Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

[trappedolphin]

indeed , this should be very interesting

[Kitsune Inferno]

This is a gross misuse of government funds.

Please continue.

[Uncle Kenny]

. ....... .. .... ..........~

[piratemarimo]

BFF and mette, I KNEW IT. You have some explaining to do. WHY ARE YOU CONFUSING ME. My instinct says this had something to do with the monthly.

[metteminne]

Sure.

And if I get them out on time (i.e. the 15th) then you two will be punished instead.~

BFF and mette, I KNEW IT. You have some explaining to do. WHY ARE YOU CONFUSING ME. My instinct says this had something to do with the monthly.

Explanation is above

[ChesCa]

Just a reminder that the reviews are due on the 15th and that I will be collecting them.

[Uncle Kenny]

I already sent a reminder out, Cuddles.

[Kitsune Inferno]

Just a reminder that I'm sending a reminder to you all reminding you that Cuddles will be reminding you with a reminder to remind you that Kenny is not technically available to remind you that he needs to send you a reminder (somebody needs to remind him that he needs to not be sending reminders), as well as a reminder that our reviews are due tomorrow.

Just a reminder.

[Elisabeth Heart]

Just posting to proudly say that I submitted my obnoxious reviews. I am exhausted.
Why did you do that to me, Kenny ? Now everyone will know how unsmart and mean I am.

Seriously, this was really interesting and please, please remember that Kenny forced me to do it.

[Uncle Kenny]

Everyone blames me.

[trappedolphin]

Thanks Heart!

[Insider2000]

Just a reminder that I totally want some cheese pizza and some chocolate milk.

Also, I submitted my reviews.

[ChesCa]

Ugh, I've been a bad reader and Organizer lately.

Spoiler:

Squiddly Dee~ Squiddly Dum~ Everyone sings, a SquiddlyKSSSSSSH

Spoiler:

http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004748

Spoiler:

The winner is Uncle Kenny

---

Review Time:

Cuddles the Dark

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Elizabeth Heart
"Yukino" by Cuddles the Dark.
Great.
Really, really well written. I have nothing to say there. The flow in good. There wasn’t a single pause in my reading, I devoured the whole chapter.
You seem to perfectly grasp the characters you created. They feel very authentic.
Now, I must admit I haven't read the previous chapters which made it sometimes hard to comprehend, especially the last part (and the ShikaPlus thing). It got me surprised, confused even, but definitely in a good way. It made me curious and added a different and very interesting layer to your story.
I’m sorry my review is so short. Maybe if I took the time to read all the previous chapters my input could be more detailed. Sorry.

---

Kitsune Inferno

Yukino
---

Spoiler:

Let me start with a brief apology: Due to time constraints, I was not able to fully read everything that came before this chapter. I read all of Summer though, so I understand as much, but I missed out on the bulk of the second half of Spring. Apologies.

With that out of the way, I've made it no secret that Yukino is one of my favorite stories on Arlong Park. I just did this particular review after doing Trials or Tribulations, so I'd like to point out to Gizmo, if he's reading this, that this is a perfect example of voice elevating a simple story to the top of the crop.

My absolute favorite thing about Yukino are the therapy sessions between Yukino and Issei. Through Yukino, I feel a connection not only with the character, but also the author himself. One of the most important writer adages is "Write what you know" and Cuddles squeezes the daylights out of it, which makes Yukino a really, really personal affair. But what makes it truly special is Issei's viewpoint, which counteracts the personal touches that Cuddles infuses into Yukino with a very realist and "normal" view of the situation. Issei is the down-to-earth crtuch that Yukino needs to keep the story from being too indulgent, and instead propels it to a state of higher existence, proving itself to be a competently written commentary on what one can only perceive to be a mental illness and how each character views it. It's fantastic stuff.

So imagine my disappointment when finding that this chapter doesn't appear to include that dynamic. To be fair, I understand wholeheartedly that it's necessary that we have these scenes that remove us from the heart of the story, and I know it's not the first time we've delved in something other than the Yukino-Issei dyamic. Even so, like the last time you put Issei and Nagawa in the same room, you still manage to reward the reader with a powerful scene. Despite Yukino's absence, it still has all the necessary elements that make any Yukino-Issei scene work. It's all about Yukino's stubborn and strange demeanor and Issei's reaction to it. And I love how you pulled it off.

The scenes with Te and the Black Paper Village also complement that idea a bit by showing us how Yukino functions outside of the office some more, and again, it's compelling stuff. The only time I've ever groaned at Yukino is when it leaves the office and takes us away from Yukino herself. The Issei scene way back in chapter 2 is a prime example of that, but this chapter manages to handle that by still making the scenes about Yukino.

And that's probably Yukino's greatest strength. Too often do series indulge in subplots involving supporting characters that cause them to lose focus from the main plot. Here, you manage to create compelling supporting characters, and apply them expertly by still making the story always about Yukino. It can definitely become limiting, but this is Yukino's boat after all. It's competent writing, and what really changed my mind about this chapter. I was ready to mark it down for appearing to lack that "Yukino vs. Issei" dynamic, but was it really? Not a chance.

Yukino, Summer Part 3

“The ShikaPlus is out of the question. Please doctor,” she held his hand in search of comfort, “She had good results with you before. Please, please continue the therapy.”

^ I chose this moment because you really could have handled Nagawa's hesitation poorly, but you succeeded in making it work competently by backing it up with believably and making Nagawa's emotion come across naturally.~
The Verdict - Excellent

BONUS ROUND
Subtle Joke: Yukino's rather serious, so I didn't get any "oooh, subtle" vibes from anything. That's hardly a bad thing.
Touching Moment: The Highlight. Easily. I love how I could really feel Nagawa saying it. =)

---

Insider2000

Yukino by Cuddles

Spoiler:

As always, your pacing is fantastic. I always love tales of psychology, and Yukino provides quite the emotional one. If I had any real complaints, I'd say to be a little more organized with the dialogue of Yukino's dreams. Otherwise, fantastic. The dialogue is very realistic. Dr. Issei is a great character to follow in this tale, and Yukino, a strange child I can't help but be invested in. Awesome.
-Great

Gizmo

Spoiler:

Elizabeth Heart

"Trials and Tribulations" by Gizmo.
Good.

Spoiler:

Since this is only the second chapter of your story, I decided read the first as well, and I must say that the quality has sadly decreased. Tenses inconsistencies, words repetitions (around the second half of the chapter you can find 10 occurrences of "you guys" in the dialog and that from about every character present, you should really fix that) really hindered my reading. (Other note, Stacy or Stacey, you have to pick one).

In this chapter, I feel that you don't know your characters enough yet. Some reactions felt 'wrong'.
Jake. In the first chapter he was reserved, calm, unsociable even, and this was confirmed by Jeff in the second chapter; yet, he somehow appears needy of Jeff's presence, enthusiastic at one point, and then embarrassed ? Where did his composure go.
Jeff's portrayal was rather weak, superficial, and hesitating. I didn't "feel" him. Maybe because he's not as strongly involved as the rest of them, he's an outsider after all, but I didn't feel that either. More inner thoughts might help.
Nicholls is really losing his temper way too easily. I'd expect more dignity from a doctor.

At last during the meeting, it was all about Jake and Stac(e)y; Jeff joking around, irritation Nicholls, etc… at the end, however, Bryner invites the young man to join them ? Despite the fact that his partner in this adventure almost hit the guy ten minutes earlier. This just doesn't feel right and, to make it even weirder, Jeff refuses. What was the point of the chapter then. He was an outsider and now he still is, but now he knows things he shouldn't.

I should say that I really loved the first chapter. Nothing really seemed out of place there, it was a good introduction to your story. And maybe because I liked it so much, I know you can do much better than you did for the second chapter.

Kitsune Inferno

Trials or Tribulations
---

Spoiler:

Next on the platter is Trials or Tribulations. For starters, you've got a very interesting premise. You've got a few base characters in play that I'm sure will start fleshing out once the story picks up, but right now, they're all pretty cut and dry. I can't really fault you for anything just yet in that department, but as it stands now, these guys haven't given me too much reason to like them just yet.

As for the plot itself, it's kind of interesting. I like the setup so far and the bits of intrigue that run in the background make it somewhat gripping. But my biggest complaint again ties mostly into your presentation. You've got the workings of something great, it's just missing a sense of voice to help it go down easier. That's something that only truly comes with time though.

Remember, writing isn't just about telling a story, it's also about presenting one. Experiment a bit! Try something different for the next few chapters. Like, for instance, try spending most of Chapter 3 internally with the point of view character. Chapter 4, try being dialogue heavy and seeing how you much emotion you can evoke that way. Remember: show and don't tell. Try and come up with unique ways to convey information outside of "assembly speeches". You've got the workings of a great story, just don't be afraid to spread your wings about and try finding what works. ;)

Now then, specific gripes I have: Perry Nicholls or Perry Jones? Um, yeah, I'm not sure... It feels like you're going for an Indiana Jones joke here, but it's still very very confusing. Also, "Double D" just feels lazy, and isn't really a good nickname for the scariest motherfucker on the planet. Cuddles was on the right track telling you to put "the one" in quotations, but "the accident" does not need to be. You're trying to foreshadow here, I know, but foreshadowing should never be obvious. Any inferential reader will pick up that this is something of importance without the quotations.

Other than that and a few technical/grammar issues, you aren't too shabby. Lacking a voice is not a problem unique to you. One of my favorite stories on here feels sort of the same way, but the author just keeps on writing without fail, and that's ultimately what matters most. Keep at it, Gizmo and something will give. :D

Trials or Tribulations, Chapter 2

“You really are Indiana Jones,” I called out to him.

The Verdict - Fair

BONUS ROUND
Subtle Joke: The Indiana Jones joke almost qualifies, but the Highlight mentioned above kind of kills the subtlety a bit.
Touching Moment: I'm not really emotionally invested in these guys, so a "touching moment" isn't on the cards. Sorries.

Insider2000
Trials or Tribulations by Gizmo - Review

Spoiler:

An interesting start. As already mentioned to you, I think the project of the professors should have had more tension to it. I'd feel quite uncomfortable revealing my entire secret plot to a student who has been having problems in my class, if I were that professor. I do like Jeff as a character, and you've done great with character dialogue. Your main issue is pacing, and I think you need to slow down a bit. Take your time. Have us get invested in Jeff, other characters, and the slow growing plot. Don't worry if you feel it's taking too long. Even if it is a bit long, the reader won't mind if the story and dialogue is greatly planned.
-Good

---

LaCaSiNa

Spoiler:

Elizabeth Heart
"Garbled Sanctuary" by Lacasina.
Great.

Spoiler:

Overall, it was pretty well written. Good job with the descriptions, I could picture the scenes easily. Simple enough, flowing enough, the reading was agreeable and interesting from the beginning to the end. The wording could be improved as it was a bit clumsy here and there ("sofa" galore in the third paragraph, use of numbers to measure one's steadiness, certainty, or chance like "a hundred percent" seemed out of place). Until the two characters meet, their thoughts (I think) weren't in italic, which made me think they were speaking out loud.

Now, for what's really important.
First of all, I'm glad that your submission can easily be read on its own. I don't know if it is part of the rules but I believe that since you submitted this work alone it should be appreciable on its own.
The portrayal of the two characters is superficial (although like I said, I didn't read the previous chapters) but it fits the situation and nothing seems amiss. I like Douglas' composure despite the situation he found himself in and Marsha's lack of offers a nice contrast. Although I found it a bit weird that he didn't check the room anyway ! It would have made him even more of a strong figure, and I thought that it would have felt more natural. Professional curiosity !
The pace is slow but never boring, it's perfect in fact. The whole chapter really piqued my interest. Good job.

Kitsune Inferno
Garbled Sanctuary
---

Spoiler:

One of my favorite things about your writing is just how visceral it can be. I don't mean gory, I mean in the sense that you've got a strong, earthy grasp on the concept of emotion, something that is absolutely critical to a horror story. When I read "Drowning in Identity", I really understood just how skilled you were at deconstructing the thought process of your characters, something I think you can hone to amazing affect in "Garbled Sanctuary."

That's not to say you don't already have that strong sense of deconstruction going on here. I mean, you've got characters thrust into this dire situation. Of course their actions and thought process will be almost entirely motivated by fear here. But there's one thing that bogs "Garbled Sanctuary" down in my opinion, and that's this feeling that your writing is, right now, simply "going through the motions", rather than taking your unique LaCa skillset and pulling out a refreshing horror story.

What exactly do I mean? Well, it feels like a video game, for one. I know this is a Silent Hill fanfiction, but your characters are communicating and thinking out loud in an obvious way. This is required dialogue for a video game ("I should pull that switch over there WINKWINKNUDGE"), but it really throws me off reading a non-interactive story about these characters basically telegraphing their actions to a non-existent player. Instead of having Douglas state aloud the direction in which the scream came, have him maybe perk his ears and turn his head about frantically? Just an example, but I think you should really hone in on having your characters communicate with their actions and emotions rather than words.

Another thing that rubs me the wrong way about Garbled Sanctuary is that it still feels really calm and grounded, two things a horror story should never feel like. Try shifting around your vocabulary, and try considering the timing in which you indulge information to the reader. When building up to something, try writing uncomfortable sentences. Use your command of grammar and mechanics to get the reader themselves out of their comfort zone. I know it can be difficult to pull off for a non-native speaker, but think along the lines of what you did with Drowning and you should be good.~

To be fair, Garbled Sanctuary is a masterful piece, even now. I just think that if you apply that basic visceral style you displayed so vividly with Drowning, Garbled Sanctuary could have the potential to really skyrocket Garbled Sanctuary from being a solid thriller piece to the echelons of the best works in this forum.

Garbled Sanctuary, Chapter 3

"One could also have assumed this was all just a strange dream, but Douglas knew better. The atmosphere, the sounds(or lack thereof), even the smells of this place... They had to be real. Because Douglas didn't have dreams."

^ I love this piece of exposition. It says so little but so much about Douglas. ^^
The Verdict - Good

BONUS ROUND
Subtle Joke: Either I didn't see any or they were just THAT subtle.
Touching Moment: Ehh, not a whole lot of emotional stock can be divvied into these characters just yet. Dunno if this is intentional or not, but there's certainly a missing sense of personality here.

Insider2000
Garbled Sanctuary by LaCaSiNa – Review

Spoiler:

As a big fan of horror, I admit to being completely indulged by this story. I loved the pacing. I loved the eerie setting and set up. I loved some of the survivor mentality used with each character. You definitely have the element of horror down.
However, I think you need to take your dialogue into some consideration. Most importantly, when the characters talk to themselves. I have no issue with characters talking to themselves, but it sometimes comes off as awkward. A good example would be the line, “Judging from the scream’s audibility, she’s most likely on the second floor”. I know you're trying to make Douglas come off as an intelligent detective, but he already came off as that by his actions when placed under this stress. It just seems needless to say that line, whether it be from a book or a movie.
I'm not saying all the lines are useless. Like, I enjoy "Could be revenge for one of the cases I worked on", as I could believe that, and, of course, it's perfectly understandable for someone to curse or shout things. Just be careful with lone character dialogue. I'm not against it, but it can sometimes come off as awkward. Imagine to yourself if you could see someone saying this in real life in a similar situation.
Overall, I very muched enjoyed the story.
-Good

---

Mumbling2

Spoiler:

Elizabeth Heart
"Chimera Phase" by Mumbling2.
Fair.

Spoiler:

First things first, the intro. It is misleading, mildly interesting, and rather unappealing. The city is very much like Los Angeles but not quite. The country is nearly identical to the U.S. but it's not. I understand the need for mystery but this is going too far. If you really need a prologue, maybe you could make it longer and more detailed. The facts list is rather interesting, though.

I find it notable that you are breaking the fourth wall at the start of the second chapter with "This story". I don't know if this was deliberate or not.

Overall, I was very confused. The intro warned me, I was in a college, therefore I would have expected to find myself in a classroom, or someplace else involving students and or professors. Instead, and after the many paragraphs it took me to understand where I was, I figured I was in a sort of student association bureau. This wouldn't be that problematic if it was made more obvious from the beginning. Instead, I'm just unsure of too many aspects of the scene I'm witnessing.
The multiple jumps in time did not help me in my confusion : "When Kasper told the girl this years later", "When she walked into the student employment office a few minutes earlier", and then "Several months ago" those are found within the space of five rather short paragraphs.
I deplore the lack of a consistent point of view. Not quite omniscient, not entirely limited either; I don’t know where I stand.

The characters are shown present in the room one after the other as if they appeared out of nowhere. It might be better to at least say from the beginning how many characters are present in the scene and then introduce them one by one. Also, you don’t have to place them in your scene if their presence is useless at the moment. June, for example, is practically useless in the first chapter. She's here and she leaves, adding nothing from her presence or lack thereof. Maybe it would be better to introduce her later than so little.

I actually had to read the transmutation scene a few times to understand what was happening (if I actually ever did). Some insight from Kasper's vision and feelings could help (if the point of view you chose allows it).
Complete confusion is understandable and expected from your character when facing a situation such as this one, but the readers have to be guided somehow. I understand the need to preserve mystery, but a chaotic narration doesn't make a tale interesting, it just makes it inconsistent.

Some informations given in the second chapter could very well be welcomed in the intro or the first chapter as it would give the reader more understanding of the setting. Also, I understand that the scene in the second chapter happens at the same time as the first. Is that necessary ?

In the end, I would recommend that you reconstruct your intro and first chapter using the chapter 2 to complete them, as well as adding thorough descriptions. I’d also suggest to slow down the pace. This story could definitly be interesting.

Kitsune Inferno
Chimera Phase
---

Spoiler:

First of all, welcome to the Monthly. Second of all, holy crap.

I am stunned by just how deceptively delightful this story is. I walked in expecting a run-of-the-mill "new guy" entry, and left very pleasantly surprised. There's a lot to love about this story. First of all, your narrative voice is one of the most distinct I've seen. It's lean, it's appropriate, and most of all, it's quite humorous.

The strongest thing about Chimera Phase is that its narrative escapes cut-and-dry formalities by marrying the third-person point of view with an informal, but distinctly personal tone most oft seen in first-person narrative. The end result is that a relatively unremarkable run of the motions is elevated from the commonplace to an enthrallingly captivating joyride.

I find the voice oozes with the kind of style and humor that comes from something like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and I'm curious as to whether or not there is any influence from the aforementioned property being poured into Chimera Phase. Some of the most memorable bits from the narrative seem almost tangential, which can be used effectively as a worldbuilding strategy if you play your cards right.

However, the glamor fades away a bit in the second chapter. The second chapter is almost like you're teasing us a bit by introducing an almost entirely new set of characters. The tangential narrative from the first chapter is significantly downplayed, and the chapter is just wayyy too short. It's kind of like taking a promising television pilot and following it up with something that guts everything enjoyable about the pilot in the first place.

The shortness gripe is one I have overall, unfortunately. Falling back on the pilot analogy, these chapters feel like they should all be one, a part of a larger, much more satisfying chapter. You've got the characters, the voice, the technical chops, and the story all in place it seems, but it ultimately feels like one giant tease. Take care to note that you mustn't let the audience linger about the story. If it's chapter twelve and it only feels like Scene 12 of Episode 1, then it's going to kill a lot of people's interest fast.

What you're whipping up here starts incredibly strongly. I suggest examining Chapter 1 and embracing that tangential flavor you've peppered into it and incorporate it into future chapters.

Chimera Phase, Prologue

"3. Ninety-five percent of its students thought too highly of themselves.
4. The remaining four percent were not liberal arts majors."

The Verdict - Great

Chimera Phase, Chapter 1

"Frightening was not the right word. Unsettling was closer, but somehow inadequate... When Kasper told the girl [his interpretation] years later, she argued that this was an idiotic reaction. Of course she meant to be frightening."

The Verdict - Excellent

Chimera Phase, Chapter 2

"A student in that situation could wake up the next day in a ditch with a missing garment or three. Robin just woke up with a bad check that was strangely absorbent."

The Verdict - Fair

The Final Verdict - Great

BONUS ROUND
Subtle Joke: Too many to count!
Touching Moment: That bit with Maya and Brendan... Forehead on the back, lol.

BONUS BONUS ROUND
(I read chapter 3... I'm a bit more pleased with its length and the fun tone is back, but I'm not totally sure I'm going to enjoy the direction. We'll see, can't wait for more!)

Insider2000
Chimera Phase by Mumbling – Review

Spoiler:

You have a strong creativity for you characters. I’ve known so many Junes in my life, that I can’t help but hate that character (in a good way). However, I, by far, loved Maya. She is my favorite kind of character to create. You really have strength in your characters, so be sure to use them. Also, I loved the intro, building up what will be the rest of the story. It confused me at first, but reading further, I’m interested in where the story will go.
I have no real complaints. Made give more info on the appearance of some of the characters, although, adding that info may take away from the story. Overall, excellent.
-Great

---

Uncle Kenny

Spoiler:

Elizabeth Heart
"Thriller Blend, Side A and B" by Uncle Kenny.
Good. (or rather Good +)

Spoiler:

The intro alone would deserve a Great, or even Excellent. It was so enjoyable that I said it out loud to feel its taste with my mouth.

Your story, characters, and setting would perfectly fit a Cartoon Network production. It's simple, alive, colorful, eventful. But it also feels slightly childish and shallow, which probably still fits the comic criterias. My main complaint is that it especially concerns the main character.
I feel no affection or interest for Britney. The things and people around her, sure, but not her. She's disrespectful, borderline tsundere, overpowered, and lazy. Her monstrous appetite seems like some characterization device to give her more substance. She doesn't appear to feel anything, contrary to Trixie whose feelings makes her immensely more tangible. Britney is dense and she lives in her own world to a point that makes her selfish. It seems she is completely unaware of what happens around her.
Oh look, this description would fit most shonen heroes. So what's the difference ? A goal, a purpose, a dream ? Maybe. Britney is the main character, yet I don't know why she is, I don't understand why she is. Is she some kind of fairy that is there to help her -only ?- friend, Trixie overcome her timidity ? There must be a reason for all this magical world to revolve around her.

After three girls were introduced, I thought that this was a girls’ school. Might be a good idea to add something in the descriptions to prevent that. Speaking of description, I know this is supposedly a script for a comic, but I wouldn't mind 'seeing' more of the surroundings. I'm sure it would only be even more enchanting.

All the characters introduced are interesting and visually attractive (I might want to draw some of them). I do regret that most of the girl seem to share the same bitchiness. They are pests. Complaining, they are disrespectful of their elders. Maybe adding some diversity would be a good thing. The two first boys we see are both in love with Britney. As for the rest, it seems she has way too many enemies. This school really feels hostile after the third attack on Britney.

I feel pretty bad for writing such a negative review for a work I truly appreciated in the end. Please understand that I found it very enjoyable and it is possible that my critics would be irrelevant or even inexistent if I were to watch your creation in the form of a cartoon.

Kitsune Inferno

Thriller Blend
---

Spoiler:

First of all, yes. It's been a long time since I've had the pleasure of sinking my teeth into Thriller Blend. They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I couldn't agree more. Reading Thriller Blend again is like being deprived of your favorite flavor of ice cream for a year, so when you taste it again, it's a nice big rush of nostalgia. What makes me pleasantly surprised though is that Thriller Blend comes back and manages to go down better than ever. The new scenes are fantastic and really add to the overall piece.

By far my favorite concept, though, is the Side A/Side B thing you have going on here. You said it's just to break up the longer chapter, but it gives the entire piece so much more character than it had before. It's kind of like watching a Saturday morning cartoon broken up into two shorter segments. Sure, they were part of the same storyline here, but Thriller Blend 1-A and 1-B manage to pull off the broken apart effect admirably, with both sides contrasted by action and character.

I feel like this should be a thing. Thriller Blend is a very cutesy, saccharine world, that should be broken up like this into smaller pieces. The cool thing is that you can play with this Side-A/Side-B concept in many different ways: two acts of the same linear story, same events with different viewpoints, a main story and a side, non-canon story, etc. It makes for a more unique, more enticing read when you've got this DOUBLE SUN CHAPTER POWER thing going on and I really like it.

Despite my love for Thriller Blend, the new scenes are good and well-written, but I've been kind of firm with my annoyances towards "rewrites". I know, I've been bad with them myself, but really, if you're going to rewrite your story after Chapter 1 or 2, you're not going to get anywhere with it. At least give yourself, I dunno, ten chapters of buffer before going back to tweak and rewrite. Sure, you might want to introduce something new, but you're really just writing drafts right now, so we'll forgive you if a new plot point comes along that wasn't there before. ^^

Out of what I've read so far, Thriller Blend has the most talent and the best chops behind it. It's sweet, short, fun, and very, very touching. But ultimately, you've been sitting on this chapter for over a year, and the fact that the vast majority of it is old material prevents me from declaring it "the winner". That doesn't change the fact that I love Thriller Blend with an unending passion.

Thriller Blend #1, Side A

"SIMON: suck jo blat"

The Verdict - Excellent

Thriller Blend #1, Side B

"BLACK: Ah, good question. That brings us to our third and final principal "Chase children in order to scare and eat them"

The Verdict - Excellent

The Final Verdict - Excellent

BONUS ROUND
Subtle Joke: "BRITNEY: Ha ha ha! Want some, Trix? "
I'm going to presume this was unintentional but I burst into laughter when I immediately said out loud "Silly Britney, Trix are for kids."
Touching Moment: The ending always gets to me. It's an excellent display of just how strongly you can convey emotion in your writing, something that I've rarely seen done here.~

Insider2000
Thriller Blend Side A and Side B by Uncle Kenny - Review

Spoiler:

Wow. I don't know where to begin. The characters, every last one of them, are wonderful and well thought out. Black and Howard were hilarious. Faith really came off being dispicable. But by far, I love Britney and Trixie. Britney is the perfect main character to follow in this bizarre world, and Trixie is such a lovable character that I can't help but sympathize with. A fun, world I'd love to read more about. Great characters. Honeslty, I don't have any complaints. Awesome jobs.
-Excellent

Congratulations to our winner and to all who participated. The Judges were really impressed by this batch of stories--it was hard to choose a winner~

Spoiler:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[Kitsune Inferno]

Wow, I overdid it, huh?

I like how all my reviews basically boil down to the "voice" of the piece, too, which was an unintentional common thread there.~

Congrats to Kenny and everyone really. It says something amazing about our writers when three different judges come to completely different conclusions as to who deserves "the win". You're all winners here.~

[trappedolphin]

That was interesting. Thanks Cuddles & judges, and congrats to the writers~

[Mumbling2]

Oh, I get your game now Uncle Kenny. You invite more people to participate so that it makes your victory all the sweeter. Seriously, congrats!

Wow, that was some really good feedback. Probably the biggest thing I took from it is to not break my chapters up so much. Maybe. I might change my mind and disagree, but for now I'm going to try and put more substance in each.

And yes, Kitsune, there is some influence from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, along with Discworld. I actually wrote a full draft of this story almost two years ago and the tone was more serious. Eventually, I realized that it just didn't work because the basic premise is kind of weird and it created a disjointed tone. I'm trying to play around more here.

Anyway, thanks judges. Getting feedback is hard so I'm grateful for everyone's time commitment to this contest.

[Uncle Kenny]

[Kitsune Inferno]

Such a... muted response.

[Uncle Kenny]

Thanks again to everyone that participated as well as our judges (and Cuddles) who made sure to get the reviews in on time. As always, I hope all of you will continue to write and that all of our readers will continue to read (and comment, dammit).

Also, that one week where some of you got punished was funny.~

XOXOXO - Monthly Competition, Public Relations Officer

[piratemarimo]

*lurks in the shadows*

good job, Kenny.

*disappears*