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Thread: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

  1. #201
    Discovered Stowaway piratemarimo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    KENNY SDKFJSJKWEWJEAFOJPE ;__________;

    I have to write something.


  2. #202
    honk honk<-foxes say this Kitsune Inferno's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    SON OF A BITCh

    WHY ARE THERE GHOSTS IN THIS BItCH

    --- Update From New Post Merge ---

    On a less serious note, we're still looking for a third judge for the December monthly.

    Anybody want to read Christmas stories?

  3. #203

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    ... Oh why not. It's 6am and I can't think straight so this seems like a good idea. Sign me up as a judge, Kitty.
    Handsome man save me from the monsters.
    Avatar credits to rcerione

  4. #204
    honk honk<-foxes say this Kitsune Inferno's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Welcome to the dark side. : )

  5. #205
    -COLATECHOCOLATECHOCO- Sai-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Quote Originally Posted by Kitsune Inferno View Post
    SON OF A BITCh

    WHY ARE THERE GHOSTS IN THIS BItCH
    Ghosts?

  6. #206

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Quote Originally Posted by trappedolphin View Post
    Just keep the review you've already written and post it after the deadline. :D
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Kenny View Post
    Yeah, and completely ignore his edits because that won't affect the quality of the piece at all. Whatever you wrote as a review will remain true even after Vixen "edits" it.
    Very Vell.

    Welcome back, Kenny.




  7. #207
    honk honk<-foxes say this Kitsune Inferno's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Disclaimer: Chrome is not copy-pasting correctly, so the formatting will likely be wonky. You have been warned.

    Previously on Big Brother...


    Spoiler:



    After a shocking week of backstabbing and betrayal, Kylor was determined a threat by his fellow housemates.


    Kitsune Inferno: "He's a better writer than any of us. He's the biggest threat to all of us right now."


    After a battle of wits in a fierce HoH competition, Insider2000 came out on top...


    RPGJay: Insider, you are the NEW Head of Household


    ...and stuck with his alliance with Sai-chan and Kitsune...


    Insider2000: I have decided to nominate you, Dryish, RPGJay, and Crossword for eviction this week. You're all talented, but this is a game, and this is all about one winner.


    A fierce Power of Veto competition came neck-and-neck between Crossword and Dryish.


    Insider2000: Congratulations, Dryish, you have won the Power of Veto...


    Dryish came out on top, and an alliance fell apart.


    Kitsune: No, you don't get to talk to me like that!


    Insider2000: You're tearing me apart, Kitsune!


    At the Power of Veto ceremony, the final nail in the alliance coffin came when Dryish took himself off the block.


    Insider2000: In his place, I have to put you, Kitsune. Sorry, bro.


    Insider2000 (Diary Room): Kitsune is volatile. I don't want him in the house anymore. Sai on the other hand, is being kept by my side with chocolate. It was the only option.


    Who will be evicted from the Big Brother house? RPGJay, Crossword, or Kitsune Inferno? And who will win Head of Household? And how will the house react when Uncle Kenny is brought back into the Big Brother house? Find out now on Big Brother!


    ---


    Good evening, everyone, I'm Julie Chen. Kitsune, Crossword, and Jay. One of them will be leaving the Big Brother house very soon.


    But first...


    Spoiler:
    I'm teasing, this isn't an hour long show.
    Spoiler:
    By a vote of 23.5 to 26.5 (Somebody was indesive~) to 27.5 (hey...)...
    Spoiler:
    Crossword, you have been evicted from the house.



    ---


    Reviews:


    Spoiler:
    RPGJay

    Spoiler:
    Overall Score: 23.5 out of 30
    Dryish
    RPGJay - GREASER, Order 3


    Well, well, well, another chapter of GREASER read. What should I say?


    For starters, I'm not too fond of reading manga/comic/whatever-you-want-to-call-it scripts like this, as they usually make for muddy and confusing reads, but you have managed to keep the structure lucid enough. I appreciate that. It makes reading so much easier, and that's exactly what you want. The only thing that could be improved is the distinction between panels. At the moment, it's vague at best, and as a reader, I could not easily tell the panels apart. If you are seriously thinking of drawing or having someone draw GREASER, it is something that needs to be taken care of.


    Another thing that you may want to revise is the amount of humour content per chapter. I know GREASER is supposed to be comical and fun, but at times it feels like you spend too much time trying to make it so. For example, the scene with Bruce where he accidentally closes the suitcase and crushes his fingers felt out-of-place, instantly rendering his character incompetent to my eyes. If it was intentional, good, but if it wasn't, you need to do something about it. Occasional jokes and smart puns make a story fun to read, but you can't cram superfluous amounts of those in eighteen pages without them hurting the overall story. I also have to give you some credit, though. Nicko's "I've taken worse balls to the face" line had me in stitches. Your jokes are fun - just see you don't use them excessively.


    And then there are the fights. I have only good things to say about the portrayal of the action itself. It was vivid, fun and easy to read, and the abilities in all their simplicity are really likeable. I loved Blaze belching up spheres of energy, and the fact that Nicko actually did sustain injuries after being hit by one made me smile. Way too often protagonists just shrug off all the damage and start celebrating right after they're finished with the scrap. There's maybe just a touch too many spoken lines for characters in the midst of a fight, but that's only a trifling matter. My only true complaint is that these moronic kind of villains that get their butts kicked quickly are too generic and too soulless. All characters need depth, or else the reader only wishes to see them disappear. It would be nice to get more familiar with them. Trigun and Rurouni Kenshin were full of insignificant characters like that, and they were the worst two reads of my life. It's not fun, it's only boring. Introduce your characters and the world some more in the future. It'll take time and a lot of space, but at the end of the day, it is worth it.


    Score: 7.5/10


    Insider2000:
    Going in, I was quite confused, but I caught on pretty fast. I really enjoy the lightheartedness of these stories. While massive chaos and trouble is afoot, everyone is acting crazy and weird, and nothing is taken too seriously.


    I’m not sure whether this should be considered a good or a bad thing, but I love the serious tone brought forth by the two cloaked characters that suddenly shatters once it’s revealed how weird the two guys are.


    And I loved the fight scene. It was absolutely ridiculous.


    I’m entirely sure why you have your story set up the way it is, but it does work for your story. If I could suggest anything, I would recommend including more narration. While I am very much driven my dialogue, details on surrounding sights, sounds, and smells would really improve the story.


    Grade: 8.0

    Sai-Chan:
    8/10


    I thought the story was interesting, especially how it was written completely in manga script format. The details were well written; I could actually picture the comic in my head as I was reading. Well done! I'd also like to say that I loved the humor too--it reminded me of Beelzebub or Sket Dan for while the story could be serious it could also be humorous at the same time and it didn't distract from the story too much. There were quite a bit of cliches too; but they weren't bad. They were done nicely and appropriately to fit the story.


    I loved the character's powers and how they're representative of how they cook. The only thing that's keeping me from rating this higher is that, the story and everything was good, but it didn't excite me. Which isn't terrible; I'm generally hard to excite when it comes to action. Either way, I loved reading it Jay!



    Kitsune Inferno


    Spoiler:
    Overall Score: 26.5 out of 30


    Dryish
    KitsuneInferno - Spirit Wolf, Ch. 3


    I am totally unable to get over the fact that "Nukka" actually means lint in Finnish. It makes me chuckle childishly every single time I read Spirit Wolf. And I do not know whether that is a bad thing or a good thing. It might cause me to take the story less seriously than I am supposed to.


    This is a hard chapter to review, as there is not much that needs to be said. The story itself is quite solid, though I have to wonder where you're going to take it after this hassle with the village is over with. The setting doesn't give you much leeway, and it worries me some. I've always liked your style; you use amply description to make the environment feel real and alive, but you don't hesitate to transition into dialogue whenever need be. Also, the dialogue flows fluently most of the time, making it nice and easy to read. The scene in the rainy forest was beautiful. The only slightly perturbing thing I noticed is that you tempt to use a straightforward and succinct style with quite a lot of modern words and expressions. It is not a mistake per se, but it gives off mildly unprofessional vibes that sometimes disturb the reading process.


    Based on the little we've seen of the different characters thus far, I haven't noticed any major flaws about them. I would gladly learn more about Onartok and the little wolf cub. They both piqued my interest. The protagonist is slow, maybe a bit dumb also, but it works just fine. She could have realised what had happened to Siku earlier, though. Throughout the entire chapter, her thoughts were in what had happened to her, and she thought of Siku a several times before the epiphany struck her. It left me feeling a bit dismayed, but it might only be me.


    The only issue I have with this chapter is the transition from the beginning sequence to the dream (?) where the village burnt. It took me a while to realise she was actually dreaming, instead of suddenly being returned to her real body, and I'm still not exactly sure of that. Toying with consciousness is a great way to add a certain mystical aspect to the story, and deliberately confusing the reader is a neat little trick, but it can turn the story befuddling and aversive for the reader really quickly if not handled skillfully. Beware of that.


    Score: 8/10

    Insider2000
    Awesome as always, Kitty.


    Gotta say, I love the folklore feel to the story. It feels like a very subtle approach to already existing folklore, without abusing any stereotypes or clichés. It feels very natural, and I really like the character, Nukka.


    The attention to detail toward the visual surroundings is phenomenal. Everything has such a mystic and lost feel, and I love it. The dialogue and the details mesh perfectly together. There isn’t too much or too little of either one.


    If anything, be careful with the breaks in your dialogue. Try to choose deep analysis for visuals instead of “Miki beamed” or some like that. I mean, you don’t do it frequently, but it has always been a pet peeve of mine and I’m just giving kind of something to look out for. And if anything, just skip over the break and let the dialogue take care of it. Not a huge issue.
    Excellent story.


    Grade: 9.5


    Sai-chan:
    9/10


    I love your description. It's so simple, but it flows so nicely and it's easy to read. You can write so much detail without getting overly complicated or confusing. It's similar to learning the ABCs for the first time and realizing how simple it really is.


    There are a few things that bug me though. During the dream sequences, I think it'd be better for the readers if those particular scenes were in italics or something--so to make the transition between dream and reality more obvious and easier to see. Unless, of course, you were going for confusing the readers.


    I also love how small but obvious your foreshadowing is. Nothing overly dramatic. And nice pun by the way--"Her efforts fruitless." Haha!


    I loved the interaction between Nukka/Tikaani and Miki at the end. And I love how you gave the reader such a well thought out description of what she was going through. Great job, Kitsu!


    Only one or two grammar mistakes, too. (Just forgotten little spaces)



    Crossword


    Spoiler:
    Overall Score: 27.5 out of 30


    Dryish
    Crossword - Stargazer, Ch. 1 & 2


    Perfect. I finally get to put my thoughts about Stargazer to words. I've waited this moment for so long.. Now if only I could think of something to say.. Well, first of all, I must curse your imagination for being similar to mine. I had came up with a moderately interesting plot and a setting quite similar to those of Stargazer a while ago, and I was thinking of starting writing it. But after I found Stargazer, I realised I could not do that because it would not have felt all that unique and interesting anymore. I had to spend months replanning my story (which consequently is much better now, so also thank you)!


    This is another really tough entry to review properly, because there has been so much progression in the plot and in the quality of the writing after these two chapters first came out. Even though they have been tweaked, the core is still the same, and that causes some difficulty.


    What really delights me about Stargazer is the amount of solely descriptive passages there are in the chapters. It really shows the readers that the author has spent time thinking of the setting, forming pictures of the environments inside his head. The dedication makes the text enjoyable to read. And because it's the nature of a human being to ignore words and complete sentences here and there, you always find something new when you read the work again. That alone proves that Stargazer has a great potential. The sentence structures are something you need to work on, though. Sometimes they tend to stretch on and on, and have numerous subordinate clauses. It slows the reader down, and makes reading cumbersome at worst. It is perfectly fine to end a long sentence with a full stop, and to start a new one as well.


    The characters were easy to tell apart, and they also clearly had distinctive and different personalities. That is good - you don't seem to have much issues with creating credible, new characters. Akira's personality is definitely interesting, and you managed to make Gerard's character really likeable. The dialogue between your characters worked quite well too. It was a tad stiff at times, and not always as easy flowing as it could have been, but I'll chalk that up to the characteristics and the difficulty of taking up a new writing process. There is one thing that has been mentioned before, though, and that is the slight detachment for Terry's character in the first chapter. His feelings could have been conveyed to us more indirectly, in the form of gestures, expressions and thoughts.


    The extent of the world-building in the first two chapters is stunning, and I find myself grinning stupidly every time I think of it. Even so, the events of first chapter seem to unravel quite hastily, making the end feel somewhat abrupt and rushed. I understand a hook was needed, and that the story wouldn't really have begun properly without Terry becoming a Stargazer right at the start line, but it still makes me wish you'll explain how and why it happened later on.


    I'm looking forward to seeing how the story continues. You have my full attention.


    Score: 8.5/10


    Insider2000
    For a first chapter, it has excellent build up. Honestly, I didn’t really see the supernatural portion of the story riding in. Often times, I’d be bothered by the cliché of a thug bothering a couple guys, but I actually enjoyed how it was handled in this story.


    However, I have to point out your dialogue, because it’s my favorite part of the story. Terry and Akira bounce off each other so well. The dialogue just flowed so nicely and felt so real. You really know how to build a character and their dialogue without driving their dialogue by the plot. The slow build up towards Akira asking for directions worked so well.


    If I have any complaints, I’d have to point out that you need to watch out for grammar sometimes. You have a few run-on sentences. For instance:


    There was a brightly-lit food court stationed right outside the central waiting area, but he had already eaten a meal on the train and he only had roughly eighty-five yura left in his wallet, which he might very well need to spend on something more important by the night’s end.

    The usage of ‘But’ and ‘And’ and their multiple subjects make it a run-on sentence, unless you decide to remove the second ‘he’ in the statement.


    There was a brightly-lit food court stationed right outside the central waiting area, but he had already eaten a meal on the train and only had roughly eighty-five yura left in his wallet, which he might very well need to spend on something more important by the night’s end.

    You didn’t do it too often, but I can tell that you are kind of like me and enjoy writing out your details in long, complex sentences. Either take note of possible run-on sentences, or try to make shorter sentences at different times.


    Otherwise, excellent story!


    Grade: 9.0


    Sai-chan:
    10/10


    Details, details, details! So many wonderfully written details! You're so good at making these long explanations filled with details seem less complicated than they are. And the way you present the details you can totally tell that this is from the perspective of a teenage boy.


    I'm loving the characters--Terry is very down to earth and Akira is, not an average teenage boy, but close. It's clear that these two click well together. The idea of the super-powered humans is kinda cliche; but it's done in a way that doesn't seem over-the-top, which is a nice change. It's just sort of like: "Hey, you know, Stargazers," "Yeah dude, scary stuff," "totally." Which is how two teenage boys would act (at least, from my experience).


    I'm loving Terry. It's just kinda that kid who's nice but will threaten or fight if need be. Though, again, the plot of him being a Stargazer is slightly cliche, but it was well done and believable. Although, the fight sequence seemed a bit too short and... I don't want to say worthless--effortless? for Terry's powers to have suddenly activated in such a manner. But still, simple is good.


    --


    Interesting descriptions of the officers. It's very easy to tell what kind of people they are simply from the description alone. I really like Gerald. He's kind and grounded, and rather interesting to me for some reason. Perhaps it's just the way you write his character.


    Year 2631? Is this in the future or just an alternate world?


    I like that the Stargazers are categorized by constellations and elements. I love how you write characters interacting. It seems to flow so naturally, as if these were real people in a real conversation.


    I like how Terry didn't 'choose' to become a superhero himself, but he was offered the choice. While he does have to keep this secret, he'll have an agency of which he can call for help when some of his exploits get him into more trouble than he can handle instead of being the selfless hero who works alone.


    Nice build up to the end~ it was subtle, but expected. It really makes me want to read the next chapter--which I probably will do later. Keep up the good work Crossword!






    ---


    That about settles it. Do note that I did offer Sai the opportunity to change her scores, so don't hurt her! Thank her instead! Dryish too. Insider... eh, why not? And thank you, writers and readers for supporting all of us! This would not be possible without you!

    --- Update From New Post Merge ---

    ***

    HATE YOU POST MERGE

    I just found a major mistake of mine that I failed to note while perusing the Bi-Weekly thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cuddles the Dark
    I'll respond in a second, but first I would like to withdraw from the next monthly and judge for that instead, unless no one else aside from Jay enters. Instead, I would like my latest chapter to be submitted for the November contest.
    I am SO sorry for missing this! :<

    If you would like, I will automatically enter you into the December contest. This was a horrible oversight on my part though.

  8. #208

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Hooray!! Congrats, Crossword! And thanks judges :) That was fun to read.

    Does Cuddles want to judge for the December monthly, then? If he does I'll pull out, no problem :)
    Handsome man save me from the monsters.
    Avatar credits to rcerione

  9. #209

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Late Reply:
    I was planning to do Bound Book of Sloth but I failed to update it. This time I'm just doing a Christmas story. I forgot I even planned to enter. XD
    Anyway, good work to all the participants and a big congrats to Crossword. I should read the revised chapters sometime.

  10. #210
    Carcharodon Piledriver! Crossword's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Well, that was a pleasant surprise to wake up to. Now that I'm awake, washed, clothed, and fed I can respond to some of the points raised in the reviews.

    Spoiler:
    The long, cumbersome sentences: Yes, that is a recognized weakness of mine, and it's so bad that it even leaks into my essays for school. It's like when I'm writing I go a little overboard and let the sentence get out of hand. A lot of the time short stops look too truncated to me, so I go on to make the sentence look more substantial and before I know it I've got a single sentence the size of a paragraph. It's a bad habit that I need to do my best to break.

    Plot opening concerns: yeah, I'm well aware that this set up is nothing new (in fact, when initially writing the first chapter I couldn't help but think to myself ''Persona 3, much?'' I always get a little nervous when I employ plot elements that have traditionally been long-standing cliches, because I'm afraid that it makes me look unimaginative and the story predictable. With this story in particular, it takes a while for the real conflict to start unfolding, so I was worrying a little that the first chapters wouldn't be enough to hold one's attention.

    World building: easily my favorite part of the writing process. I've loved science fiction and its myriad of fantastical universes ever since I was a kid, so I had a lot of fun with this aspect of the story. It's very rewarding to see your own world take shape, and the characters come to life. I like having scenes where their different personalities simply bounce off of each other and not have their dialogue and interactions dominated exclusively by the plot. By far the hardest parts for me to write are passages where there is no dialogue. In the current chapter I'm writing, 12, there's a stretch where Terry is separated from the others without anyone to really talk to, and it's proving to be tricky for me to write. I guess that's whyI fall back on those long descriptive passages; to compensate for the absence of dialogue.

    Year 2631? Is this in the future or just an alternate world?
    Completely different universe, which I try to clarify later on by showing that their solar system only has five planets. In my revised draft of chapter 1 I put a little more emphasis on their unit of money, yura, and Heion (which, if not made clear in those two chapters, is the moon, and it's habitable) earlier on to show that while the people live much like we do, and everything may feel familiar to the reader (well, minus the superhumans, of course), the setting is still something completely different from Earth.


    So, I'm glad to hear that the setting's well-liked. I have big plans for this world and it's characters; don't know if I'm going to get that far, but reading this feedback makes me want to try as hard as I can to live up your expectations.

    ---

    In short, I'm both honored and a little flattered by your praise, I'd like to congratulate my competitors on their efforts, and thank the judges and organizers for the time and effort that you've put in to this contest. Thank you, everyone.
    ~Stargazer~, an original story.
    3DS Friend Code: 2234-8294-8917

  11. #211
    this is my design LaCaSiNa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Congratulations Crossword~!

    Hmmmmm, I did get an idea for a Christmas story, but I'm still not sure if it's worth submitting since the focus isn't ON Christmas even though it is related to the festivities. Oh well, if I finish it in time it can't hurt to be reviewed for something else than horror for a change.

  12. #212

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    I want storiesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

    *grabbyhands*
    Handsome man save me from the monsters.
    Avatar credits to rcerione

  13. #213
    Pump-Action Pumpkin Jazzy Jinx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    I'm planning on making the Thriller Blend Christmas Special entirely in "Twas the Night Before Christmas" rhyme style. You don't all have to like it or anything, but I do expect appreciation. Rhyming is a WHORE.

    ---

    RELEVANT NEWS

    So I talked to Kitsune recently about the scoring system and we (well... I) decided that it's shit. "What's all this number shit? Everyone has their own opinions on how to rank shit. The judges vote on a winner so what does it even matter?" Blah, blah, blah. That kind of thing. Basically, I want to do away with points and just have straight-up reviews. The scoring will henceforth be something like: poor, fair, good, great and excellent. We may or may not average (two fairs and a good make an average of fair).

    This be the proposition, anyway. Personally, I think it would make the scoring cleaner, easier and more efficient. But it's all up to you on what you guys want. Also, to be honest, I would petition for more in-depth reviews but I'ma go ahead and withhold on that since asking the judges to do stuff for us is already pretty taxing. My ideal is that one day, people will fight to the death to get our reviews. And then perhaps actually kill each other.

    That day would be beautiful.~

  14. #214
    honk honk<-foxes say this Kitsune Inferno's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    No .
    Last edited by Kitsune Inferno; December 22nd, 2011 at 12:12 AM. Reason: *shot* Okay fine, in all seriousness, I agree with Kenny, but I'd say it's up to you guys!

  15. #215

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    The new scoring system doesn't sound too bad to me. Words are a lot less subjective than numbers.

    Well....here.
    Take what you can.
    http://www.apforums.net/showthread.php?t=34543&p=2474413#post2474413

  16. #216

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    That's such a cute title. XD
    Handsome man save me from the monsters.
    Avatar credits to rcerione

  17. #217

    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Quote Originally Posted by trappedolphin View Post
    That's such a cute title. XD
    I'd give it a 7/10.
    Death comes for us all. We can only chose how to face it when it comes. - Aviendha

  18. #218
    Discovered Stowaway piratemarimo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    good news everyone! I have an intro to fiction writing and a modern fiction class next semester. That means I'll actually be forced to write now. (god I'm so pathetic). We'll see about a Christmas story. Don't know if I can do it... but without classes I have no excuses...


  19. #219
    Pump-Action Pumpkin Jazzy Jinx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Oh? That's great, marimo.~

    If you ever need our assistance with a review then feel free to utilize us.

  20. #220
    Discovered Stowaway piratemarimo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

    Thanks Kenny~ I'll keep it in mind. I have high hopes for this course since it's college. My high school "creative writing" class was horrible since there was hardly any actual story writing involved. Then they're all like "oh and you can't write about violence, drugs, death, or romance of any kind"

    Me:


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