Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!

[Kitsune Inferno]

Don't you have a LIFE or something, Kitsu?

It's not that hard to set two hours of your day aside for writing.~

[Uncle Kenny]

Unfortunately, I set those two hours aside to go to the gym.

[Kitsune Inferno]

Jay was late, so five hundred lashes to you!

The judges were as split on this decision as ever, with every story but one receiving a winning vote, and that odd story out is in fact a two-time winner. So a new story has emerged to take the crown!

Spoiler:

And that story....

Spoiler:

is...

Spoiler:

"Aftermath of World Peace" by Gizmo!

I'll be back! I'll always be back! *flies away dramatically*

REVIEWS:

"Aftermath of World Peace" by Gizmo

Spoiler:

Herodadotus
Review: The Aftermath of World Peace

Spoiler:

Now, I’m a big sci-fi fan, so I was definitely looking forward to read Gizmo’s short story “The Aftermath of World Peace”. The beginning of the story is very good, we’re introduced to Rafael, and we are given a well-written dialogue between one of the two alien’s we meet, Romulus, and the main character. This dialogue also gives us important details about how the world has changed and what the earth can look forward to. However, we are soon thrown into a different direction, as an apparent attack on the UN is actually a ruse for the brother of the first alien, named Remus to take Rafael and warn him about how his own federation is planning to take Earthlings and make them slaves, in a word.
I enjoyed this twist, but the story after this gains a pace I’m not a big fan of. Some of the events, such as the interrogation later in the story, are well written, but transitions between big events are rushed a little. We see the three main characters get fleshed out a little, but some of the transitional scenes had the opportunity to grow these characters even more. One such scene shows some of Rafael’s problems with cigarettes. I enjoyed most of this entire “Remus kidnaps Rafael” scene, because both characters become more three dimensional. I did find the ending appropriate for this story, showing how human’s do have something to offer even the most advanced civilization.
Overall, I enjoyed this work. I’m hoping it’s part of a larger work, and I’m looking forward to reading more from you, Gizmo.
Pros:
Good Premise
Good potential in characters and plot
Good descriptions
Good writing during most dialogue and big scenes
Good ending
Cons:
Some scenes feel rushed in order to reach a big scene.
Some characters could’ve gotten a little more dimension through dialogue.
Overall: I give you an 7.5/10, or a really solid Good rating.

Cuddles the Dark
Gizmo 'The Aftermath of World Peace':

Spoiler:

Pros: Gives the reader what they need to know about the world pretty succinctly and organically
Cons: Doesn't feel like a lot happens
Comments: Romulus not knowing that Blue Jays were code words is a little silly, since he himself is a high ranking official and seems familiar with SWAT work.
'“Damn it.” All I could think of to say. The shit was hitting the fan. I had no clue who was behind it. The reports kept coming in.' These don't really need to be four separate sentences. Try connecting sentences two and three with a comma and the last one with an 'and'. It will give a more natural thought process of one listing off his problems quickly without looking stilted. Make any word changes as necessary.
Remus' warning to the president about what the Federation is up to is kind of vague, especially when he tells Raf a few moments later what things are about. I know you were keeping the audience in suspense but perhaps it would be better to have Remus whisper into the President's ear in case the room was bugged or something.
“I see your wife is still trying to get you to stop your smoking habit. It may be best if your nerves are steadier. I suggest you just have a couple cigarettes. You always seem to have a box on you.” That doesn't seem too natural. Perhaps Remus could say ' Have a couple to steady yourself' or something along those lines. The wife part is completely unnecessary.
When Remus loses it there's not a lot of description. It would be better if there was some sign that he was increasingly losing control during the interrogation before snapping. Maybe you could even give the scene it's own chapter.
Speaking of which, the plot feels like it's being skimmed and as a result comes across as though it's being told rather than shown. The idea of the US government and a Federation distrustful of each other while Raf is caught in the middle is really good but it goes by too quickly for any of it to really sink in. This whole chapter could've been a 'starting arc' to the story at large where there would be plenty of opportunities to get to know the characters and the world better. Raf should show his SWAT experience when the smoke bombs hit and end with a cliffhanger when Remus fades in. Another chapter could be dedicated to Remus taking Raf to an isolated location to explain more of his plan in detail for the reader as well as the plan to bug him. I already mentioned the interrogation thing.
Suggestions: Aside from what I already put your writing is getting better. In this case though the best course may be to write future chapters to get to know your characters and plot better through doing the writing itself. After you feel comfortable enough return to this chapter and split it up and spread things out to give the reader a much bigger feeling of 'completeness'.
Rating: Good

RPGJay
The Aftermath of World Peace - Gizmo

Spoiler:

I believe this is the first time I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading one of your stories and I’d say it’s a good indication I’ll be reading future works by you. The Aftermath of World Peace has an interesting approach to the usual “aliens but actually evil” set up and provided very detailed descriptions illustrating the Silvians. My only real issue with the story is the main character himself, Rafael, is oddly not physically described at all. Aside from his mannerisms as a result of his nicotine addiction we don’t really know what he looks like, how tall he is compared to the Silvians, ugly or good looking, etc.
That all said this was still a superb story that just needs a little polish to make the great parts shine even better.
Rating: Great

"An Average Day" by Shuhan

Spoiler:

Herodadotus
Review: An Average Day

Spoiler:

This may be the shortest of the stories in this monthly, but it definitely has something good inside. From the beginning, the very indirect, but precise descriptions of moving shopping carts through a parking lot gave me the impression of an epic adventure occurring. As the story continues, we learn it’s all the main character’s imagination, giving excitement to a mundane task. We meet his boss, Patti, who chides him for working too hard, and daydreaming. However, we see that she cares about our character, even if he is a daydreamer.
The one thing in this story that stood out to me was the character writing. Both characters were given a strong profile and were pretty well fleshed out. I loved these two characters, and I had an emotional connection to both characters. Even though not much technically happened in the story, I didn’t need much to happen to experience an enjoyable reading experience.
Pros:
Great Character writing
Made even a mundane task turn into an engaging story.
Cons:
I really don’t have any complaints here. You wrote an engaging slice-of-life story that was very enjoyable.
Overall: But I will never post a perfect score! You get a 9/10! An Excellent rating!

Cuddles the Dark
Shuhan 'An Average Day:

Spoiler:

Pros: Fun use of hyperbole
Cons: Redundant use of words, nothing new or interesting about this particular chapter
Comments: '...given the task I was given,' '...I was tasked to return...' are a bit too close together and you use the word 'cart' a lot among others. Also, while I get you're trying to make a wacky delusional character without any context to what the person himself is like the delusions he has is nothing more than an easy gimmick to try and keep things going. There is barely a setting and I think you could use either an exaggeration of his troubles to the point where you question his sanity (or upbringing) OR go full on Don Quixote and have him hallucinate, like seeing the car as an actual monster instead of making it look like a car shaped monster that's obviously just a car. One final detail is that from what I hear a broken nose hurts like hell. You might want to change it to just hitting your nose instead.
Suggestions: Read your story out loud. The parts you need to fix will not sound natural when you say it, or at the very least repetitive. Once you do that editing should be a lot easier.
Rating: Fair

RPGJay
An Average Day - Shuhan

Spoiler:

Okay before I actually get deep into the review I have to say, as someone who also works at a supermarket by pushing carts, this story got me laughing deep inside. The strength of the story is definitely the fascinating but yet all too real take on how anyone takes on a menial job. You have to make it interesting dammit or you’ll go insane. Makes the title “An Average Day” seem ironically fitting.
My issue with the writing is just that while your descriptions of details are great, you tend to use a lot of the same words over and over. It’s a minor issue but it is still one that is worth noting. Other than that my only other problem is that it is tragically too short of a daydream brought to life. I can definitely see the fantasy being longer and more complex because again, work is boring so you have to make life more interesting to compensate. Other than those nitpicks, this is some good work there Shuhan. Keep making the mundane fantastic.
Rating: Good

"Concerto di Ali" by Kitsune Inferno

Spoiler:

Herodadotus
Review for Concerto de Ali: The Battle of Solocima: Third Verse

Spoiler:

Now, the big difference between this chapter and Spirit Wolf Chapter 4 is how they stand by themselves. Both of these stories are awesome, but this chapter actually stands up really well by itself, with a transition at the end the only hint that the story continues.
I love the characterization of Tobey and Halley, even though Tobey doesn’t truly show up in this chapter. Salbert, Lacran and a new character, Paricia, are all well done. Halley is, as a main character should be, well written. Even though I don’t find him likable in any sense of the word, he is a character I’m emotionally invested in.
I do enjoy the confrontation with the bar patrons, as the readers are shown that even if they’re trying to do good, the main crew’s pirate background creates a lot of problems for them. I even enjoy the writing when Halley takes advantage of Paricia, though it’s rather sudden, because it was shown that Halley is a smooth talker, and Paricia is emotionally fragile at the moment. So while it’s all sudden, there is reason for it.
Pros:
Great characterization
Unlikable character is still likeable somehow
Great story
Good descriptions
Cons:
Nothing writing-wise, though Halley is a dick.
Overall: This story is fully deserving of a 9/10, another Excellent!

Cuddles the Dark
Kitsune Inferno 'Concerto di Ali':

Spoiler:

Pros: Nice character piece, and with an interesting guy at that
Cons: Story doesn't move forward (too early for a leisurely chapter)
Comments: Without context, 'generous transporation' is a little out of place, since we the reader don't know exactly who or what conversation he is referring to. The 'fuck out of her' line kind of makes Halley sound like an abuser. Mabye seduce would be a better word?
'I really havta crawl through the Prison in chains' is also kind of vague since I don't know what he's calling a prison.
Other than that I love how Halley handles trouble with...well not with 'ease' but he's clearly no stranger to it and is a survivor and I do want to find out more about him in future chapters.
Suggestions: Maybe sprinkle more hints as to why he's on land. My recommendation is to start out by saying his goal. Not his plan but his goal, in order to keep things simple. Just say he wants someone dead or robbed or whatever it takes to make us want to follow his particular quest.
Rating: Good

RPGJay
Concerto di Ali: Third Verse - Kitsune Inferno

Spoiler:

You will kill me with your length.
All jokes aside I believe this is the first time I’ve read your Concerto series, so I am entering not knowing what came previously. So I’m sure some parts of the chapter will be lost upon me. That all said, this still was a fantastic chapter, even if the pain-fucking at the end leaves me with some awful mental images of how medieval Leisure Suit Larry is supposed to go into such an act in already throbbing pain, but the bill for my therapy will be sent to you another day. :P It is an interesting tale of lust to say the least and, from what I could tell, it does function well as a self-contained chapter that seems to also function to assist with the world building of the Concerto series. Again, as far as I can tell anyways. Though that said not a whole lot story-wise seems to actually happen within the chapter itself. It just seems like build-up just for the sake of the characters to climax (zing). There may be more I’m missing out on, but that is just my impressions.
One of your strengths is that you’re very good with your colorful similes and metaphors. Though there are some minor issues with tenses (ex. “the water to the north were usually frozen over”), the chapter is very well written and very detailed. This story is without a doubt definitely worth reading and certainly an incentive to read more of this story.
Rating: Great

"Spirit Wolf" by Kitsune Inferno

Spoiler:

Herodadotus
Review of Spirit Wolf Chapter 4

Spoiler:

Now, in of itself, this chapter of “Spirit Wolf” is a well written dialogue between a women and a small child who were both turned into wolves. We see Tikanni’s motivations and sacrifices throughout the chapter, as well as her attempts to hide her growing weakness from Mika. As a character, Mika becomes more fleshed out, showing compassion and an insight into how people are acting. He is still naïve, but I liked the way he could force someone into making a good decision through words alone.
I also enjoyed seeing flashes of Tikanni’s inner turmoil, though the intro of the dream seemed to be a bit jumpy to me. The dream itself was short, but showed the emotional restlessness and guilt that has led Tikanni in most of her decision making.
If I had one complaint, it’s that this chapter stands well on its own, but it does get a lot of help from the outside chapters. I’ll score this as a singular chapter, but as a whole story, I’d give “Spirit Wolf” a 9/10 so far.
Pros:
Good characters
Motivations are explained well
Great descriptions of inner turmoil
Mika is fun
Cons:
The dream scene is a bit jumped into, but that’s not really a con, just a personal preference.
Overall: This chapter as a singular chapter is around an 8/10, a high Good or low Excellent.

Cuddles the Dark
Kitsune Inferno 'Spirit Wolf':

Spoiler:

Pros: Charming narrative, neat characters
Cons: Tikaani's flaws stretch believability
Comments: Tikaani says that she felt safer in the nearby woods, then a few sentences later she said she didn't feel safe yet. Technically there is nothing wrong but you should maybe change it to something like 'the woods felt safer than most places, but only relatively' or something like that.
There should be a dash or something to indicate the passage of time between Tikaani killing the rabbits and getting back to Miki.
I know Tikaani is stubborn and all that, but it sort of gets to the point where it's a little bit dumb. There should've been no reason for her not to eat the rabbit and she seems smart enough to figure out that her sister had died in that fire a LONG time ago. I know that she was supposed to be in denial but I don't think you get into that enough from what I remember from previous chapters (if I am wrong please tell me so).
Suggestions: Have Tikaani avoid the subject about what happened to her sister instead of outright denying it. Funny enough that would be a more realistic symptom of denial than lying to oneself. As far as starving herself...hm, it would be better if she had an internal struggle over whether or not to eat the baby rabbits and finally come to the conclusion that she has to take care of herself in order to keep taking care of the Miki. You would be able to use her hesitation to enrich the story more as she has to come to terms with the 'eat or be eaten' world she lives in now.
Rating: Fair

RPGJay
Spirit Wolf - Kitsune Inferno

Spoiler:

Like with Concerto, I must unfortunately admit I haven’t read much (if any) of Spirit Wolf prior to this review as far as I can recall, so I will likely miss some things.
Now with that disclaimer out of the way I do feel as if I had the opportunity to read a good chapter as my first. I quickly grew attached to Tikaani’s character. Namely, I grew attached to how Tikaani has to make the decision to kill and starve herself so that Miki may live, the latter of which being an ironically selfish decision of Tikaani. It makes me want to learn more about these characters, especially with the revelation at the end of the chapter.
While I poke fun of you at times for the length of your stories this is a nice easy read that honestly I have no real issues with. It’s a good story that I’m definitely going to catch up on and patiently await for more chapters of.
Rating: Excellent

---
Let's give a resounding thanks to our writers for giving even more good literature to the ever-growing Writing section, the judges for taking the time to give these stories the feedback they deserve, and you, the readers, for being the lifeblood that keeps us all going. See you next month!

[Wooden_Giraffe]

Woot! Wish I had been able to enter that round. Good job guys.

[ChesCa]

Thanks for making me look like the bad guy guys!

[Shuhan]

Great job Gizmo~

[Uncle Kenny]

So let's go ahead and get this out of the way real quick...

Wanna be a judge for the July monthly, ultimaclima?~

[Kitsune Inferno]

Guys, we've got four entries already and 14 days to go.

Let's break a record for most entries in a single month!

Wooden, Kenny, Shuhan, Insider, Sakon, No Maam, Jay, Laca, Cuddles, Marimo, Mumbling, Gizmo, Beast, Mastello, EVERYBODY get to writing!

Also, new writers get on this wagon! *eyes Gypsy and Dryish and Nex*

[Uncle Kenny]

I'll do it if you pay me infinite blow jobs.~

[Kitsune Inferno]

I've got two stories to your zero in this monthly.

I think you owe me things now.

[Gizmo]

*sniffles* I'm very touched my story was chosen. Thank you so much. I'll give my response to the reviews in due time.
I'd like to take the devil for accepting my soul so I could win the comp...

@Kenny. Sure. I'll judge for July.

[Herodadotus]

Congrats, Gizmo! Everyone's stories were a joy to read!

I did feel like the Paula Abdul of the group, though.

[RPGJay]

Just let me get into my nice leather for my lashes

[Kitsune Inferno]

Heh, I knew I was going to get slammed a bit for the direction I went with for Concerto. This chapter was a necessary evil because I have to give Halley a starting point and I'm also not ready to really divulge who he is just yet. So the vagueness involving him is... crucial. Sorry. :I

[ChesCa]

I'll likely make some edits before the deadline.

http://www.apforums.net/showthread.p...=1#post2640947

[piratemarimo]

I blame Kitsune for guilt-tripping me. For the first time in months, a submission from me. :T It's the working title story, and like I said in my thread, if you're a judge, you might want to go back to the first part to brush up first.

http://www.apforums.net/showthread.p...=1#post2641517

orz

[LaCaSiNa]

Guys, we've got four entries already and 14 days to go.

Let's break a record for most entries in a single month!

Wooden, Kenny, Shuhan, Insider, Sakon, No Maam, Jay, Laca, Cuddles, Marimo, Mumbling, Gizmo, Beast, Mastello, EVERYBODY get to writing!

Also, new writers get on this wagon! *eyes Gypsy and Dryish and Nex*

I'll try, though I make no promises. Zero. Nada.

But hey, trying is still something... right?

[Kitsune Inferno]

Try harder.

:3

[LaCaSiNa]

Harder. Better. Faster. STRONGER.

x3

[Keo2309]

Good job Gizmo. I'll probably get around to reading all of those stories today... nothing else to do...

On a less depressing note, what're the restrictions for this One Piece theme? Must I use canon characters? And does it have to be a self-contained short story or can I submit a continuing series?