Trials or Tribulations

[Gizmo]

I have been wanting to write stories for a few years now. And I've also been giving myself excuses for putting them off. But I've decided to start a thread and put what I wrote here. I probably won't update often but I'm going to try. Any and all criticism is welcome.

Without further ado I'll post this here. It's the first chapter in one of my oldest ideas, please welcome Trials or Tribulations
Chapter 1

Spoiler:

Perry

I watched my friend as he began his lecture for the second time today while I waited to be introduced. Henry Bryner asked me to give a presentation on this island’s history like he has done every year since we both moved to Verde Island. I zoned out as Bryner gave his announcements and started to reflect on the progress the two of us made, especially this past year. Our goal was within our reach. Years of searching, and we were almost there. In the past 7 seven years I did this, I would always hope this would be my last visit to The Vermillion Boarding School, but this was the first time I really felt like this wish could turn into reality.

The classroom remained the same since my first visit. Room 401 was a mini auditorium that could seat roughly 100 students. The first time I was here, Bryner had about 20 students in his class. Now, over half the auditorium was full. Normally Bryner taught two classes and tended to act as a sub for the absent teachers when necessary.

I was right next to the door in the back of the room. Above me was a world map that covered the entire upper back wall. The walls on the side were covered with maps that covered smaller regions of the world with much more detail. If somebody wanted to find any city in the world, I would bet it could be found on one of these maps. From the ceiling hung a tiny projector that provided images for his lectures on his giant projector screen. Since the projector wasn’t down, three whiteboards could be seen holding the student’s assignments for the week. His desk and another door was to the left of the whiteboards. Large stacks of paper were cluttered around Bryner’s desk. Above that door was a flag of the Calico Jack Jolly Roger. He got it from the gift shop during his first visit at my job. Next to the Jolly Roger was a clock that could be seen anywhere in the classroom. I turned my attention back toward Bryner.

He was a fairly tall man and could reach over six feet with the right shoes on. He had dirty-blond hair and bright blue eyes that hid behind his glasses if he failed to put on his contacts, which happens more often than not. His school attire consisted of a blazer (today he chose his dark blue one) and slacks, most were black like the pair he wore today. Despite his despondent demeanor lately, he seemed to lecture with a lot of energy in his voice. I couldn’t tell if he was faking his enthusiasm or not for he could always put on a smile and cheery attitude if he tried and most of the time I could not tell the difference. While he pointed towards the whiteboard and explained to his students what they had in store for the week, I looked around the classroom to see if I could spot “the one”.

I shuddered. “The one”. It was a horrid thing to think about but Bryner seemed open minded about the scenario. Bryner told me that he wasn’t hard to spot, but I only saw the back of the student’s heads. Most of the class was attentive to Bryner. A few near the back talked amongst themselves. Third row to the very left, I spotted a kid in a school jersey frantically trying to write something down. During my second scan of the room, I spotted someone in the back corner by himself who I somehow missed. He had short, jet black hair and an equally black hoodie. At first, I thought the kid was attentive since he had pencil in his left hand. Then I noticed that his face was resting on his right hand as his arm held his head up. In his defense, the kid could just be tired or bored. I doubted he was tired since the students just had a break before this period started. Bryner also said that this person, “the one”, excelled at history, so I didn’t think he could find the material boring. Once again, a chill crept up my spine so I turned to the front of the class and tuned in just as Bryner began introducing me.

”But we will start all of that tomorrow because today we have a guest speaker,” Bryner explained. “He is an executive director at The Vermillion Museum. He has managed many of the recent archeological projects across town and continuously plans for future interactive events for the community. His position has left him very knowledgeable in our little island’s history, and he was nice enough to come down today to share of bit of what he knows about the island, along with how this city grew into what it is today. So without further ado, let me introduce Mr. Nicholls.”

Bryner gestured me in as if I was a contestant on a game show. A round of applause was given as I started down the steps. I took a quick glance at the kid in the corner. Despite his large, round glasses I noticed bags under his eyes, but he seemed normal enough. The guy in the corner was not part of the applause, but as I walked down the steps he lifted his head up and twirled his pencil around his fingers.

“I’d like you all to give him your full attention. That includes you Jeff. You should really finish your homework earlier than the period right before it’s due.” The guy in the jersey looked up, embarrassed, and put his stuff off his desk and on top of his backpack. As I faced his class Bryner gave me a goofy grin and a pat on the back as he headed toward his desk.

My mouth formed a smile despite myself and I turned to face the students as Bryner took a seat at his desk.

“It’s good to be here. I’m happy to come down to the Vermillion Boarding School and share a little bit of what I know. But before I do, I just wanted to ask, how many people have visited the ‘Timeline of Verde Island’ exhibit at The Vermillion Museum?”

A few hands shot up. One of which was half-heartedly held up by the guy in the back. His face was looking down on his desk, but when he looked back up and saw that I was looking at him, the boy put his arm back down and began twirling his pencil again.

“Oh good. The Timeline Exhibit was one of my first executive decisions when I became the director. It’s a nice exhibit if any of you are interested in learning about our little island. I guess I’ll start at the beginning. The earliest rulers of this island were the Portuguese in the late 1500s. It was one of the earliest settlements made by the Portuguese, but its main function was a resting dock for their ships to rest while preparing their expeditions in Central and Southern America. Eventually, a town was borne and Verde Island became a hot spot for international trade and commerce.”

One of the girls that visited the Timeline Museum waved her hand. She had chestnut brown hair set in a ponytail and sat in front of Bryner’s desk. Bryner gave me a look to check if I saw her.

“Yes, you in the blue blouse.”

“Sorry Mr. Nicholls,” she said. Her gaze shifted towards Bryner. “But there were people here long before the Portuguese right? When the Portuguese arrived here in the early 1500s, they studied the agriculture and the ways the locals irrigated their fields before killing off most the population and turning the few survivors into slaves.”

I was stunned. She wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t expecting a student to “correct” me during my presentation. Bryner answered the student for me, “That’s true Stacy. It’s believed that the residents that were here migrated from somewhere on one of the main lands a couple hundred years before any Europeans started to become curious about the Americas.”

“Right.” My voice finally came back to me. “Stacy is it? You are absolutely correct. The takeover of the Portuguese over the locals is actually one of the first dioramas at the Timeline exhibit.”

“Well, it’s nice to know that my students seem to know more about your area of expertise than you do.” This led to a few chuckles by the students. I shook my head but kept the smile on my face. It stung a bit, but it was fine. Once again, I looked up to the kid in the corner. He rolled his eyes and seemed amused. Yet, despite his half-smile I don’t think he found it funny either.

Bryner turned to the class and said, “I kid of course. But nice catch Stacy. I’m glad you took my advice on going to the Museum.”

As Bryner gave Stacy his approval for showing me up a small smile formed on her face. She rubbed her hand on her neck as she tried to avoid Bryner’s gaze directly.

I decided to spend some time explaining the culture of the locals. I expected the students knew what my speech normally consisted of, since I gave the same speech every time I came here. It’s the tale that brought Bryner and me here in the first place.

I was ready to segue into the tale by turning the conversation to the British. During that time, I noticed the kid in the jersey kept his head down and tried to keep a low profile, which just made what he was doing all the more obvious. This fact wasn’t missed by Bryner.

“Jeff, seriously, do your homework on your own time,” Bryner asserted. Jeff gave Bryner an annoyed look as he put away his books in his backpack this time. “Sorry for interrupting Nicholls.”

“It’s fine. Now where was I? Oh yes, Verde was given to the British as a gift to show goodwill for the restoration of the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance after the Portuguese Restoration War. Now this is true, but there was another reason why the Portuguese decided to give this island away.” I paused for “dramatic” effect. “How many people know of the Pirate known as the Golden Devil, or as he was known back in the day, “The Diablo del Dorado?”
This time around, about half of the class had their hands up. The boy in the back of the room once again had his hand to his head. He tried to stifle a yawn. He seemed to be trying his best to pay attention. Maybe he was just tired.

“The legend of Double D shrouded in mystery. A cunning smuggler, his high intelligence was fabled to be only rivaled by his sheer viciousness. The true identity of this Pirate is said to still a mystery, and there are no official records of his arrest or death.

His name came from Spanish sailors that recorded the first witness to his attacks. The Golden Devil only attacked Spanish ships at first, but his terror soon spread to other nations and his ship attacked indiscriminately. He received his name for smuggling anything valuable from the passing vessels, but his vessel was never spotted by anybody outside those that were mugged, and the stolen merchandise was never recorded to pop up. Legend stated that the Golden Devil took all of his merchandise to the Underworld, while some theorists believe that this merchandise was sold on the black market.

Hundreds of years later, the secret behind Double D’s success has more or less been revealed through various records and journals. The local authorities and the merchants along the coast were on his pay roll. Sometimes the Merchants didn’t have their merchandise actually stolen. Many decided to make the “deal with the Devil”. If this didn’t work, the Diablo used extortion. There were a few cases where the “Golden Devil” was captured and executed, but a few days later the Devil would “rise again from the Underworld”. It was presumed that he hired fall guys in his place to sever his connections to the attacks.

Eventually, Double D essentially ruled the island. There was only a tiny minority that rebelled against his rule, claiming their loyalty to the Portuguese crown. It led to chaos among the island, and the instability made the other countries decide to start an embargo.

Coincidentally, the mayor at the time, Drake Dias, decided to sell the island to Britain. However, many believe that the deal made by the British was with the Devil himself. In exchange for the island, it was presumed that Double D kept his business operating. Those that were fighting back against the city were perceived as Portuguese extremists fighting against the British, something that the motherland did not want. The Golden Devil had the best of both worlds, his payroll and some sense of inner peace.

So there you go. If you choose to believe it, this island was became what it is today because of a legendary Pirate. This is where the story of Double D ends. Any questions?”

A few hands went up in the air, but the only one I was interested in was the one I had my eye on the entire class period. “Yes, you in the hoodie?”

The boy cleared his throat with a slight cough and asked wearing a serious expression, “Um…yeah…what happened to Double D’s treasure?”

There were some odd looks toward the kid. I swore I heard one of the kids in the front row whisper how surprised she was the boy asked about something, though it could be my mind playing tricks on me.

“Well, like I said, many believe the treasure was sold on the black market.”

“Right, but you mentioned that he kept the merchants on his payroll even after Britain took over, so Drake must’ve had a lot of money stashed somewhere to pay them off since he kept his business running even after his active years. Plus, you don’t seem to believe the treasure was sold on the black market.”

Bryner and I exchanged a look. There were murmurs of agreement among the students. A smirk appeared on the boy’s face.

“What makes you say that?”

“You keep saying, ‘many believe’, instead of telling us what you think happened.”

“Like I said, no records of the stolen merchandise exist. That’s why most believe it was sold in the black market. I will admit though, that there are those, including myself, that believe the treasure is still hidden. While it could be on some remote island, the treasure could also be somewhere within Vermillion. Nobody knows for sure.”

The boy let the words ponder. His expression was impossible to read.

On the other hand, the boy in the Jersey seemed to have paid attention to my story and blurted his thoughts. “So is that why you’re always digging around the island? Are you searching for treasure?”

Bryner and I turned to each other and started laughing simultaneously. A few students also followed in the laughter, not understanding the joke between the two of us.

“Yeah Jeff, he’s a real Dr. Jones,” one of the kids sneered. At this point Jeff shot the kid a dirty look. He let out a snort and clenched his fists.

“Well it would be nice if I could find that treasure,” I replied truthfully. Hopefully it would happen soon. “In fact, if any of you want to go try to find that treasure sign up for any of The Museum’s archaeology projects. We’re always looking for volunteers that are willing to go with us on ‘these adventures’.”

“And with that I think we’ll end it for today,” Bryner stated as he got up and pointed towards the clock. The class gave me another round of applause. I could see the whole class clapping, except for the boy in the hoodie. He put on his backpack and turned himself towards the door. “I’d like to thank you again on behalf of the class.”

The bell let out a large ring and the boy in the hoodie seemed to sprint out the door. Bryner tried to call him, but it was too late. “Shoot. Alright class see you tomorrow. Stacy, could I see you for a quick minute?” Her eyes widened as she mustered up a nod toward her teacher.

Eventually it was just the three of us alone in the room. Stacy began twirling her hair and waited in anticipation to hear what Bryner had to say.

“So Stacy, what’d you think of Mr. Nicholls speech?”

She turned to me embarrassed. “You did a great job. I’m sorry about the whole Portugal weren’t the first thing…”

“Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal,” I assured her.

“It’s not. I just like to give Nicholls a hard time every so often,” Bryner said as he winked at me. Stacy let out a few giggles but then repositioned herself in a dignified manner.

“Actually, I wanted to see if you were interested in an extra-curricular project,” Bryner explained. “It’s something that both Nicholls and I are working on, and I was hoping I could get my brightest students to help me out.”

Stacy was glowing from her teacher’s admiration. Eagerly she replied, “Of course. Anything for you, Mr. Bryner…” She began to blush. And there was a short awkward moment of silence before she recomposed herself. “I mean, yeah. Definitely.”

“Great, so is after school today okay with you,” Bryner asked.

“Sure, it shouldn’t be a problem,” Stacy said. She turned towards me and shook my hand in gratitude I guess, I’m not sure why, said her goodbyes and left. As she left, Bryner’s smile disappeared as he began to rummage through his drawers.

“Well, I have a free period right now, so let me clean up a bit and we’ll get lunch,” Bryner said as he started organizing his desk. “We’ll also plan how we’re going to present this to them.”

“Don’t forget the logbook.”

“Yeah, it’s here somewhere.” Bryner stopped for a moment to think where he placed it.

“So is she the one,” I asked. Then I mentally kicked myself. I didn’t want to bring it up, but I was curious. She didn’t seem to fit the description.

“No,” Bryner flipped the papers on his desk all around. He kept searching until he took out our prized possession. The paper was ancient but the writing was well preserved for the most part. The binding on the other hand seemed to be falling apart by the seams. Dust blew from the leathery cover with a skull carved on the front. “She’s just another bright student I thought I could help us out.”

“She seems nice…and has a major crush on you,” I teased.

“Alright, first off, she’s underage. Second, she’s my student,” Bryner said while giving me a dirty look.

“Isn’t this a senior class,” I asked jokingly.

“This is getting uncomfortable by the second,” he said sternly while flipping through the pages. “And I’m not deflecting, but when was the last time you went out with a woman?”

“Hey, I’m just waiting for the right girl.”

“And that would be…”

“The one that loves being spoiled by somebody super rich.”

“You’re not rich yet.”

“Yeah, but we’re close. We’re really close.” I paused for a bit as Bryner kept flipping through the book. I didn’t want to bring it up, but I felt like I should know. “So if she’s not the one, who is?”

“You know. I doubt you called on him to ask his question randomly.”

“The kid just seemed tired to me. People can be tired.”

“He’s always tired. And he never says anything in this class, to me or the other kids.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. He could just not like this class.”

“It’s not just this class. I’ve heard from the other teachers. He is like that in every class, though I doubt he would need to ask any questions. He’s one of the highest, if not the highest ranked kid in the school. You knew it was him right? So it must be obvious.”

“But that’s because I was looking for him. And besides, we’re not even sure that is what Double D meant in his notes?”

“True. We still haven’t seen the coffin. But we were right about the moon. Plus, what else could it mean?” Bryner gave the book to me opened on those dreadful pages.

This was the reason I was so hopeful. At the beginning of the year, during one of my archaeological digs near the coast, this book washed up along the shore, almost by fate. After months of verifications, the both of us were certain that this was the logbook of Double D. It was the biggest clue we’ve received, and with the devil’s luck guiding us, we realized that there were directions to his fabled treasure.

A few pages were torn, and a couple of the pages at the end were drenched in black ink, but we were certain the directions to his treasure were kept intact. One of the pages at the very back had a treasure chest, but the drawings showed a grim fate that awaited those that took the journey.

A picture of a horned demon was drawn right next to a closed coffin. Streaks of red oozed from the coffin and a hand could be seen sticking out. The drawings showed that as the coffin with the corpse within dropped, a passageway opened which led toward the treasure.

“These drawings could mean anything. There are way too many unknowns at this point.”

That’s when Bryner gave me a stern gaze. He wasn’t angry, but I felt troubled when he looked at me in this way.

“You’re right. But we’ve been over this. We have been in the passage. It’s a possibility.”

“But…”

“He has no one. No living relatives. No friends. He is miserable. I feel like we would be doing him a favor.”

“Hey, don’t joke about that.”

“Just be glad I’m not thinking of throwing you into that coffin.” Complete deadpan but he wagged his finger excessively which showed he meant that as a joke.

“Now this is getting uncomfortable. Let’s go back to talking about that Stacy girl.” The both of us laughed, but I wanted to make my message clear. “I’m just saying this is way too hasty.”

“I don’t want it to come to that. Really, I don’t. I’m just saying, the option is open. I’m just pointing it out, not really considering it.”
But I wasn’t convinced. He had been talking about this idea a lot lately.

“Alright. Let’s just drop it. But you are really sure about the other thing? Are you sure we should get your students involved at all?”

“We’ve been staring at this for awhile now and we’re not making headway. A fresh perspective can really be helpful,” Bryner took the book back from me and began flipping through it again. “Also, they’re my students. I don’t think they would expect an equal four way split. And seriously, these kids are some of the smartest I’ve ever had. You’ll see.”

I already believed that these kids were pretty bright. That Stacy knew her history, though I do wonder if it was just to impress Bryner. But even her infatuation could be of some use. As for the boy… he read through my story well enough to know what I thought of Double D’s treasure. That kid…”the one”.

“What was that boy’s name again?”

“Who?”

“Seriously?” I heard my heartbeat. I was curious but scared to find out the answer. There will be a name along with a face to the body I had nightmares of sacrificing to get something I’ve been searching for years.

“His name is Jake. Shoot. That reminds me. I need to pass a note to him so that he knows to meet us after school. We’ll drop by the office before we go, okay?” He shuffled the papers on his desk into a neat pile and prepared to head out the door.

I took a deep breath. Things were about to get very complicated, but who knows? It might just be worth it. “Sure. No problem. So for lunch. What are you feeling like?” And with that walked out the classroom to get a bite to eat.

[ChesCa]

Your turn now.
As it stands, the premise is good, buuuuuuut the execution needs some work.
For starters, your tenses need to be consistent. This gets better later (I think, I deliberately stopped paying attention), but in the beginning it switches between past and present.
Two sentences stick out to my mind: 'Probably like mine he probably couldn’t help it,' which is redundant and needs one less probably, and 'for some reason the writing was smudged.' The book washed onto shore, it was a miracle the pictures were intact. That said, our main character should know why the letters were smudged. He should be more confused about the pics.
The jokes about him dating a seventeen year old seems kind of forced and juvenile, but it could be that you had it pictured better in your head. The part where Stacey brings up the slaughtering of the natives also seems like a forced joke since it didn't seem all that funny. I know the punchline was Nicholls getting embarrassed but even then it's still forced.
You should probably put 'the one' in quotations the first time it's mentioned and then capitalize it so it doesn't bleed into the rest of the description.
Don't say Jake's name before it's asked for. I know this sounds like a nitpick but better to not have the teacher call out to him. Leave it a mystery until the end.
The Good Points: A conspiracy to possibly kill someone so that treasure can be found being told from the POV of the (presumably) bad guy. That's enough to keep my attention, but you'll have to brush up on your skills to draw me more into it.
A decent start. I look forward to further progress. :)

[Gizmo]

Know it's a bit late, but thanks for the feedback Cuddles!

The past/present issue is something I've been told I've needed help on, hoping to work on that. The smudges are a part of a bigger picture...I might rewrite that into something different but it involves the same effect in the end.

The dialogue is something I'm going to work on. For the teacher's comments I wanted something kinda corny but something the people would like anyways. Had a teacher that had some good one liners. Same with the (trying to be) witty conversation between Nicholls and Bryner. Going to work on that.

I appreciate the feedback. Hoping to see the results from the bi-weekly and then I'm going to work on Chapter 2, then rewrite chapter 1. Though not sure when...

[Gizmo]

When I first joined the subforum, I thought it said bi-yearly competition, not bi-weekly...

Lame jokes aside...here's chapter 2.

Spoiler:

Jeff

This was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

I just wanted the keys to the weight room, not a lecture. I couldn't just say I’m running late for class either since it was lunchtime.

“Don’t give me that look. It’s the school’s policy, not mine,” Coach Lawson pointed out. “Dean Williamson just checked on the entire team’s grades this morning. You guys need to get your act together.”

“It’s not my fault that Mr. Grant can’t teach math for shit,” I retorted.

“Hey! Watch your fucking language around school hours Jeff, and it’s not just math. It’s history too.”

I understood why coach was telling me this, but I knew my grades. I really did not need the reminder.

“History is just a fluke,” I replied cracking my knuckles. “I bombed Mr. Bryner’s last test because I had a paper and a math test that day too. I should be okay in that class. And I’ll figure something out about math.”

“You better. As captain, you need to set an example for the team. Not to mention be able to play on the team.” I nodded my head in agreement as he threw me the keys.

“Bryner is a pretty fair teacher,” Coach started before I could head out the door. “From what I hear, you’re the on edge in that class. Try to ask him if there’s some way you can boost your grade, at least enough so Williamson gets off my back about it.”

I knew coach would just keep bugging me until I talked to Mr. Bryner so I decided to just get it out of the way. “Will do. Do you know where I can find him?”

“He should be back from lunch by now. Ask the Administration’s Office.”


A small part of me didn’t want to see him since I was scolded earlier, but I didn’t hate Mr. Bryner. World History was actually one of my better classes this year. The other history teachers at Vermillion put me to sleep, but I haven’t fallen asleep yet in his class.

As luck would have it, I saw him just as I walked into the building. He was with the Museum dude from class earlier today by the office scanner. The suit and ties seems overkill for a high school lecture, but that Dr. Jones character seems like the type that would wear a suit everywhere he went. He was flipping through some raggedy leather bound book.

I caught their attention and I started to build up my case.

“I wanted to know if there was something I could do to boost my grade up a bit. I swear that last test was just a fluke, and I can’t afford to be on probation,” I explained.

Mr. Bryner seemed to understand. “I was surprised as well. You did well on the first test I gave, but ever since then, you’ve been on a steady decline. You also don’t seem to be trying as hard on your homework lately either. Is it the material, or are you just getting busy?”

“Oh man, I’ve been swamped. It’s senior year, why are you guys pushing us so hard?”

He gave a small chuckle. “I’m not quite sure myself, but I think if you just put the effort you did at the beginning of the year, you should be fine. Have you been keeping up with the readings for the week?”

I grimaced. “Actually, I haven’t started yet. In fact, I’m a bit behind. But I will.” I thought I heard a humph from the Museum guest. I gave him a dirty gaze as Mr. Bryner began to offer me some help.

“Look, I understand our school’s policy, and I realize you’ve been busy. I tend to stay an extra hour or two after school most days, so if you ever feel like you need to go over the material, I’ll be around.”

“Thanks Mr. Bryner. It means a lot. Is tomorrow after school good for you?”

“Sure thing. I’ll keep my schedule open.” As I strolled out the building he and Dr. Jones returned to scanning pages from that book. So that was my plan, until I saw Coach Lawson again to return his keys later.


The Dean was planning a mandatory lecture about what he believes to be “the fall of education among the athletes” for the basketball team this afternoon. To stay on his good side, Coach decided to cancel practice today so the kids had time “to study”. Luckily, he gave me permission to ditch the lecture since he gave me a similar speech already.

With the afternoon free, I was going to warn my friends and try to get them to ditch too, but I decided that it might be best to try to focus on my schoolwork instead. Mr. Bryner did say he was free most afternoons.


As I walked to the 400 building, I noticed two people in front of Mr. Bryner’s classroom.

I wasn’t too surprised to see Stacy. Word around school was that she was in love with Bryner. Maybe she just spent afternoons trying to get to know him better under the pretense of studying, I wasn’t sure. All I know was that she was involved in a bunch of clubs around school and is probably the top rank, if not high up there in academics.

The person waiting next to Stacy was an entirely different story. I sorta knew Jake a long time ago. He was the only person I knew when I first came to Vermillion High School and it was the same for him. He was always pretty quiet even when we were young. Everyone thinks that “the accident” changed him greatly, and I can’t imagine how he could cope with the situation, but even before “the accident” we never hung out when we were kids or during freshman year. We weren’t exactly friends before coming here, but I always felt Jake was the one that kept it that way, even now.

I was certain that Jake wasn’t struggling with his classes. I wasn’t sure of the reason, but he was not here for tutoring. Might as well check to see if Mr. Bryner's busy.

The two turned to me with surprised looks on their faces, as well as a slight frown from Stacy.

“Hey Jeff. Did Mr. Bryner ask to see you too,” Stacy asked me.

Jake shook his head seemingly to himself since Stacy didn’t notice.

“No. I just wanted to talk with Mr. Bryner about the latest chapter. The school is all of a sudden really concerned with grades of the basketball team.”

“Oh, okay. I’m not sure if it’s a good time though. Mr. Bryner asked me about some project he’s working on,” she said with much more cheer in her voice. “He also asked Jake too,” she added in an afterthought. Jake nodded in agreement.

“Oh okay. So what’s the project?”

“Actually, I wasn’t sure myself,” Stacy replied. “Jake seems to know a bit more about it though.”

At that moment, Jake pulled out a wad of paper from his pocket, began uncrumpling it, and handed it to me, the words illegible from the wrinkles and smudged handwriting. I showed Jake the paper and he gave a small sigh.

“I don’t know that much either,” Jake mumbled. “All I know is that the project involves the lecture from class today somehow, and that he was hoping to get some of his best students on it.”

He shifted his gaze away from me and started to look uncomfortable. It took me a few seconds to guess why.

“Well, I guess I should come back another time.” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice.

I turned around walking away when I heard my name shouted from a few feet behind me.

I looked as Jake averted my gaze as if by reflex before heading towards me.

“Maybe you should stick around. It probably won’t take too long.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need to see him anyways. I just wanted to check if he was busy.”

“He’s not. Stick around,” he insisted. Before I could give a respond he continued with, “It would help me out if you stuck around.”

“Huh,” I asked irritatingly. “How could I help?”

Before I could get a response, Mr. Bryner opened his classroom door, letting Stacy enter the classroom before walking towards the two of us.

“I’m glad you decided to come Jake,” Mr. Bryner said before he turned to me. “Jeff. This is a surprise. I thought you wanted to meet up tomorrow afternoon.”

“Yeah, my afternoon cleared up so I wanted to see if you’re free, but I realize you’re busy,” I explained. “I’ll just drop by another time.”

Jake decided to speak up. “Actually, Mr. Bryner, how long would this take? Maybe you and Jeff could talk afterwards.”

Mr. Bryner paused for a bit trying to decide the right words to say. “Actually, this might take some time to explain. I’m sorry Jeff, but you understand right?”

Before I was able to respond, Jake interrupted. “Maybe Jeff could help us out. It’s a win-win. You need some help for this ‘project’, and Jeff needs some extra credit for the class. How about it?”

Once again, Mr. Bryner mulled his thoughts over before speaking, but I already knew my response. “Look, I’m already swamped with practice and everything else, I can’t really add on another project in my life.”

“Well that settles that,” Bryner said. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

Jake however, wouldn’t let it go. Once again, he spoke before I could leave. “I’m sorry for pushing. I’m just curious, why did you tell me to keep this a secret, but not Stacy?”

This time, Bryner answered right away. “I forgot to mention to Stacy that I didn’t really want this to spread around the school. It’s a project involving Mr. Nicholls and myself that is still in the works, and the both of us don’t want the details out in the open right now.”

“It’s not illegal is it,” Jake asked.

“No, Of course not...”

“Then it should be fine if Jeff hears about it as well, right?”

I’m not sure why this was so important to Jake, but I did wonder what Mr. Bryner was hiding. “Well, I do have a free afternoon. How about it?”

“Well…, I suppose you are welcome to come inside Jeff if you really want to join.”

Jake agreed immediately. I also responded but without Jake’s enthusiasm. “Sure. Depending on how long this takes, is there a chance we can start by going over the previous chapter?”
“Maybe,” Mr. Bryner replied. “Just promise me, the both of you won’t spread a word of what I’m about to reveal.”

The both of us nodded and all of us walked to his classroom. Just before I headed in, Jake gave me a tap on the shoulder.

“Thanks. I’m sorry about pushing you into this, but that emphasis on not telling anybody made me wonder how badly they wanted to keep this project a secret.”

“No problem. This does seem kinda sketch.”


Dr. Jones was waiting inside talking to Stacy at Mr. Bryner’s front desk. His eyes widened greatly and the papers he was holding dropped to the floor the moment he saw my face.

“Nicholls, I believe you remember Jake and Jeff from the lecture this morning. Jeff wanted to go over last week’s material so I told him he can stick around until after this meeting is done.”

“Well,” Dr. Jones stammered. “Okay then. I’ll pull up another chair.” Jake however, put his hand up and sat at the front row. I decided to take the open chair next to Stacy right in front of Mr. Bryner’s desk.

“Alright,” Mr. Bryner said. “Stacey, before we start, I forgot to tell you that I was hoping to keep this extra-curricular project between this room only. Did you tell anybody you were meeting me today?”

Stacey shook her head. “No, but why the secrecy?”

“Well, I don’t really want word of this to spread. This is something that both Mr. Nicholls and myself do not want to disclose to the public yet. Can you promise me you won’t tell anybody?”

“No problem Mr. Bryner. I give you my word.” I believed her. Mr. Bryner also seemed to believe her. However, Dr. Jones was rubbing his forehead. I decided to ease his mind a bit.

“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure the three of us can keep a simple secret.” This seemed to have the opposite effect and he exploded.

“Really? You can keep this a secret? It hasn’t even been a day yet…” His face turned bright red from the fury, so he decided to step outside for a breather.

Mr. Bryner apologized for his behavior. “Normally Mr. Nicholls is much more collected. This is a big deal, for the both of us. We’ve been working on this for a long time now. Anyways, I might as well get this started.”

Mr. Bryner handed both Stacey and Jake a few sheets of paper. Stacey shared her papers with me. The first thing I noticed on that first page was the crude drawing of the moon that covered the upper right hand corner. Below the moon was a cliff and a view of the ocean. At the bottom half of the page, there were pen scratches of a foreign language and other symbols I couldn’t read. Bryner turned on his projector and showed the image of the Pirate that Dr. Jones talked about this morning.

“Do you recognize the picture,” Bryner asked.

I decided to speak up. “Yeah, it’s a picture of that Pirate, the Golden Devil.”

Stacey corrected me. “Technically, it’s a portrait of what most believed the Golden Devil looked like. Nobody knew his identity, so this portrait was made instead.”

“Right. Jeff, remember what you asked Mr. Nicholls today? If he was searching for the treasure? Well, you were correct.”

“I knew it!” Both Jake and I said that simultaneously. The three of us turned to Jake. He looked down at his papers, embarrassed at his outburst.

“Jake, could you pull up a chair and join us,” Bryner asked. “It would be nice if we were all sitting together.”

Jake obediently listened to Mr. bryner’s advice. As Jake was pulling up his seat, Dr. Jones came back, straightening his tie and fixing his suit as he walked inside the door.

“You really are Indiana Jones,” I called out to him. Jake held his hand up like he wanted to say something, but decided to let it go as he put his seat to the other side of Stacy.

“Well, both Bryner and I both believed that this legend wasn’t just a fantasy,” Dr. Jones explained as he sat down in Mr. Bryner’s desk. “For the past few years, the both of us have been searching everywhere for any clue as to where the Golden Devil hid his treasure.”

Mr. Bryner pointed his attention toward the monitor and changed the slide. This picture was a black and white picture of an old piece of paper centuries old. On it held symbols that looked similar to the symbols on the papers he handed out.

“This is a common message the Golden Devil would hand out to his crew and the various merchants he worked with. A paranoid man, he encoded his orders so his plans would only be known by those he trusted. For the past few years, both Mr. Nicholls and myself have been searching for any clippings that held the code of the Golden Devil. What I handed to you was the result of years of research.”

“Seven pages,” Stacey remarked as she flipped through the pages. “Doesn’t give you guys a lot to work with.”

“This isn’t a movie,” Dr. Jones responded. “The clues don’t magically appear and get solved within a few hours. It took a lot of effort to find these.”

“This is why I asked you two for help,” Mr. Bryner explained, pointing to Jake and Stacey. “We were hoping that you could help us decipher the code. Now, if you flip to the last page I gave you, you’ll notice that there has already been some progress on a cipher.” He clicked the slide to show a bunch of symbols next to a list of syllables and foreign words.

“The words written in blue are the ones we’re certain is correct. Red we’re less sure about. We’re hoping you guys could help us expand the cipher and translate these pages.”

“What language did the Golden Devil write in,” Jake asked, his eyes focused on the handouts.

“Portuguese. However, some of the words are of Spanish dialect. I have a dictionary that translates both languages spoken during that time period into Modern English that you can use whenever.” At that point, Mr. Bryner opened his desk drawer and pulled out a binder. “Well, it’s not an official dictionary, but just like the code the two of us have been working to build a key as a base to translate the various pieces of clues we can find.”

“So I get you guys are searching for this treasure, but I still don’t understand why you guys want to keep this a secret,” Stacy asked.

“They probably just don’t want Nazis or Communists to come after them.,” I jokingly explained. “Wait a second. Are there terrorists after you guys? Are we in danger?”

Dr. Jones gave a small chuckle. “No, there’s no bad guys, not that we know of anyways. This treasure is just a legend, and many in the intellectual community might look down at the both of us if they knew we were searching for what many call a fool’s dream.”

“Not to mention you guys don’t want any competition,” I suggested. “Speaking of which, are you guys planning on keeping the treasure, or are you going to donate it?” Dr. Jones turned to Mr. Bryner to answer.

“If,” Mr. Bryner emphasized, “if we find the treasure, we do plan on giving it to a museum of some sort. That’s something we plan to decide down the road.” It seemed odd since they have been searching for the treasure for years. I would spend my entire time thinking about how I would spend my fortune.

“How about these two,” I asked. “Would Jake and Stacey get some of the fame and fortune?”

“We will worry about that when we get there,” Mr. Bryner replied, “but I wouldn’t have asked for your help if I didn’t think you guys couldn’t be very useful to our search.”

“Any chance I could have a cut as a fee for my silence?”

Dr. Jones turned to me, his face returning to a reddish state. “I’m kidding. Lighten up.” He didn’t. I decided that maybe I shouldn’t joke around in case Dr. Jones pops a blood vessel.
“So, do you two have any other questions you want to ask me? There’s no real time limit on this. We could plan meetings whenever you two are free.”

Jake cleared his throat. “I have a couple questions if that’s okay.”

“Sure, Jake. Go ahead.”

“First, did you guys track down the source of these pictures? They might know a bit more about the legend of Double D.”

“That’s pretty nice thinking. Fortunately, we also had the same thought. Unfortunately, a lot of the sources we had were dead ends. You guys know pretty much as much as we do at this point.”

“Shame. I also wanted to ask how did you guys decipher the code then? What makes you certain that your key is correct?”

“The two of us didn’t start the code,” Dr. Jones replied. “Page…5 I think. That has the article with one of Double D’s messages decoded from a journal entry of one of the merchants with a translation as well. From there, the two of us have tried to keep making educated guesses.”

“Like Mr. Nicholls said, it’s been a few years. The progress has been slow but steady. I’m hoping to explain my thought process in cracking the code, and Mr. Nicholls is also happy to help.”
At this point, a thought occurred to me. “How about that book?”

I immediately regretted saying anything. Dr. Jones once again threw a furious gaze in my direction. Even Mr. Bryner turned to me with concern. I decided I wasn’t going to say anything else, but the damage was already done.

“What are you talking about Jeff,” Stacey asked.

“Well…” I began. At this point, Dr. Jones got off his seat and started whispering something to Bryner. “They have a book about this stuff, right? I notice you were scanning these pages from a leather bound book.” I wasn’t certain that those pages came from the book, but their response made me think mentioning that book was a bad idea.

“Well, not exactly,” our teacher explained to us after Dr. Jones took another walk. “Some of those pages were scanned from my journal. I’ve been keeping one that holds all of the research, theories, and dead ends during this journey.”

I wasn’t so sure that was the case since Dr. Jones tried to constrain himself from hitting me. The other two though just take the news in stride. Well, Stacy took Mr. Bryner’s word as gospel and Jake kept an indifference as he kept skimming the handouts.

When Dr. Jones walked back in, Mr. Bryner continued. “What’s important now is that first page. We believe that if we can crack that code, we can begin the first step on our trail to Double D’s treasure.”

Jake asked another question. “So why ask for our help? We’re just two high school kids.”

“Bryner kept telling me how he had some incredibly talented students this year,” Dr. Jones said. “I thought it would be better to have students help then people with full time jobs try to volunteer.”

“So you’re not willing to split equally with the two of them,” I asked.

Another dirty look. I really need to learn to shut it.

“No, I don’t expect an equal four way split,” Dr. Jones replied. “I was hoping that the recognition might have been enough.”

This time Bryner gave a confused gaze at Dr. Jones.

“I’m just telling them the truth.”

“Anyways…,” Bryner started. “I want to thank you two again for helping us out. Like I said, both Nicholls and I will definitely give any advice along the way. I have a good feeling about this, with the four of us. And Jeff. You’re in this as much as Stacey and Jake are. If you want to join you’re welcome too. I’ll even be willing to provide you credit for World History for helping out.”

This does sound tempting, but I knew what I had to say. “Thanks for the offer, but I am too busy to get involved. Though about that silence fee…” I turned to Dr. Jones. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. And I would put money on these two,” pointing my thumb toward Jake and Stacey. “They’re really smart. I’m sure they’ll guide you to the treasure.”

At that point Mr. Bryner started to explain his method for cracking the code. I realized that this meeting wouldn’t be done any time soon and just promised to meet up with Mr. Bryner tomorrow. With that, I left, completely astounded that I knew that my teacher was on a quest for a legendary treasure.

I might even be able to do another chapter before the month is done, but now I really should be focusing on school and my upcoming finals.

[ChesCa]

First the bad:
1. That paragraph about the coach excusing him from a lecture is too long and should be shortened to maybe a couple of sentences. It's a lot of nothing, more or less.
2. You pretty much killed the tension by having the professors be upfront about everything, even after the students guessed things correctly. Not only that, but now they look really naive still wanting to work with people who have hid so much from them. Personally I think you should wait until they're at the point of no return (like when the trip starts) to have this scene. That way the characters will still have incentive to continue but there will still be distrust and mystery. And even then, that's the earliest that I suggest it.

The good:
The plot's moving forward and I do hope that the next chapter is when the adventure begins. I'll have to re-read the first chapter to remember what their true intentions are though.

[Gizmo]

First the bad:
1. That paragraph about the coach excusing him from a lecture is too long and should be shortened to maybe a couple of sentences. It's a lot of nothing, more or less.
2. You pretty much killed the tension by having the professors be upfront about everything, even after the students guessed things correctly. Not only that, but now they look really naive still wanting to work with people who have hid so much from them. Personally I think you should wait until they're at the point of no return (like when the trip starts) to have this scene. That way the characters will still have incentive to continue but there will still be distrust and mystery. And even then, that's the earliest that I suggest it.

The good:
The plot's moving forward and I do hope that the next chapter is when the adventure begins. I'll have to re-read the first chapter to remember what their true intentions are though.

You're right about the tension thing. I decided to change the story and have them not reveal the journal yet, but I wouldn't call them "naive" for agreeing to help out still. Sure they were keeping some secrets, but it's a chance for treasure and they have no idea that the secret to the treasure may or may not involve taking a human life ;).
Plus, I still think it wouldn't have mattered. I'll go into it more very soon, but Jake and Stacey both have their reasons for doing this, and those reasons more or less haven't changed even if they found out that their teacher was lying to them.

I'm going to turn in chapter 2 for the next competition for more feedback, but after the results from the last competition I think I'm going to put the story on hold for a bit, just until I grasp my writing style a bit better. Or maybe I'll finish polishing up the lastest chapter I'm working on before taking a break on this story.

[Kitsune Inferno]

I'm going to turn in chapter 2 for the next competition for more feedback, but after the results from the last competition I think I'm going to put the story on hold for a bit, just until I grasp my writing style a bit better. Or maybe I'll finish polishing up the lastest chapter I'm working on before taking a break on this story.

No! You should keep writing! Despite the flaws and criticisms, don't rewrite Chapter 1 to accomodate that. Apply the feedback to Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 instead! They might come out wonky a bit, sure, but it's significantly easier to rewrite ten chapters than it is to rewrite one! Once you've written a good chunk, then go back and edit them as a whole. It's much more lucrative doing it that way, as you can see a much bigger view of your story. :)