Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

[trappedolphin]

You know, I was thinking about allowing Kitsune to punish you but you're starting to change my mind.~

[Uncle Kenny]

Blah, blah, blah. Stuff about reviews. Blah, blah, blah. Here's the January monthly's winner:

Spoiler:

Looks like trapped and mette...

Spoiler:

...are going to be punished.~

Spoiler:

KITSUNE INFERNO!

It's going to be fun.~

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And now for the reviews:

Spoiler:

Cuddles the Dark

Spoiler:

piratemarimo

Yukino – Cuddles

You’ve got a wonderful story, Cuddles. That scene where Yukino runs onto the tracks really got to me. I nearly had a heart attack, damn you. The drama was high and made me feel like I was experiencing those moments with her mom, too. I’ve made an instant connection with Yukino. She’s mischievous and reckless, but the reason for it is unknown. The scene with Dr. Issei was good in that it gives the reader a nice succinct description of her past without revealing too much. Just who is this Faiba?! (No really, I'm genuinely curious. I hope this will be revealed eventually.) That was the point where my feelings went from interest to empathy for Yukino. I love the tension in this story. What will become of Yukino? Will Dr. Issei make an important breakthrough, or revelation? Then there’s this ShikaPlus. What will become of this? For some reason it reminded me of that dream device from Paprika. It could be something beneficial but has the potential to go wrong. That’s how I see it from what little I know.

A couple things I noticed: “It had been thirty-six hours since she last slept and the rocking motion of staying steady under the train handle made the inside of her head swim,” should have a comma because you have two independent clauses. The phrase “other days he just wanted to force the helmet on them himself and make them to become better people,” should eliminate the word “to.” There were several similar comma errors. I think you just need to do a little editing. Also, at the beginning, the phrase “She gripped her hand,” is unclear, so change “her” to “Yukino.” Anyway, it’s a captivating story. I’m really rooting for Yukino here. Nice work.

Rating: Great

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LaCaSiNa

Cuddles in the Dark: Yukino
Alright, my first review! I haven't read any of the other reviews you've gotten, so please excuse me if I repeat critique other people have already given you. I'll try my best to be both encouraging and constructive. :)


First off, and this is separate from the actual review, I have to mention a couple of things concerning the previous chapters of Yukino. I had a lot to read beforehand in order to understand what was going on and at first I was intimated by it, but I was pleasantly surprised to realize that the task ahead would not be arduous at all. You have managed to create a main character that made me ask: ”What is going to happen to her?” That is extremely important and goes to show that you can write a story that has a hook. I have to admit though that I'm a little biased, because I love psychological stories and especially ones concerning mental illnesses. Yukino has just the right amount of creepy in her with the way she sees people. (the ”wrong” type of creepy would be Dr Issei's unwinding method, but that's just a matter of personal taste and only a mild complaint) I also appreciate the fact that you knew the meet-and-talk-to-a-psychiatrist routine needed something to shake up the format in order to avoid repetition and dullness. And with that I'll move on to the latest chapter.


I know it's only the first chapter after the time-skip, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. The idea of it makes sense, but it's more the presentation that bothers me. First off, I find the part in the beginning at the monorail station confusing. Some of the sentences have awkward wording and could be formed differently in order to make the events more clear. (This could be due to me not being a native English-speaker, though.) Thankfully the paragraph takes a sudden turn when Yukino jumps onto the tracks – you surprised me with that. At first I actually thought she was suicidal, but as I read on I was glad to notice it wasn't just some random thing, which would've been weird.


One thing that does seem random however is Yukino's cursing. It just strikes me as ill-fitting and disrupts the flow of the text. I wouldn't exactly say it's against her nature, seeing as she's clearly changed with age. I'm sure you'll figure out how to make it seem more natural, but yeah, it needs some work.


Hey, Dr Issei is back! And thus Yukino returns to his office. This is my favourite part in this chapter, probably because that's what I got used to while reading the previous chapters. I also feel like you usually handle these sessions very well, mixing dialogue, observation and thinking in a way that is easy to follow and allows access to both patient and psychiatrist. The set-up is both old and new: the situation is familiar, but a significant amount of time has passed and things have changed. It's interesting and I wish it would've been longer, but having the reader crave for more makes your next chapter all the more desirable! The very last sentence doesn't make sense to me, but it might just be an expression I'm not familiar with. The sentence before it would've made a better cliffhanger in my opinion, but that's the ending-chapters-with-mysterious-dialogue-lover in me :P


On the whole this chapter is conflicting due to the last part being on a different level quality-wise from the rest. I don't think the beginning is bad; I just slightly dislike it. I guess I want to say it didn't bother me too much! All in all you managed to make me want to read the next chapter already and as I've said before, keeping your readers' interest up is highly important. Cuz when you lose interest, you lose your audience. :)


Overall rating: Good

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Uncle Kenny

Yukino (Summer) - Cuddles the Dark

I'm not going to lie, Cuddles, since I'm so busy these days I just read this installment itself and didn't catch up with previous chapters. Hopefully that doesn't affect my persepctive on your writing but if it does, I apologize.

The first sentence should be "swayed" not "swung".

Alright so, I read everything and it doesn't look like I'm going to need to know anything from the previous installments in order to review this one. That's good. I would say your major problem right now is that in some instances, the description got too informal. While it's not a bad thing to get a little informal, it got pretty damn informal. Notice how that damn changes things?

As well, you should space more. Besides making the format look better, it's also an adequate way to separate ideas. I'm going to keep saying this to you until you do it. If I didn't find it to be a problem, I'd leave it alone. It's true that it's minor but it's still an issue.

Other than that, besides the informality sometimes, the descriptions were solid and the dialogue was great as usual. The story is still interesting and it's still maintaining the atmosphere that I love. That's a great sign of consistency; I appreciate that in writers. I have to say, I'm very interested in catching up again and reading the next chapter.

I don't really have any comments that haven't already been said by me or others before so good job. Keep up the good work.~

Score: Great

gotta<3OP

Spoiler:

piratemarimo

Orphaned Magic – gotta<3OP

This a rather unusual story format, but for the most part it stays consistent. I think that you certainly have an interesting premise, though the setting is a little bit confusing. Is this meant to be a modern magic story? Perhaps it’s because you mention a place called Muk’i, which has a mythical, ancient sort of feel to the name, I got confused. I visualized it as some kind of desert. It separates itself from a typical magical story (and Harry Potter) by way of these dangerous missions that the headmaster mentions. My first thought was “Are you seriously sending the least-experienced kids off on dangerous missions to violent (and potentially war-torn?) countries for three months just to teach this kid a lesson?” Nonetheless, this was the point in the story where you managed to get my attention. Then there’s the fact that his dad approves of this, too. Just how competent is Edward? It’ll be interesting to see how he handles the mission.

On the one hand, the headmaster is making cracks at his inexperience, and has the sense to send others with him. Yet I feel like he’s got to have some kind of belief that Edward can handle this. From what it sounds like, Edward is merely truant, not stupid or incompetent. If headmaster knows they’re going to die, that makes the situation more mysterious because this is a very important mission. I think Edward has got some hidden talent here. One clarifying question I have is that in the beginning of the story, there’s a “black haired guy” who stands out, but the main character Edward is described as blond. So who is the other guy? Or is this a typo?

Johnny reminds me of Simon from DRRR! He’s one of those instant favorite characters who one always wants to see in the story. His role in the story should be interesting. My main criticism is the technical issues. There is some redundancy in your wording, the verb tense makes it a bit hard to follow, and there are a good number of spelling errors. It hinders the flow of the story. All that aside, I feel that this story has potential. It’s not boring by any means, it’s just choppy. Keep working at it.

Rating: Fair

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LaCaSiNa

gotta<3OP: Orphaned Magic

Hello to you too and welcome to the monthly competition~ Let's do this!


Seeing as this competition is meant to both share your stories and further improve from getting feedback, I'm going to be completely honest with you. The first word that popped in to my mind when I read your fantasy story was ”generic”. I'm not saying this actually happened, but to me it feels like you've read the Harry Potter-series, borrowed some elements from it and then decided to do a tweak of your own. Schools for magic, defense and magic affairs, three first year students on a mission... Taking influences from previously published literature isn't a bad thing, but if the product of your inspiration has little to no originality to it then you're in danger of looking like a bad copycat. Again, I have no idea what you've read and whether or not you came up with this completely on your own, but take this advice: read, read and READ a whole lot more. Explore into different genres and carefully study how authors create worlds and characters.


Speaking of characters, you barely give any insight to your main character, Edward. Okay, so he's a party animal and has good grades, but then what? What is his personality? We don't even know what Edward looks like, only that he's a young man. From the dialogue I can conclude obscure traces of rebellion and youthful defiance, but you need to either elaborate on those traits or add something more. One point in your favour is the fact that Edward acts nicely towards at least one character and wants to protect him, which is one step towards being likeable.


I suppose you've tried to go for the ”modern world of magic” approach with computers, metro lines and night clubs thrown into the mix. The basic premise in itself is interesting and it could work, but it needs to be polished. Just mentioning normal modern-day stuff here and there doesn't yet make your world complete. The possibilities for mixing the new and traditional are endless! A good example of combining those two(in my opinion) is the Artemis Fowl-series by Eoin Colfer. If you haven't read it, then I strongly suggest you do. :)


Lastly I'm going to comment on structure. I don't know you so I have no idea if you're a native English-speaker, but I'm going to guess that you aren't. There are several grammar mistakes and problems in building sentences that disrupt the reading experience. I know it's not completely fair to point this out if you're still learning English, but it's crucial to improve your language skills if you want your target audience to understand your story. I'm not a native speaker and thus my writing also has weird phrasing and grammar mistakes every now and then, but I constantly strive to learn. Make sure that your past/present tenses are correct and carefully construct sentences in order to create a flow. A story that's like a rolling dice – roll, roll, roll, thunk – is awful to read, but a dice that refuses to roll at all is even worse.


Sooo yeah, I strongly advice that you devote a considerable amount of time to research and exploration if you wish to continue writing. There is an inkling of potential in your setting, so I'm not going to give you the bottom rating for the first chapter... but there is a serious need of development here.


Overall rating: Fair

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Uncle Kenny

Orphaned Magic - by gotta<3OP

Hmm... I understand there's a language barrier here so I want to cut you some slack but the truth is, even with ignoring grammar and some potential language-specific phrasing, I still found a lot of faults in your entry. A few things off the bat, you should ditch your current formatting for a more conventional one. Stick with quotations and abandon any unecessary bolding or itallics.

When following dialogue with expressions, you should avoid name dropping and in some cases, avoid using dialogue tags altogether, just leaving the descriptions of the expressions themselves behind. (Example: "There's no reason for it," a concerned look apparent on his face.) It'll make the writing a lot smoother overall and it won't take the reader out of the moment as much.

Also, try to avoid excessive adverbs and adjectives. Be careful when using imagery and make sure people won't double-take when they read it. It's fine to be creative but if you get a little too wacky with the imagery, your readers are going to lose their immersion. (I'm talking about the satellite imagery in particular).

Incidentally, there was very little immersion for me when I read through it and next to no smooth transitions from scene to scene that I could see. Make sure you always ease your way into the next scene, don't just adruptly switch perspectives. The dialogue was also stiff and mechanic, and only some of it felt natural. Avoid cliches and make sure that's what said is what at least you would say or hear in real life.

I do see potential in this story, you're not a terrible writer by any means and I do understand that the language barrier is an issue, but you could benefit from reading what you write out loud. Go for a natural flow and try to capture that. If you have to, write a little less next time and see how well you can maintain the stream of consciousness.

Good luck.

Score: Fair

Kitsune Inferno

Spoiler:

piratemarimo

Concerto Di Ali, Prologue – Kitsune Inferno


Mother of god, Kitsune. This was fantastic. It was a heartwarming read. I loved how you personified the stage. The story flowed smoothly, and I don’t think I noticed any technical errors (at least not obvious ones). You painted some very nice, vivid imagery without too much excess. Not that having a Tolkien-esque need to describe every bloody tree is necessarily bad, but I feel like your concise writing tells me so much about the characters even though I have not yet read any Concerto Di Ali prior to this.


The way you describe each character is really charming. Each character comes alive not through dialogue alone but by their body language and the small details, which gives me a sense of familiarity and which has made me fall in love with these characters. Such phrases as “The fifteen-year old child had blossomed into a well-mannered and sweet young woman. Her brown hair was messy and tousled,” “From his shaggy brown hair to his pleasantly-defined face,” “Through you, I can feel his presence, his rugged embrace. I smell his cologne, hear his rhythmic breath, his soothing voice,” all make these characters seem more real, like people I care and want to know more about.


Rating: Excellent

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LaCaSiNa

Kitsune: Concerto di ali
Yay, I was looking forward to this! Let's see if you have promise :)


Ah, more fantasy for me to feast on. As a lover of fantasy-themed stories I might be slightly biased , but believe me when I say this: by the time I had finished this chapter I was in awe. There's no doubt of your knack for this kind of thing as the story is both well-constructed, imaginative and heartfelt. I get the feeling that you have love for your creation and as a result every sentence has been crafted with care. I also love your style of writing; quaint and descriptive without being overly fantastical. And you know what that achieves? Immersion. I feel like I'm in the story, like I'm with these characters. And that is not something that is easy to obtain.


What about the characters? Well, the main focus of this chapter is obviously Lorya Fox(clever surname there, pal), a retired songstress on the eve of her last performance. Both memories of the past and the uncertainty of death haunt her, but you manage to bring a certain strength into her, especially at the end. I have no idea whether or not she'll appear again in your story, but even if she doesn't I feel like I've gotten to know her. The exposition with which you introduce Lorya to the reader is composed, but when the chapter was over I had formed a picture in my mind that was complete. In other words I think she's an awesome character who goes great together with her grandchild Lily. I've had it up to HERE with moody fantasy teenagers, but Lily is fortunately no such thing. I love the dialogue between her and Lorya and overall I think their relationship is presented with wit and warmth.


The setting is obviously within the same world as the first chapter and I admire your creative efforts. I especially like how you come up with names such as Brunhjart, which immediately resonated with me due to the simple Scandinavian feel. (I hate names like Miyanqwar'n Desxlotept The Elven Ruler of The Hazsuswandh'krrgt Kingdom Of Snobby Asshats. Along with moody teenagers, of course.) I would warn you against dropping fancy names for people/locations/religions one after the other in rapid succession though, because it might seem slightly pretentious. Not that you had done something as extreme as that, but take it as a heads up. :)


For a while you had me confused as to how all this, despite the good quality, ties to the first chapter. Then I arrive at the ending, which is my favourite part. The idea of connecting the events with a stage performance that sings of the people who fought the battle is wonderful. Not the most original, but it's all in the presentation. I love how you interlace verses of the song with the actions of the orchestra. The song itself, or the small amount we hear(hear-read?) of it, may not be the most spectacular, but I think the simplicity works. It's more about the references to the tragedy of war than glorious metaphors, after all.


It's become quite clear already, but I repeat that I was quite impressed by your work. I give you an Excellent score since yours was the story I enjoyed reading the most. :)


Overall rating: Excellent

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Uncle Kenny

Concerto di Ali - by Kitsune Inferno

First of all... Aleksandrose D. Fox.? >_>

You're so silly, Kitsune. Also, it's "speil" not "spell". And I'm pretty sure this went over 40,000 characters. If I check it out later and it did go over 40,000, I'm going to hurt you. That aside, the only major concern I have is a lack of description for the setting. Most of it is implied, I understand, but since this seems like a fantastical world then you have to show us whether or not the things we consider normal are fantastical themselves, or not.

Otherwise, this was truly excellent. You've improved so splendidly, Kitsune, I actually think I need to step it up a notch just to compete with you. The descriptions, emotion, and story are all so wonderful and all so wonderfully told. There's intrigue, there's empathy, there's immersion. Very well done. Like I said before, the only thing lacking is setting description and it might have gone over 40,000 characters (which isn't even a writing problem, just a rule problem).

I look forward to more.~

Score: Excellent

RPGJay

Spoiler:

piratemarimo

Greaser Order # 4 – RPGJay

I shall now proceed to review this aptly-themed story in a sort of imitation of Gordon Ramsay (blame/thank Kitsune). I journeyed to the location of the next story restaurant in the competition. The previous story restaurant, Concerto Di Ali had been formidable. It was time to find out if the next restaurant could match up to my expectations. The story restaurant in question was called Greaser, run by writer chef RPGJay “The Rose” who had been in the business for quite some time in [insert location here].

Well, here we are. I am standing outside the “Greaser.” Greaser…Don’t sound like the greatest name for a restaurant, but I have heard worse. I can only hope that the writing food itself does not take after the name of this place. There’s nothing worse than a greasy shepherd’s pie. Let’s go inside and meet the chef. My first impression of this restaurant? The moment I stepped through the doors, it became apparent that the décor of the restaurant was different than the previous two contenders. It was arranged like something you’d see out of a comic book. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that just yet.

Immediately, I found myself amidst quite the fiery environment. I had no clue what was really happening with the story food, but it caught my eye for its unique style. The food is presented to me as something with intense energy and a sense of urgency to it that piqued my interest enough to want to find out more about what was going on. How the **** do these people get their power? Beams and fire? It paints imagery in my head in a distinct manner but in a way that I had never seen done before except in one of legendary Chef Kenny’s restaurants.

However, one downside is that the action loses some spice by being more sort of told to me rather than by using rich details for the setting presentation and flavor of the dish. It’s more left to one’s own imagination, and it’s more difficult to convey the same level of emotion as you might expect in a more traditional type of story food. As a result I felt a bit detached from the action, and I don’t really know what reason I have to care. Since there’s no context for me, I don’t know why I’m supposed to be rooting for Harris, I just know that he’s there and there’s a conflict. Although it is more straightforward, I think that it has an interesting premise with lots of potential to become amazing. It’s also got a funny sense of humor taste with the reveal of another character ingredient called Nicko, which complements Harris nicely. I got a laugh out of the ending, and it adds a bit more depth to Harris, who is initially just something with odd powers. While the details are not as rich as they could be, it’s got a nice, simple flavor. The mystery behind the HP Sauce and fighting style of this restaurant has got me interested in seeing more chapters the kitchen.

Gordon Ramsay Rating (on a scale from SHUT IT DOWN, YOU’LL KILL SOMEONE to Absolutely Beautiful:

Good

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LaCaSiNa

RPGJay: GREASER

Before I begin the review I will address the obvious: the form of your story. Yes, I understand that this was intended to be a comic, but I see no reason why you couldn't expand this into literary form. Granted, the subject matter suits comics better than books, but with a little tweaking I honestly think you could pull it off. I'm rambling about this because I have a problem with your presentation, but it wouldn't be fair of me to hold on to a personal issue. Your work has been accepted as a contender and thus I will focus on the stuff that matters: story, flow, characters and personality. :)


So, the fourth chapter picks up on the fight at the entrance and focuses on Harris VS Bayley. Fight scenes can easily become confusing and hard to follow in this format, but I appreciate your ability to navigate a battle clearly. The damage Harris takes from Bayley's beams is truly cringeworthy and adds tension into the scene, even though it's obvious to the reader that Harris will ultimately win(or at least for me it was). I'm glad you didn't go down the ONE HIT KO'ed route, because that would've just been too easy.


As a shonen reader I guess I'm used to assuming that when an attack isn't working, the character just makes it bigger and flashier and all of a sudden it's effective again. Harris doesn't do this however and opts for a flip attack instead. I liked this idea: it makes sense to remove the enemy from a situation where he has the upper hand to somewhere less convenient. And, needless to say, there isn't much you can do when falling down from high up in the air! Also the whole pillar-of-fire-thing is cool and would make for some snappy visuals~ I'm assuming this will happen eventually, but I do wish that you'd exaggarate the protagonists' attacks a bit and just make them more unique. Playing off their cooking strengths is clever, but hopefully as the series progresses and the characters get stronger they also develop their crazy skills!


The aftermath is okay with the funny banter between Nicko and Harris, but adding Murray Not-The-New-Guy into it saves it from being cookie-cutter. I thought the RPG-joke with the HP Sauce is brilliant, even though I've seen it done before on Toriko. Having your own twist on the senzu bean type of healing thing is expected, but handled well. Again I would've loved it even more had it been some strange stuff with an odd flavour that people normally wouldn't eat, but that's just me and my exaggerations :P The chapter also ends here and the last bit of thought dialogue by Murray is good, but I wish you would've showed us a little teaser or what was going on somewhere else and made that into an ending. Granted, having the whole chapter in the same space is cohesive, but this feels slightly lacking.


Transition chapters aren't easy, but all in all I think you did a good job. Harris' final attack and the comical healing sauce takes it up a notch and thus I give you a solid Good! Keep it up and I look forward to the next chapter!


Overall rating: Good

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GREASER - by RPGJay

I feel bad because I'm about to heavily criticize your story so please, don't take it personally.

First of all, even though it wasn't submitted for this monthly, I read through the first three chapters. I strongly suggest describing the main cast's physical appearence so we can have a solid image in mind when we're reading. On top of that, the story (and this chapter) lacks a good deal of description all around.

As one of the other judges said, being in script form isn't an excuse to not write as clearly and vividly as you can. Since this story already isn't in its intended format, you need to alter it for us so we can understand what's going on. That means adding description even if it won't be there in the final product. You should already know how you intend for your story to be read in comic form, but we don't.

In addition, there's a lot of cliches, stiff description and the characters themselves are pretty clear cut and dry. The latter two are what really kills the immersion. Again, you're writing as if this is a frame for a comic and not as if it's a script meant to be read by an audience. It's essential to keep your audience in mind. And the characters are archetypes to a tee. Just as well, cliches are fine to poke fun at but you can't build a story off of them, even jokingly. There needs to be more to it.

It almost seems as though you rushed through the story and didn't consider your audience at all. This would be your major problem. Make sure that from now on, you keep your audience in mind at all times. Don't write for completion's sake, write to tell a story as clearly as you can and to entertain.

On the plus side, this story does have a lot of potential and it's certainly not a lost cause, by any means. If anything, I really do just think you should consider your audience more. Certain jokes are hit and miss but the ones that do hit are pretty great. And it's a good thing that the story doesn't insist upon itself. It never takes itself too seriously and that's a plus.

Overall, great amount of potential, just put some more work into it.

Score: Good

Gigglepuffy Holy Hell The Beast

Spoiler:

piratemarimo

B and A – The Beast

Well, this was certainly an interesting first read. It has a kind of quality that makes it seem almost surreal, or dreamlike. B has just woken up, and the tone of the story really seems to reflect that. I like your use of metaphors that grabbed my attention immediately. “the atmosphere was a sludge that melted back into place after every sharp note puckered at it uselessly.” I think that the subtlety of the characters, and of the setting, is nicely done; the hints here and there make me want to continue reading in order to find out more about these characters’ relationships and how B came to be where he is. Not much really happens, but B’s psychological thought processes are curious indeed. One thing that you can improve upon is sentence structure. An example, “and suddenly my god everything was coming back to me how long was I asleep, or rather more importantly, very much more importantly, because hold on a second.” It was kind of hard to understand what you were trying to say, though it does add to the "disoriented" sort of feeling one gets from reading it (though maybe that’s just me). Aside from a couple minor technical errors, you did a good job overall.

Rating: Great

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LaCaSiNa

Holy The Beast: B and A

Hello and welcome to the monthly competition! Please forgive me if I don't have much to say, seeing as your first entry is quite short.


I was immediately intrigued when I saw your submission and for the most part my interest was rewarded. Your style becomes clear in the first paragraph and I like how it's a mixture of simplicity and originality. I also find your choice of writing in first person very fitting; I believe it wouldn't work as well had it been from a third person view. Apparently you didn't edit much, but... I don't know if I would've noticed if you hadn't mentioned it, actually. Sure, there are some slightly confusing parts here and there, but I think it's appropriate taking into consideration the main character's situation: he has just woken up. Everything is a bit of a blur, disconnected, in a haze. So from that perspective I don't mind the non-editing. :)


I also really like your solutions when it comes to invigorating a straightforward narrative. The metaphors are peculiar without being too outlandish and I'm a fan of repeating words. At first I thought that was my favourite thing about your story, but then I realized I appreciated the pacing even more. It seems you have a natural talent for this and as a result I find this to be quite cinematic, in that I can see your words and sentences as moving pictures.


The latter part where B has a discussion with his twin is great, because it gives the reader hints of their relationship. Longing, numbness, repression. It's complicated, as the saying goes. I also like how the ending ties into the second paragraph and makes it all cohesive.


As for criticism, I can't really come up with anything substantial. I just like the quality of it a lot, where it could exist as a short story or continue in a direction that I can't possibly predict. You have truly grabbed my attention and I hope you enter in the competition in the future as well. If even without editing you can produce something like this then you are force to be reckoned with!


Overall rating: Great

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Uncle Kenny

B and A - by Holy Hell

Hmm... I'm torn on this one. Truth be told, your writing is excellent. Clarity, description, flow and presentation are all quite above average. What I like in particular is how natural and layered everything is, just as real life would be. The surface and actions speak loud and clear and yet there's still this subtle undertone carried underneath all of it, an unconscious (and perhaps as well, conscious) story told silently. You really capture the humand mind well. That's what makes this worth reading.

Naturally, the story B tells is bound to be unique (I have a few ideas of where it's going, myself) but I still have to praise the tone overall because it truly is impressive. Though at this point, even though the story met the minimum character requirement, it's still much too little to establish a solid evaluation of your writing and style. Like for instance, the imagery and descriptions were all great but the first paragraph particularly was pretty shaky. I feel as if your attention while writing the story grew more over time rather than being focused from the very start.

It's a dead give-away that it was written on the spur of the moment. And though a lot of us generate our best ideas impulsively, this excerpt could benefit from a second draft. The problems featured are honestly minor at best but significant enough that I can't award an "excellent". Namely, the length is the major concern (and even that is minor). Overall though, you did very well for a first time in the Writing section. I'd strongly recommend continuing so everyone can get a better grip on your style.

Score: Great

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And that's all folks! An extra special thanks to LaCaSiNa for giving such in-depth reviews and I guess piratemarimo as well! I was going to say I hated you for making me format Jay's review but you stroked my ego so I have no choice but to let it go! We had a lot of colorful entrees this time and they were all wonderful reads! Maybe I'll come back to this post later and make it prettier but for now, I have shit to do! Till next time, ta ta.~

[trappedolphin]

:D

We should do this every month.

And congrats to Kitty! :):)

[Kitsune Inferno]

OMGNOWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Thanks so much, guys! My jaw is on the ground in shock that I actually WON! :D I don't know what else to say really, other than I'm really, really glad you all enjoyed it so much.~ Kenny, I'm pretty certain I am well under 40,000 characters. I just checked and it's BARELY over 14,000 characters. Were you that immersed? :P

Also, thanks for picking up my inspiration, LaCa. There's a lot of Scandinavian influence there. I don't like making up words, so everything's all rooted in something.~ Except maybe Alrus... I don't think there's any particular inspiration behind that name.

As for the setting, it is intentionally ambiguous in the Prologue. Here is a world, a fantasy world, where we are introduced to it in the future, after the story proper is long told. Granted, this kind of future sight will be a bit detrimental to a lot of the reveals that are to come in the story, but the fact that I wanted to make this setting so ambiguous is because, simply put, we don't know the balance of this world. It is intentionally so that I opted not to show the scars from the story proper. The end result, the true nature of the future world, should be surprising enough when it finally comes to it.

Now for the subject of Lorya. Will we see more of her? Of course! We will see Lorya as she is in the future setting, unraveling her story as we go, as well as Lorya in the proper setting, and what type of role she of all people will play in this setting. Look forward to it.~

Again, thank you for the reviews.~ It's awesome that you all enjoyed it so.~

[metteminne]

I will already lower my pants while waiting for the punishment


And congrats Ki !

[gotta<3OP]

Congratulations Kitsune!

And god... Edward was blond, then I decided black hair would be better. But he remained blond in one sentence. :<

Thanks for the critiques :3.

And about cliche's. It is not a group of three, and definitly not a school drama. Just saying ;).

[ChesCa]

Congratulations Kitsune! You really cleaned house. :D
To address my reviews:

Marimo: Thanks for the grammar and wording critique. That is still one of my biggest weaknesses, embarrassingly enough. As for Faiba and the ShikaPlus, those are introduced in part one of Yukino (Spring), so they've already been explained. >>; Still, I'll try and make this arc enjoyable without have to do too much research.

@LaCa: Another one joins the herd.
Just for clarification, Issei is hanging around girls above legal age. You probably already knew that but once before it's been asked if he was a pedo. No he's not, he's just horny. ^^;
I'll be sure to clean up the opening. Oh and the phrase 'from the top' is short for 'take it from the top', which in turns mean to start over.

@Kenny: Never!
Okay okay let me explain: I save paragraph spaces for breaks in time and place. I do that because adding a dash between them seemed ugly to me. But for this forum I can compromise and start doing that. When I publish Yukino I'll probably go back to only spacing for breaks (but who knows, I might be converted).
As for the informality, well, the tone is only as formal as the person it's following. Issei's clinical perspective and Yukino's former innocence made it easier to write in a straight forward way, but now that she's a lot more angry her perspective is going to be more angry and bitter. However, since you and LaCa commented on the cursing I'll give it another run through.

Thanks for the critiques everyone.

[Rogues' Gallery]

*On the way to the General Discussion Threads*

*Trips over stone*



BWAHH??! What This?! I appear to have fallen into a new, unexplored area!

*Brushes self off, Gazes around at THE WRITING Thread*



*Ahem*

Now then, let's take a gander at the rulebook here, shall we?

(Don't have a thread? Post below to receive an application to sign up for an application to sign up for a thread. Or just press the Post New Thread button.)

Ah, I do have an old Art thread, about photography I believe, but its covered in like several layers of dust and don't believe I'll have use of it any longer. Best to start fresh again with a new thread, but I'll link it anway.

http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=30924

Minimum of 5,000 characters per submission; Maximum of 40,000.

Not a problem. Next~

One submission per story per month, please. Yes, you may submit multiple submissions, but only one submission per story.

Slightly confused here. Let's say that you have different stories, so about 1-2 chapters per story?

Please do tell us if you believe something may be inappropriate in your work as we're not intending to judge your character or anything but it would be better if our judges don't get surprised or offended. You should always maintain a level of tact within your submissions or at least give us a head's up as that is also an act of tact.

My current (and future) plots will heavily use dark, grim elements & aspects (semi-darker than what was projected in Arkham Asylum/City, but not by too much I assure you, and that's primarily for FUTURE Projects), but quite a few characters frequently employ language, and I'll say that the majority of the villain(s) in my stories will be on the...other side.



Like this.

Again, stuff like that is more for future projects that I just have securely filed away inside my mind, and as it stands now, I'm probably over-exaggerating things here and fretting a bit too much over trivial matters, but regardless, if judges have any concerns or questions; feel free to shoot the breeze with me. I do know that I currently have at least one character like this for my current story, though. Oh, very, very much...

Now about my Submission...

I have to tweek a few things in my current story, change around locations & a little dialouge, but if everything goes right, I'll might be able to make the 29th deadline. No pinky promises though, as I also have an essay to focus on for my critical thinking course and other assignments, so of course I have to take care of that as well. But I'll see what I can do. If studies prevent me from making the deadline (40% chance of that happening), then I will most promisingly enter for the March Madness contest.

That said, WELCOME ME.

[trappedolphin]

Welcome, you.

[ChesCa]

One of us! One of us! One of us!

[Kitsune Inferno]

*On the way to the General Discussion Threads*

*Trips over stone*



BWAHH??! What This?! I appear to have fallen into a new, unexplored area!

*Brushes self off, Gazes around at THE WRITING Thread*



*Ahem*

Now then, let's take a gander at the rulebook here, shall we?



Ah, I do have an old Art thread, about photography I believe, but its covered in like several layers of dust and don't believe I'll have use of it any longer. Best to start fresh again with a new thread, but I'll link it anway.

http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=30924



Not a problem. Next~



Slightly confused here. Let's say that you have different stories, so about 1-2 chapters per story?





My current (and future) plots will heavily use dark, grim elements & aspects (semi-darker than what was projected in Arkham Asylum/City, but not by too much I assure you, and that's primarily for FUTURE Projects), but quite a few characters frequently employ language, and I'll say that the majority of the villain(s) in my stories will be on the...other side.



Like this.

Again, stuff like that is more for future projects that I just have securely filed away inside my mind, and as it stands now, I'm probably over-exaggerating things here and fretting a bit too much over trivial matters, but regardless, if judges have any concerns or questions; feel free to shoot the breeze with me. I do know that I currently have at least one character like this for my current story, though. Oh, very, very much...

Now about my Submission...

I have to tweek a few things in my current story, change around locations & a little dialouge, but if everything goes right, I'll might be able to make the 29th deadline. No pinky promises though, as I also have an essay to focus on for my critical thinking course and other assignments, so of course I have to take care of that as well. But I'll see what I can do. If studies prevent me from making the deadline (40% chance of that happening), then I will most promisingly enter for the March Madness contest.

That said, WELCOME ME.

Welcome with a don! As for your rating concern, I had a sex scene in one of my submissions, which I glossed over significantly. Anything you can expect to see in a PG-13/low-end R movie is fair game. I mean, language, blood, and gore are one thing. Hardcore word porn is another.

[Uncle Kenny]

Did you really have to quote all that?

I mean really?

[metteminne]

Welcome Mr333 , and yes I'll keep calling you like that

[Kitsune Inferno]

Did you really have to quote all that?

I mean really?

It was extremely pertinent.

[Kitsune Inferno]

Sorry I haven't updated this thread yet. About that, I have a really big announcement, so please stay tuned this weekend.

Also, I'm still looking for two judges for the February monthly. Any volunteers?

[Rogues' Gallery]

Good news, so I should have my submission entered by Friday the 24th at the earliest, or by Sunday the 26th at the latest.

I'm to create a writing thread for my submission, and then link it here, right?

[Shuhan]

I can offer my services as a judge...if you'll have me...

[Dryish]

Also, I'm still looking for two judges for the February monthly. Any volunteers?

At your service if you still need someone~

[Rogues' Gallery]

My writing thread is up.

[Kitsune Inferno]

Good, Dryish, Shuhan, sign your souls away on the dotted line.