
Clive: “Impossible!”
*Harris puts his spatula to his left side as the dome disperses and all of his flames gather at the end of the spatula*
Harris: “Burger…”

Page 19

Spoiler:

Harris: “Press!”
*Harris swings his spatula, superbly slapping Clive’s large gut with the flaming edge*
Clive: “Graaaaaaaaaah!”
*Clive is sent flying out of the restaurant where the front doors used to be, destroying what little that remained of the glass doors in the process*
Harris: “*smirking*…Looks like your meal is to go.”

Page 20

Spoiler:

Charlotte: “*Wide-eyed and grinning* That was so cool!”
Murray: (Thought bubble: “Who came up with that cheesy line.”)
Adrian: “See? Nothing to it.”
Mary: “Congratulations Harris. You don’t have to pay for the supply closet door anymore.”
Harris: “Thank you!”
Mary: “You’re paying for the front doors though.”
Harris: “W-what?”

Page 21

Spoiler:

*The scene slowly transitions from the GREASER restaurant to Clive’s battered, scorched body as each panel zooms in closer to Mary’s reflection in Clive’s mechanical red eye. Mary and Harris’s banter occurring in speech bubbles*
Mary: “You broke the doors.”
Harris: “He broke it first!”
Mary: “Doesn’t matter, you finished them off.”
Harris: “B-but…”

Page 22

Spoiler:

*The still image of Mary through Clive’s mechanical eye is viewed through a large television screen in a very dark room. The room’s only occupant is a silhoutte of a tall man in a chair, his features obscured by the darkness*
???: “I finally found you, Mary.”
*The man picks up his cell phone and types out a message. The final panel shows the text message as it is being sent to two numbers*
Text Message: Time to get to make
Ourselves known boys
>:D

END Order #1

[Gerri]

I'm increasingly worried that people will take me commenting on all those stories the wrong way but I'm having too much fun reading them to stop and it's only fair to the writer to leave a comment. So here it goes.

Hidden:

I saw that you entered this for the bi-weekly and I'm really really really curious what the jury will say. It's unusual for me to read a comic like this and at first I was doubtful I could enjoy it without illustrations. However, your descriptions of the characters and surroundings are very to the point which makes it possible to picture everything that is happening. Next I was doubtful about what could be interesting about a couple cooks in a rundown burger place (with surprisingly many customers). When the customers disappeared I thought you'd go the direction of them having to save the place from shutting down and then.. I turned the page and I laughed. That did surprise me. I love it. No really. It's very good. It's funny and still holds a certain suspense. The character introduction was spot on. With a minimum amount of words I already feel familiar with those guys. The story was good for introduction and finished on a nice cliffhanger. I do hope I will not only be able to read the next chapter but see it illustrated by you one day.

Just so there is something to criticize. I noticed some doubled words (like "only" twice in a sentence) on three occassions. Maybe you should give it one last readthrough and fix those... I don't remember on what page exactly. Other than that I'm lost on what you could improve. ^_^

[Mrs. Iceburg]

Is this about actual greasers? If it is, I'll totally read it.

[RPGJay]

I'm increasingly worried that people will take me commenting on all those stories the wrong way but I'm having too much fun reading them to stop and it's only fair to the writer to leave a comment. So here it goes.

Hidden:

I saw that you entered this for the bi-weekly and I'm really really really curious what the jury will say. It's unusual for me to read a comic like this and at first I was doubtful I could enjoy it without illustrations. However, your descriptions of the characters and surroundings are very to the point which makes it possible to picture everything that is happening. Next I was doubtful about what could be interesting about a couple cooks in a rundown burger place (with surprisingly many customers). When the customers disappeared I thought you'd go the direction of them having to save the place from shutting down and then.. I turned the page and I laughed. That did surprise me. I love it. No really. It's very good. It's funny and still holds a certain suspense. The character introduction was spot on. With a minimum amount of words I already feel familiar with those guys. The story was good for introduction and finished on a nice cliffhanger. I do hope I will not only be able to read the next chapter but see it illustrated by you one day.

Just so there is something to criticize. I noticed some doubled words (like "only" twice in a sentence) on three occassions. Maybe you should give it one last readthrough and fix those... I don't remember on what page exactly. Other than that I'm lost on what you could improve. ^_^

Thanks Gerri. I appreciate the comment. I probably did have some doubled words. No matter how many times I edit something I've written, at least one of those pops up. It's something I naturally do I guess. I'll edit it a little bit later. Thank you!

Is this about actual greasers? If it is, I'll totally read it.

Haha, I'm afraid not. This is a silly series about fry cooks with zanpakuto spatulas and weird stuff like that.

[Mrs. Iceburg]

Haha, I'm afraid not. This is a silly series about fry cooks with zanpakuto spatulas and weird stuff like that.

Aw, too bad. I might still read it though! When I do, I'll let you know what I think. :)

[Kitsune Inferno]

Okay, that was just awesome! I love how quirky and interesting everyone is! The characters are great, the setting interesting, and the humor spot on.

My only issue is that Clive doesn't feel like a threat at all. And the fight was really brief and ultimately a bit too fast-paced.

This might sound silly, but... if you're aiming for a manga-esque chapter system, remember that the first chapter is usually about 50 pages long. There's definitely a lot you can expand upon, if that's what you're going for. :) If not, then it's pretty much fine, but I still think Clive was taken out too easily.

Welcome to the Writings sub-forum Jay! Excellent debut!

[CharmedWard]

Well you know my thoughts already, Jay :) And I'll be keeping an eye on this thread I do think.....

[ChesCa]

Jay, get out of my fucking head because at least 50% of that can be contributed to my own life.
I'm Harris (minus the dream of doing gourmet cooking--I do have super powers though), Charlotte is a younger version of our veteran drive thru lady in my old job, Mary was all the downsides I've ever experienced in a boss, and Nicko is every co-worker I want to strangle.
And the white beat up car....everyone knew I was on the premises when they saw my beat up Crown Vic in the parking lot. I shit you not.
Let's get to my favorite parts: Everything.
Specifics: Mary paying off the police (which would explain why Adrian doesn't have a hair net, since she presumably pays off the Health Dept as well), poor Murray, the janitor, the whole place being this trashy POS (Health Dept. paid off?) and Clive getting his ass kicked.
*Sniff*
You made fast food funny again for me man.

[RPGJay]

Haha thanks Cuddles.

Actually I was on the fence on whether or not to have every character except Nicko wear a hairnet until the very last draft. I think it turned out better this way. ^_^

[RPGJay]

GREASER ORDER #2:
A Briefcase, a Lunch, and a Man on the Edge

Page 1

Spoiler:

*A rusted old door is opening, making a horrid creaking sound. Harris walks into a dank, depressing, and barely lit room. It is cramped and has noticeable layers of dust lightly covering every inch of the room. Under the single flickering light of the room are Adrian, Nicko, and Charlotte sitting in chairs. Eddie and Mary are leaning against the beat up and peeling walls*

Harris: “Why did we get called here to the break room? This is beginning to look like an intervention.”

Mary: “If this were an intervention this room would be filled with people who give a damn. Or we would have more serious problems than Nicko stealing pens from the supply closet.”

Nicko: “H-hey, how did you know that?”

Mary: “You just told me (I’ll be sending you the bill later).”

Nicko: “Ack!”

Adrian: “Hate to steal Harris’s line, but why are we here?”

Mary: “Simple…”

Page 2

Spoiler:

Mary: “The Health Inspector is going to pay us a visit today.”

Charlotte: “Um, don’t you think we should…spruce this place up if we know the Health Inspector is coming?”

Adrian: “Translation: This rickety old building is going to get condemned.”

Mary: “Nonsense, *slaps wall* this building is completely safe.”

Murray: “*walking in the room* Mary I got that briefcase you wanted-“

*Pieces of the ceiling collapse on top of Murray, knocking him to the ground*

Mary: “*taking the black briefcase and leaving Murray lying there in pain* Thank you sir!”

Page 3

Spoiler:

Mary: “So our building has a few minor issues, the important thing is we are not going to fail the health inspection.”

Harris: “Let me guess, you’re paying the inspector off with whatever is in that briefcase?”

Mary: “Precisely.”

Harris: “Did you call us down here just to remind us how illegal this business is?”

Mary: “*acting innocent* Oh Harris, you wound me.”

Harris: Thought Balloon: (“Not as much as I want to, I assure you”).

Mary: “I am being gracious enough to let each of you know that he is also getting a free lunch that you’re going to make. So make the best meals of your lives!”

Page 4

Spoiler:

Mary: “Class dismissed, now get to work!”

*Harris, Charlotte, Nicko, and Adrian walk out of the break room, leaving Mary, Eddie, and the trapped Murray in the room.*

Mary: “*points at Murray* You’re paying for the ceiling repairs.”

Murray: “Wh-what?”

*The scene transitions to Harris and Charlotte walking through the restaurant while Adrian and Nicko head directly to the kitchen*

Charlotte: “Hey Harris, I’ve been meaning to ask.”

Harris: “What’s up?”

Charlotte: “How did you do that thing with your spatula the other day?”

Harris: “Oh. You don’t know?”

Page 5

Spoiler:

Harris: “It’s like…ever y human possesses the capability to cook, right?”

Charlotte: “Well, yes.”

Harris: “Basically the ability to cook is so necessary for human survival that an energy manifests deep within our bodies when we cook. This energy gathers and grows each time we cook. We call this gathering of energy a Grease Heart.”

Charlotte: “*obviously confused* Uhhh…”

Page 6

Spoiler:

Harris: “With a little training, we can utilize and control the power of our Grease Heart. By channeling it through a utensil like a spatula, we can create weapons of our own design and use powers based on how we cook, like how my spicy food turns into a fire-“

Charlotte: “*has a blank expression and a vacant smile on her face* Uhhh.”

Harris: “…Charlotte?”

Charlotte: “*snaps to attention* Oh! Yes? Grilling burgers gives you super powers?”

Harris: “Something like that. Sorry, I’m bad at explaining things.”

Charlotte: “Does that mean that all of you have-“

*Harris cuts her off*

Harris: “Yeah, Adrian and Nicko have Grease abilities as well.”

Page 7

Spoiler:

*The scene cuts to Adrian and Nicko grilling burgers in the kitchen, preparing the large meal for the Health Inspector. Nicko is wearing a hairnet under his baseball cap, looking positively irate. Adrian has a large smirk on her face*

Adrian: “*snicker*”

Nicko: “Don’t say it. I am not happy about this. I don’t get why Mary suddenly forced me to wear a hairnet all of the sudden.”

Adrian: “She probably doesn’t want your hair all over the food for once.”

Nicko: “But you’re not wearing a hairnet either!”

Adrian: “I don’t get complaints about finding strands of long red hair in the food I cook.”

Nicko: “Hmmph, whatever. By the way, how’s Charlotte, err, “liking” the new job?”

Adrian: “Despite everything, she…likes this job.”

Page 8

Spoiler:

Nicko: “Poor girl, she’s gone delusional.”

Adrian: “Kitten might be eccentric, but she’s not stupid. I just hope she doesn’t get depressed when she figures out the way things are. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

*Harris walks in and begins grilling burgers as they talk*

Harris: “Who are we talking about?”

Adrian: “Kitten.”

Harris: “Oh right, Charlotte your childhood friend. You and your crazy nicknames.”

Nicko: “Hey Harris we’ve been friends since we were kids too. How come we don’t have any cool nicknames for each other?”

Harris: “*chuckling* Fine fine, you think of something and I’ll think of a name too.”

Nicko: “*gives a thumbs up* You got it Hairy!”

Harris: “Think. Harder.”

Page 9

Spoiler:

*The scene switches over to the front of GREASER from the perspective of behind the register. There are a small handful of customers at the tables by the recently repaired doorway. Murray, covered by bandages he likely had to pay for, is working at the register*

*The new glass front doors open*

Murray: “I think that is him!”

*Mary walks to the front of the restaurant*

Mary: “*innocently smiling* Why hello, you must be the Health Inspector! Welcome to GREASER!”

*The man takes off his hat and bows*

Doug: “It is a pleasure to meet you miss.”

*Doug is a short man, barely taller than Mary. He is dressed in a very formal black suit-coat and has matching pants. He wears a blue tie and a has a fancy black fedora in hand*

Caption Box: Doug Edge
Occupation: Health Inspector

Doug: “*looking around the building* This seems like this building is a little worn down, don’t you think?”

*Mary hands Doug a dollar bill from the briefcase*

Doug: “*snatching the bill from Mary’s hand* It’s aged to perfection!”

Mary: “I think so too. Now let’s not stand here all day, I am sure you’re a busy man. Please follow me.”

Doug: “Certainly.”

*As Mary leads Doug further into the restaurant, Doug pulls out his cellphone and quickly types out a message. The message is displayed on the last panel of the page*

Text Message: “I’m in. The coast is clear >8D”

Page 10

Spoiler:

*As they’re walking near the cash register, Doug pats the nearby wall. The wall cracks expand a little more and a large amount of dust goes flying out. A part of the ceiling falls on Murray as a result*

Murray: “*in pain*…why?”

Doug: “That looks dangerous.”

*Mary sticks out another bill and motions Doug to continue forward*

Doug: “*grabbing the bill* Of course this building is likely still under renovation. How silly of me.”

Page 11

Spoiler:

*The scene switches to Harris, Adrian, and Nicko in the kitchen. A gigantic feast of burgers and fries are sitting on top of a wheeled cart. All three fry cooks look exhausted from creating such a meal*

Harris: “Finally, it’s done.”

Nicko: “This guy had better be grateful after he’s done eating this.”

Adrian: “If he manages to eat all of this without getting any heart attacks I’d be grateful too.”

Harris: “Ok, now that we’re done cooking this, which one of us wants to wheel this to the Health Inspector?”

Nicko: “You can do it if you want Haggis.”

*Harris looks at Nicko with disappointment*

Adrian: “…you’re not terribly creative are you?”

Harris: “Only at creating mixed drinks.”

Nicko: “*embarrassed and blushing* D’aww, it’s nothing special.”

Harris: “I’m serious man, those old drinks you can recreate is a talent. *turns to Adrian* You should try them sometime.”

Page 12

Spoiler:

Adrian: “*laughing* As long as I can get a gurantee that you haven’t sneezed in them first, I would love to.”

*Adrian grabs the cart and begins to walk off*

Adrian: “I’m getting a little restless back here. I’ll take these, see you in a bit!”

Nicko: “Later.”

Harris: “See ya!”

*The scene moves over to Mary and Doug in the back of the restaurant. Each of Doug’s pockets are bursting with dollar bills*

Doug: “Well I think I should be done with my report for the day.”

Mary: “*smiling* I am glad you enjoyed your tour here. Feel free to stop by any time.”

Doug: “*grinning* If I held you to that I doubt I would need to be a Health Inspector much longer.”

*Mary and Doug both laugh as Adrian brings the cart to them*

Mary: “Oh, there must be the meal you ordered. It’s on the house of course.”

Page 13

Spoiler:

*Mary places the black briefcase on the bottom rack of the cart*

Mary: And this is your “receipt”. Have a nice day and thank you for eating at GRE-“

*A loud crashing sound cuts Mary off. Mary, Adrian, and Doug have shocked looks on their faces*

Adrian: “That sounded like it came from the front!”

*The scene transitions to the kitchen. Nicko and Harris look surprised at the loud crashing sound*

Harris: “Oh that better not be what I think it is!”

*The scene cuts to the Drive-thru window where Charlotte appears concerned*

Charlotte: “Oh dear, not again.”

*Finally the scene goes to the break room where Eddie is still leaning against the beat up wall listening to music. The crashing sound catches him by surprise*

Eddie: “!!”

*Eddie turns up the volume on his iPod and returns to leaning against the wall*

Page 14

Spoiler:

*The scene returns to the back of the restaurant*

Doug: “Oh my, what was that noise?”

Mary: “Nothing, just likely some punk trying to rob the restaurant again. Nothing to worry about sir, but we should probably sneak out the back just to be safe.”

Doug: “Uh, okay. *pointing to the back door* My, uh, car is parked outside. I parked behind the restaurant.”

Mary: “Good. Hey Adrian?”

Adrian: “Yes ma’am?”

Mary: “The boys are probably taking care of the intruder by now. I am going to escort our guest outside. I need you to do something.”

Adrian: “What is it?”

Mary: “Protect my office.”

Adrian: “…your office?”

Mary: “My office contains files more valuable than all of your lives put together and I just left it unlocked. Go guard it or your ass is mine. Got it?”

*Adrian dashes out of the room in a panic while Mary and Doug slip out the back, Mary taking the black briefcase with her, leaving the cart of food behind*

Page 15

Spoiler:

Adrian: Thought Balloon: (“Protect her office? Like Hell I’m going to do that! I have to make sure kitten is okay.”)

*The scene switches over to Harris and Nicko arriving to the front of the restaurant behind the cash registers. Murray is hiding under the counter and the customers from before are fleeing. The glass front doors are shattered into an immeasurable number of pieces*

Harris: “*dumb founded* I…just paid for that…”

???: “Eeeheeheehee. Looks like I used too much power.”

Harris/Nicko: “!?”

*A large disfigured shadow steps through where the doors used to be, revealing a small man with a gigantic obese man, easily twice the small man’s size, impossibly hanging on top of the small man’s shoulder*

Bayley: “I have ta save mah strength for the main course don’t I?”

*Bayley is a short man, roughly the same size as Mary. He has long, disheveled gray hair that covers most of his face. He has a crooked grin with crooked teeth. His left eye, not covered by his long gray bangs, is a mechanical and glowing red eye. He wears a black leather jacket and matching black jeans. His hands are in his pockets and does not seem to be bothered by the massive man hanging over the shoulder*

Caption Box: Bayley

Blaze: “Y’all are gonna pay for what ya did, ya hear?”

*Hunched over Bayley’s shoulder is a man named Blaze. Blaze is morbidly obese and is clearly balding, with random tufts of gray hair left on his head. He would stand over 6 feet tall and is wearing the same kind of outfit as Bayley. His mechanical right eye is identical to Bayley’s left eye and his lower half of his face, including his jaw, is mechanical and glows an eerie blue. Otherwise he has no visible teeth when he speaks*

Caption Box: Blaze

Page 16

Spoiler:

Nicko: “How do these hicks end up becoming cyborgs?”

*Harris steps forward*

Harris: “What is your business here?”

Blaze: “Our business is kicking your ass for what you did to our lil’ brudda!”

Nicko: “Brother?”

Bayley: “Eeeheeheehee. Now now, one step at a time brudda. A few days ago me and my lil’ bruddas won a contest we didn’t even know we entered and got free cyborgs implants. Our lil’ brudda Clive wanted to test his new powers by robbin’ a GREASERs.

Harris: Thought Balloon: (“That THING was his little brother?”)

Bayley: “Next thing we knew, our lil’ brudder got his ass kicked by a lot of no good fry cooks. And we are gonna settle the score, right lil’ bro?”

Blaze: “Yah big bro! *strikes a pose by crossing his arms in the shape of an X in front of his face* I’m Blaze!”

Bayley: “*strikes a similar pose* And I’m Bayley!”

Page 17

Spoiler:

Bayley/Blaze: “Together we are The Blood Brothers!”

*Harris and Nicko jump over the counter towards the doorway, Nicko throwing off his hairnet dramatically. Both of them pull out their spatulas from their pockets*

Nicko: “You done with your little routine yet?”

Harris: “Hey, you two! Which of you are going to pay for those doors? I just paid to repair those!”

Bayley: “Eeeheeheehee. Don’t worry now, your wallet isn’t gonna be the thing that’ll hurt the most when we’re done with ya!”

*Harris’s spatula glows a bright orange light while Nicko’s spatula glows a gleaming white light*

Blaze: “!?”

Bayley: “So it is true.”

*An orange and white flash blinds the room*

Page 18

Spoiler:

*The orange light fades and shows Harris wielding his orange, flame-covered seven-foot spatula, holding it with both of his hands.*

*The white light fades and reveals Nicko’s power. Nicko’s arms are covered by gray mechanical robot-like arms. The arms extend longer than his body, his now mechanical knuckles are dragging on the ground a couple feet in front of him. Small white lights flicker in and out on various places on his now blocky arms. The overall design of the arms have slits resembling spatulas, his wrists and knuckles in particular look like two gigantic spatula brass knuckles*

Harris: “Let’s go.”

Nicko: “You got it.”

Bayley: “*smirking devilishly* Eeeheeheehee.”

Page 19

Spoiler:

*The scene switches to Mary and Doug in the back parking lot behind the restaurant. The parking lot appears to be completely empty. The sun is beginning to set*

Doug: “*smiling* This is the place.”

Mary: “*turns head left and right* Sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

*A tall, lean silhouette sneaks up behind Mary*

???: “Oh I think you know.”

*Mary turns around and makes a face of absolute terror at who she faces. The man is a slender, tall man wearing a solid red business suit with blue lining and a blue tie and matching red pants. He has a gold GREASER pin attached to his suit. He has neatly kept pitch black hair even longer than Nicko’s hair and he has dark blue glasses*

???: “*sinisterly grinning* You remember me don’t you Mary?”

END Order #2

[Gerri]

Yes, I was looking forward to it. Comments hidden below.

Hidden:

So, the last order ended with Mary being found by anonymous and him informing two people. I would guess Clive worked for Mr.???. Let's see what happens next.

Great start with creating the atmosphere. That's really a strength of yours. Funny how the break room is covered in dust, haha. Wait, no more descriptions on the next two pages!? With that it's become a lot harder to imagine things. Really no idea how you picture the scene in your mind. Wouldn't it help you to note those things as you are preparing the orders so you don't have to start from scratch once you'll draw them? For example, what does Eddie do while the others are talking? The dialogues are still good and entertaining though. The characters remain authentic. Page 5 is another one I'd love to have more information on what it's going to look like drawn. There's a lot less dialogue than on the others but you explain grease hearts for the first time. Are there small illustrations in the background? (Sidenote: I wonder if other cooks get abilities as well or whether it's limited to those doing greasy stuff).
Once Doug arrives you are getting more descriptive again and the story flows better. Btw, I like how they keep adding smilies to their text messages. ^_^
Page 13, oh, so Eddie WAS listening to music the whole time. (-; More cyborgs. Ah, they are brothers. So they won it in a 'contest'. Did they get some kind of brain manipulation with it? (Would explain the urge to rob Greaser's, i.e. go on a scouting mission for Mary). I wanna know what kind of pose they strike!! Especially with the one brother hanging over the other's shoulders. Nicko's ability is shown. The fight about to start. That page probably looks badass. Mary meets Mr.???. What happened in the past? And what about the unlocked office and the documents? You got those cliffhangers down. Now, I wanna see the next order!

Summarizing. I'm still loving your story but I feel you've been a bit 'lazy' compared to the first one. Some more description of faces, gestures, surroundings or even page layout would help to stay in the mood. As I said, you seem to be really good at describing those things with few words so I wonder why you didn't utilize this skill as much as in the first order. Looking forward to the next one. Subscribed to make sure I won't miss it. ^_^

[RPGJay]

Thanks Gerri, I appreciate the critique. And I made a few edits to Chapter 2 (just in time for the Monthly to end ).

And oh hey new chapter.

GREASER ORDER #3:
Falling Down

Page 1

Spoiler:

*The scene resumes in the empty back parking lot of GREASER with Mary staring in terror at the tall, mysterious man with Doug Edge standing behind her. The sun is setting*
Bruce: “Surely it has not been so long that you’ve forgotten me dear Mary?”
Caption Box: Bruce
Occupation: Vice CEO of GREASER
*Mary nervously stumbles and trips backwards, dropping the black briefcase*
Mary: “*trembling* W-wh-what are y-you doing here Bruce? Shouldn’t you be at GREASER HQ?
Bruce: “Company holiday. I’m sure you haven’t told your newest employees know, that's just the way you are. Doesn’t stop a workaholic like myself though. *steps closer to Mary* Especially when there is so much to be done.”
Mary: “What do you mean?”
Bruce: “*creepily smiling* Heh heh heh.”

Page 2

Spoiler:

*Bruce pulls out a flier from the inside of his suit and displays it in front of Mary’s face. It is a blue flier with red lettering that reads, “wanted by GREASER HQ: Mary Dickinson”. It contains a picture of Mary with a longer hairstyle, indicating it is an older photograph used*
Bruce: “You’ve been running away from us for too long. You are wanted by the company on multiple accounts of fraud, embezzlement, unsanitary and dangerous working conditions, and of course-“
*Using his free right hand, Bruce picks up the briefcase and rips off the latch, revealing a massive quantity of dollar bills hidden in the briefcase. Using his left hand, still holding the flier with the grip of his fingers, he uses his thumb to easily push through a wad of dollar bills. The bills make an unnatural white tear*
Bruce: “-counterfeiting.”
Doug: “*surprised*!?”
*Doug starts tossing out all of the bills that had been stuffing his pockets to the brim*
Bruce: “Heh heh heh. Speechless?”
*Bruce closes the briefcase, accidentally crushing his left hand holding the flier and torn fake bills as well*

Page 3

Spoiler:

*Bruce’s face turns anguished and is obviously in a large amount of pain as he frantically tries to pull his hand out of the black briefcase*
Bruce: “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeow! Ow ow ow ow ow!”
*Bruce manages to pull his fingers out of the closed briefcase. His hand is now a bright red and swelling with pain, his fingers only holding the small scraps of the flier and counterfeit bills he was holding. Doug, within the same panel, turns his head and pretends not to laugh*
Bruce: “*face turning beet red in anger*Why you…”
*Bruce loses his earlier calm demeanor and kicks the briefcase, causing it to fly by Mary’s head at the speed of a bullet. The briefcase lands somewhere near GREASER’s backdoor*
Bruce: “*regaining composure* Hmm, yes, well, as I was saying. You’ve been wanted for a long time and-“
*Mary sprints away at breakneck speed from Bruce and Doug towards the restaurant*

Page 4

Spoiler:

*Bruce reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a spatula*
Bruce: “*frustrated* You bitch! I’ll-“
*Doug puts his arm in front of Bruce to stop him*
Doug: “*smiling* No need sir. *points at Mary* Look.”
*Two men in large concealing cloaks appear before Mary out of nowhere, stopping her from running any further. Both men in the cloaks have their faces covered by the shadow cast by the setting sun. One man is of average height and build while the other is easily over 8 feet tall and seems to be rather muscular*
Mary: “!?”
*Bruce walks closer to Mary*
Bruce: “Pa’chen, Breeg. I’m so glad both of you received my text message. Now as I was saying Mary, I think you need to come with us. You’re going to help me change this company forever.”

Page 5

Spoiler:

*The scene transitions to Harris and Nicko, their powers activated, in front of the cash registers in the entrance of the restaurant. They are facing down the Blood Brothers, Bayley and Blaze. Nicko’s long mechanical arms are at his sides and dragging across the ground due to their length. Harris’s flame covered 7-foot spatula is held in front of him, indicating both of them are prepared to fight*
Nicko: “I’ll take the stupid one.”
Harris: “*laughing* You have to be more specific.”
Bayley: “…lil’ bro.”
Blaze: “Yeah big bro?”
Bayley: “Take care of ta one with ta long red hair. I’m gonna beat the fiery one that hurt our lil’ bro.”
*Blaze hops off of Bayley’s shoulder and lands on the ground with a loud, heavy, thud*
Blaze: “Ya got it bro bro! Get ready ya GREASER punks!”

Page 6

Spoiler:

*Blaze rushes towards Nicko while Bayley makes a beeline at Harris. Harris and Nicko separate from each other and run at their respective opponents*
*The perspective focuses on Nicko versus Blaze*
Blaze: “Yaaaah!”
*Blaze swings his right arm but Nicko expertly ducks to avoid the punch. Blaze, in that split second, looks stunned*
Nicko: “Order up.”

Page 7

Spoiler:

*Nicko delivers a devastating punch into Blaze’s massive gut. Due to the length of Nicko’s mechanical arms, Blaze is suspended a few feet in the air by Nicko’s left arm, nearly touching the ceiling. Blaze looks like he had the wind knocked out of him*
Blaze: “Buhhhhh!”
Nicko: *smirking*
*Blaze’s face snaps to a malicious grin, revealing his previous expression to be a façade*
Blaze: “Gotcha!”
Nicko: “!?”
*Blaze’s mechanical lower half of his face shines a more intense blue as he belches up a bright blue ball of energy from his mouth*
*Nicko is struck by the blue energy ball in the face, knocking him backwards, slamming him into a wall and releasing Blaze from Nicko’s fist*

Page 8

Spoiler:

*Blaze lands back onto the ground with a loud thud*
Blaze: “*laughing* Hyuck hyuck hyuck, fool’dya! Mah stomach was remade to absorb all shock damage. All that strength ya get from those arms don’t mean squat now! Hyuck hyuck hyu-“
*Nicko stands up to Blaze’s surprise. Staggering slightly, Nicko moves the hair out of his face, revealing Blaze’s energy ball has only slightly singed his face*
Nicko: “Dude, is that the best you can do?”
Blaze: “*taken back* Y-your face should’a been melted right off!”
Nicko: “I’ve taken worse balls to the face.”
Blaze: “…what?”

Page 9

Spoiler:

Nicko: Thought Balloon: (“Damn, even with the added strength these arms give me I still won’t be able to kick his ass. And the other two attacks I have won’t work on him. I guess the only way to beat him is to use my true ability”).
*Nicko stretches out his arms from side to side, leaving himself completely vulnerable*
Blaze: “*confused* What’re ya doing there boy?”
Nicko: “I asked you if that energy ball thing you spit at me was the best you can do. That was pathetic.”
Blaze: “*getting angry* That was not-“
*Nicko cuts him off*
Nicko: “*acting cocky* Tell you what hick, I’ll go easy on you. You get a free shot, give me your strongest blast of energy. That should make it fair for you.”
Blaze: “*furious* Fine! Ya want it? You’re gonna get a taste of mah strongest attack!”
*Blaze begins charging another blast in his mouth*
Nicko: *smiling* Thought Balloon: (“I’m counting on it”).

Page 10

Spoiler:

*The scene changes over to a few moments earlier as Bayley and Harris are in the middle of running at eachother. Bayley’s mechanical left eye is glowing a more intense red*
Bayley: “Die! Bayley Burst!”
*A stream of bright red energy beams are released from Bayley’s left eye*
*Harris is taken off guard by this and comically weaves through the red beams by making exacerbated faces*
Harris: “Dammit dammit dammit!”
*Harris jumps backwards to get out of the line of fire and outruns the last spray of beams*
Harris: “*looking at the new burning holes in the wall* Jeez, that was too close.”

Page 11

Spoiler:

Bayley: “Eeeheeheehee, ready for round two?”
Harris: “Oh crap.”
Bayley: “Bayley Burst!”
*Bayley fires another stream of beams from his left eye. Harris grips his spatula tightly and dashes toward the beams*
Harris: “Charbroiled!”
*The dancing orange flames from Harris’s spatula quickly climb up the spatula before completely engulfing Harris in a dome of fire. The dome easily absorbs the beams, leaving Harris unharmed as he arrives right in front of Bayley, who is standing still with his hands in his pockets and smiling*
*The dome disperses as the orange flames move back to the very end of the spatula. Harris puts his spatula to his left side as he prepares to swing*
Harris: “Burger…”
Thought Balloon: (“He’s not moving”)?

Page 12

Spoiler:

Harris: “Press!”
*Harris swings his flame covered spatula, smacking Bayley on the right side of his face*
Harris: “Direct hit!”
*Bayley is standing completely still, not flinching at the attack or covered in flames. He turns his head to the right to face Harris*
Bayley: “*still smiling* Mah turn. Bayley Burst!”
*Harris is bombarded by another stream of red beams. While some whizz past him, some beams hit Harris, burning small holes into his right shoulder, left arm, and the left side of his stomach. The impact forces Harris back a few feet and puts him on his knees*
Harris: “Aaaaaghh!”

Page 13

Spoiler:

Bayley: “Eeeheeheehee, did I forget ta mention I’m the only one of us who’s won some flame retardant skin? No? Mah mistake! Eeeheeheehee!”
*Harris is wincing in terrible pain*
Bayley: “Ya can hit me as hard as ya want, I can take more pain than mah lil’ bros, but your fire can’t hurt me!”
*The scene switches to the other side of the room. Nicko is looking at Harris in horror*
Nicko: “*terrified* Harris!”
*Nicko is about to motion forward to Harris when Blaze interrupts him off panel*
Blaze: “Where d’ya think you’re going?”
*Nicko turns back to see Blaze to notice that Blaze’s mouth is emanating a blinding blue light. Blue sparks are being released every time his lips move*
Blaze: “*smiling* I’m gettin’ mah free shot.”

Page 14

Spoiler:

Nicko: “Oh hells bells.”
Blaze: “Blaze Breaker!”
*Blaze belches out a gigantic blue ball of energy at lightning speed. The energy ball is nearly as tall as the room, the ball is just barely scraping against the ceiling. In an instant, Nicko instinctively puts his mechanical arms in front of his face to protect himself as the ball smashes into him, crushing him against another wall. The wall and part of the ceiling collapse on top of Nicko as he is pressed onto it, causing a massive amount of dust to fly out and cover the area*

Page 15

Spoiler:

*Blaze grins as he drops to his knees*
Blaze: “Ha…ha…I think I used too much…”
*Blaze pants for air heavily for another panel until he hears something moving from the dusty rubble*
Blaze: “No way.”
*Nicko emerges from the debris. His shirt is completely burned away, only his scorched collar and part of his now torched left sleeve are remaining. His body is heavily covered with burns, most of which are on his slightly muscular chest and abs. He also has cuts on his neck and face from the debris and is covered by the thick dust. His long mechanical arms are glowing an even brighter white. Nicko is breathing hard and is wobbling a little, seeming like he is barely standing up*
Blaze: “*shocked* How are ya still alive boy? *changes expression to an evil grin* Naw, it don’t matter. I’ll just walk over there and beat the hell outta ya. You’re too beaten to use any of them fire powers anyways.
Nicko: “Fire? Ha…ha…haha. Man you must be…even dumber than I am.”
Blaze: “Whassat now?”

Page 16

Spoiler:

*Nicko places his arms an equal distance away from each other. The palms are facing one another as a thin white ray of light connects to the center of each of his palms*
Nicko: “Our powers…from our Grease Heart are created based on how we cook.”
*A small white ball of energy forms in the middle of the ray of light*
Nicko: “Harris makes spicy food…of course that translates to fire abilities.”
*The ball of energy becomes larger, catching Blaze’s attention*
Blaze: “?”
Nicko: “My hobby…is to replicate the tastes of old discontinued food and drinks….and creating mixed drinks from those.”
*The ball of energy suddenly grows to a gigantic size as it turns into a familiar shade and intensity of blue*
Blaze: “*alarmed* T-that’s mah-“
*Nicko cuts him off. The last panel shows only the bottom half of Nicko’s face giving a very wicked smile*
Nicko: “Now dig in. Replicator: …”

Page 17

Spoiler:

Nicko: “Blaze Breaker!”
*Nicko launches the massive blue ball of energy at Blaze. The attack moves lightning quick and catches Blaze off guard. The ball of energy smashes against Blaze who is forced through the restaurant and back through where the front doors used to be*
Blaze: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
*Blaze lands at the very edge of GREASER’s front parking lot near a highway. He is comically burnt to a crisp and has passed out*

Page 18

Spoiler:

*The scene returns back to Nicko, still barely standing and breathing heavily. His arms are smoking from the attack*
Nicko: “Looks like I broke you…Blaze…”
*Murray retreats from his hiding spot under the cash register to pop his head up momentarily*
Murray: “That line was lame and you know it!”
*Nicko tries to stumble out of the rubble*
Nicko: “Hang in there dude…your pal…is coming to hel-“
*Nicko trips and begins to fall into the rubble*
Nicko: Thought Balloon: “(Oh right, the severe burns).”
*Nicko falls flat on his face. His mechanical arms begin to disassemble and form back into a spatula at Nicko’s left side as his eyes shut as he passes out*
Nicko: “…dang it.”
Caption Box: Nicko versus Blaze
Victor: Nicko

END Order #3

[Huschel]

Just read the three chapters and I am already looking forward to the next one. (More or less useful) Comments below:

Spoiler:

Wow, that fight scene totally captivated me. I'm very excited to find out how Harris will finish his opponent. I mean, Nicko is a freaking Blue Mage! Who can probably form new attacks by combining several others! And who can pack a punch! Liking him. :)

I realized that you had several 4th wall breaking comments in the first chapter but didn't include any more in the other two (I think). I actually thought that it was a little overdone in the first one so I didn't mind the absence too much. But I think it would be nice to (mostly) have "New Guy" make those kind of observations. It seemed liked that was his purpose anyway to me. :P

I like the fighting concept and I can see it getting very diverse and interesting. Up until now every cook has a spatula that transforms, right? I'm sure there will be other "weapons" in the future.

Oh Mary, I have to wonder how smart of a move it is to hide in a GREASER branch when you have fled from that company. I'm sure you have your reasons.

[Kitsune Inferno]

Hiding in plain sight is the perfect hiding spot, Huschy.

[ChesCa]

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Hidden:

Not too much to say this time. I like the pacing and plot development of this chapter. Nicko's power to bring back discontinued recipes sounds like a super power a corporation would love to have.
All in all, a fun read. :)

[RPGJay]

Finally I got this done. And now sleep will happen.

GREASER ORDER #4:
Food for Thought

Page 1

Spoiler:

*The battle resumes from Harris’ perspective. Harris is positioned near the entrance/exit of the restaurant. He is on his knees wincing in pain and has several holes in his body, still bloodily sizzling because of Bayley’s last attack. His spatula is still tightly gripped by his right hand. Its flames are erratically bouncing around the spatula, as if reacting to Harris’ wounds*
*Bayley begins laughing maniacally*
Bayley: “Eeeheeheehee, is that all you’ve got boy? Come on! Get up! I’m not done playing with you yet!”
Harris: (Thought Bubble): “Damn it all! My flames won’t be able to scorch this hick and the only thing that can activate my special ability is in my locker. Plus his body is too durable for physical attacks, my spatula barely scratched him. How the hell am I supposed to beat him?”
*Bayley’s mechanical eye begins to glow a brighter shade of red*
Bayley: “Fine, just sit there and die. This will end shortly.”
Harris: “*struggling to get on his feet* Damn!”

Page 2

Spoiler:

Bayley: “*with a sinister grin* Bayley Burst!”
*Harris manages to stand up in time and frantically dashes out of the way of the incoming blazing hot stream of red beams. Bayley quickly reacts to this by turning his body so that his ongoing stream follows Harris around the now heavily damaged interior of the restaurant*
*While strafing around Bayley, dodging and weaving around the beams, Harris’ wound on the left side of his stomach splits open further, shooting out blood*
Harris: “*grabbing the wound with his left hand in pain* Ack!”
Bayley: “*smirking* Gotcha.”

Page 3

Spoiler:

*Harris gazes in agony at the bright red stream only a few feet away and making a beeline for his body. In an instant Harris puts his spatula in front of him as the jumping flames gather and travel up the neck*
Harris: “Charbroil-“
*Before Harris could finish his sentence several beams strike and pierce through his body in the split second before his wall of flames could completely cover him. While the flames block the rest of the red beams that followed, the initial beams burned holes above the other wound on the left side of his stomach, through his right shoulder, and two beams that grazed the side of his right leg and the left side of his face*
*Harris falls backwards as the last beams fired from Bayley’s eye are dispersed into the dome of flames. The flames then begin to dissipate*

Page 4

Spoiler:

*As Harris falls backwards, there is a point of view panel that shows Harris staring at the cracked and dilapidated ceiling*
Harris: (Thought Bubble): “That’s it!”
*Harris hits the ground as the flames around him completely disappear, save for a small amount of fire that remained on the end of Harris’ spatula*
Bayley: “*crazed* Eeeheeheeheeheehee! What didja expect? Who did ya think was gonna win?”

Page 5

Spoiler:

Bayley: “A battle between the two of us was determined by two things.”
*Bayley raises his index finger and middle finger*
Bayley: “Your fire can’t burn me, your spatula barely hurts me, and you’re just too slow!”
Harris: “Those are three things and shut up.”
*To Bayley’s shocked expression, Harris while barely conscious wearily manages to stand up once more. His entire body is trembling, his legs in particular shaking profusely. His entire body is drenched in blood*
Harris: “*scowling* I don’t want someone breaking down my front door just to lecture me”.

Page 6

Spoiler:

Bayley: “Ya have the devil’s own luck boy. All of those beams musta missed your vitals. Don’t worry; I won’t make the same mistake twice”.
*Despite initially stumbling, Harris miraculously runs forward directly at Bayley, the last of his flames gather at the tip of his spatula and brightly growing in size. Bayley stands perfectly still despite this charge*
Bayley: “Come on, run to your death! I’ll send this next attack right through your heart!”

Page 7

Spoiler:

Harris: “You asked who you thought was going to win?”
*Harris grabs his spatula with both hands and positions it to his right side by his hip*
Bayley: (Thought Bubble): “Underhand?”
Harris: “Burger…”
*Harris’ spatula begins leaving a blazing trail of fire directly behind it*

Page 8

Spoiler:

Harris: “Flip!”
*A large thick column of fire explodes forth from underneath the spatula, rocketing the spatula, as well as Harris, upwards, smacking Bayley’s jaw at a supersonic speed*
Bayley: “Graaah!”
*The column of fire continues to explode upward towards the ceiling, forcing Bayley into the sky while crashing through the restaurant’s ceiling. Harris is propelled upward to the ceiling from the flames before being pushed away from the uprising pillar of fire and onto the top of the GREASER building*

Page 9

Spoiler:

*Bayley continues rising into the sky*
Harris: “*smiling* I’d say it’s up in the air. After all, I don’t have the strength to hurt you, much less lift you…”
*The perspective switches to Bayley as the flames finally begin to disappear mid-air*
Bayley: “…Ya bastard! You’ll pay for…eh?”

Page 10

Spoiler:

*Bayley looks down in terror, realizing he is high above the clouds. The only thing he can see below the cloud cover is the single hole in the clouds caused by the column of fire. From this spot Bayley can only see a tiny black speck that was the GREASER building he was blasted from*
Bayley: “*His eyeball popping out of his socket* AHHHHH!”
*The scene switches back to Harris lying on the roof*
Harris: “*still smiling*…And I am too slow to hit you even if I could. However if I were to light a big flame under me using the last of my Grease and launch myself like a rocket and you into the sky, I think gravity can help me out just this once”.

Page 11

Spoiler:

*The perspective switches to a wide shot above the vast and empty GREASER parking lot next to the side of a highway. The sun has almost completely set over the horizon, leaving the sky red. One panel shows the parking lot while the one that follows show a gigantic smoldering crater that used to be the parking lot. When the dust clears it shows Bayley has landed on the outer edge of the parking lot, knocked out cold in the crater while Blaze is nearby, in the same panel, by the edge of the highway*
*The perspective switches back over to Harris on the roof. His spatula by his right side turns back to a normal sized spatula*

Page 12

Spoiler:

Harris: “…Uh, so how do I get down from here? If I don’t get back inside soon I might really die”.
*The part of the roof Harris is laying on begins to crack around him*
Harris: “*Worried expression* Please…no…”
*The section of the roof underneath Harris collapses*
Harris: “*Frightened* Aaaaaah!”

Page 13

Spoiler:

*Harris lands on the dusty beat-up floor of the restaurant, next to the pile of dusty rubble Nicko lays on*
Harris: “*Agitated* Fine gravity! We’re even now!”
*As Harris shouts at physics, Nicko wakes up*
Nicko: “*yawns* Mornin’ Harris”.
Harris: “Good evening Nicko”.

Page 14

Spoiler:

*Nicko looks around the now ruined front end of GREASER. Chairs are overturned, the door is broken down, the walls have holes in them, the ceiling now has an open roof, and there is rubble everywhere*
Nicko: “So how drunk was I when I dragged my ass to work this time?”
Harris: “Probably sober enough, we just fought a pair of rampaging cyborg rednecks that were out for revenge…that sounds a lot weirder saying it out loud”.
Nicko: “*Remembering* Oh yeah! I had to take that fat bastard’s attack in order to finish him off!”
Harris: “Why didn’t you just use my Burger Press?”
Nicko: “He said his stomach was shock absorbent or some kind of impossible crap like that. So I had to copy his beam and-“
Harris: “*Cutting Nicko off* Then why didn’t you just…not aim for his stomach?”
Nicko: “…Hey Harris how did you get so beat up?”
Harris: (Thought Bubble): “What am I going to do with you?”

Page 15

Spoiler:

Harris: “Hey can you move?”
Nicko: “*Annoyed* No way dude! I saw this pile of debris first! Get you own!”
Harris: “*Very annoyed* I mean is it possible for you to get up and walk? I’m kind of bleeding to death and I would prefer if I wasn’t”.
Nicko: “Oh…now that you mention it I don’t feel anything below my shoulders hahaha-*coughs painfully* ow, it hurts to laugh”.
Harris: “*Severely annoyed* Well that’s great. I think I can only move my arms. I’m screwed”.
*Murray sheepishly creeps up from under the counter as cautiously as possible. His glasses are halfway off his face, hanging by his left ear. His right eye is revealed while his left eye is obscured by the setting sun reflected off the left lense*
Murray: “I-is it over?”
Harris/Nicko: “!!”

Page 16

Spoiler:

Harris: “*Shouting* Hey New Guy! Can you do us a really big favor?”
Murray: “Huh? I do not know any first aid!”
Harris: “*Making gestures with his right hand pointing to his Harris’ left and downwards* Under the register there’s a box in the bottom right cupboard. Open it and toss what’s inside over to me!”
Murray: “*Flustered* A-alright.”
*Murray pulls out a small dusty cardboard box and sets it on the counter. He opens the box and finds it is full of bottles of HP Sauce*
Murray: “*Tilts head in confusion* HP Sauce?”

Page 17

Spoiler:

Nicko: “Oh good he found it”.
Harris: “Sweet! Now toss a few bottles of those to me!”
Murray: “How on earth would these help?”
Harris: “It’s HP Sauce. They will recover our HP”.
Nicko: “Duh”.
Murray: “This is not an RPG!”
*Murray pulls 3 bottles of HP Sauce and tosses them from over the counter directly at Harris*
Murray: “Whatever, just catch!”
*Harris reaches out with his bloodied hands and catches the necks of the bottles between his fingers*
Harris: “*Grinning* Thanks man!”
*Harris rips open the cap and quickly guzzles down the contents of the bottle*

Page 18

Spoiler:

*Upon swallowing the sauce Harris’ muscles all enlarge over his body as he lies in the rubble. The wounds and holes scattered around his body immediately stop bleeding begin to repair themselves until all that is left are small blue bruises where the wounds used to be. Harris then jumps upright onto his feet*
Harris: “Hah, much better!”
*Murray begins to speak as Harris pours a bottle down Nicko’s throat*
Murray: “*Freaked out* What kind of crazy placebo effect is that?”
*Nicko brings himself to his feet as Harris triumphantly walks from the debris of the ruined front of the restaurant towards the counter*
Nicko: “*Stretching his arms* Ah, still pretty sore”.
Harris: “Same here pal, but we can walk it off. Now c’mon let’s make sure Adrian and Charlotte are alright”.
*Murray’s jaw has dropped*
Murray: (Thought Bubble): “You guys are freaks”.

END Order #4

[ChesCa]

And you are the second-to-last for this batch (poor Crossword is getting his review really late).

I loved the visual of the climax of this battle, as well as Nick and Harris' banter when the roof comes down. The HP sauce also made me laugh a little. In short, a good resolution chapter.

[RPGJay]

And you are the second-to-last for this batch (poor Crossword is getting his review really late).

I loved the visual of the climax of this battle, as well as Nick and Harris' banter when the roof comes down. The HP sauce also made me laugh a little. In short, a good resolution chapter.

Thanks Cuddles~

I was kind of hoping people would know what HP Sauce is. I know it's usually more of a British thing.