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Thread: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

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    The Tetsuo Ishimaru of AP Gizmo's Avatar
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    Default Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    Title explains it all. I'll try to link all my short stories in the thread on this post.

    Grr. New post merge. I'll work it out later.

    The last few months I've taken a fiction writing class. This was the piece I turned in for my final assignment. It's essentially the beginning of a simple sci-fi story. I meant it to have an "open ended" ending and I have no idea if I'll ever expand on it, but I definitely left it a possibility.

    The Aftermath of World Peace
    Spoiler:

    The Earth wasn’t ready for this announcement. That was all I could think of while surveying the serene General Assembly Hall of the United Nations Headquarters. When morning arrives, the world leaders will gather in this empty building and reveal to the public that Earth had been in contact with aliens for centuries. It’s ironic. The Eirene Federation gave Earth permission to make this announcement because they had finally deemed us united as a species. Yet, I had my men surveilling New York for any potential threats lurking in the middle of the night.

    While my men reported that the city was secure, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. It’s not like I thought there would be an attack; this was just standard procedure. No, they were shaking because these nicotine patches weren’t enough to calm my damn nerves. Romulus, one of the representatives of the Eirene Federation, was the only one with me during the surveillance. He noticed my hand. The corners of his beak flexed upward, but the beak itself barely moved. It was his species’ equivalent of a human smile.

    “Do not be so nervous Rafael,” Romulus remarked as if he read my thoughts. “The Eirene Federation decided that the Declaration could be made because we believe the Earthlings are ready for the news. This era of peace has served your people well.”

    I examined his expression. When interrogating suspects, I would first check if their nostrils flared, but the Silvians had no equivalent of a nose on their face. Doses of L35 allowed humans to understand the Silvian language, but I’m still uncertain whether I should use the tone of their voices to tell if they’re lying.

    So I gazed into Romulus’ eyes, or at least the two I could see at the moment. He had two semi-circles with dark olive green irises and buttercup yellow pupils in the front of his face and a matching pair in the back of his skull. They were so bright when contrasted against his normal elephant-gray skin, the Silvians’ default skin color.

    The few times I have met Romulus, he always seemed to look down at our world leaders. Yet, whenever he looked at me, I didn’t get that same feeling. Maybe it was all in my head.

    “If you say so,” I replied. Sure, the Earth may have been “officially” at peace for the last 100 years, but I knew otherwise. As head of the Earth’s Secret SWAT team, I prevented a fair share of potential terror attacks that could have threatened Earth’s peaceful status. Admittedly, compared to the reports of my predecessor, the number of attacks was dwindling. Still, one attack was more than enough of a reason to stop this announcement in my mind.

    “I still have a hard time believing it Romulus,” I explained. “How could the Silvians not have any criminals? No wars? No conflict?”

    Romulus let out a slight hiss, showing his forked tongue as it slithered out of his beak. Laughter I presumed. “This idea of conflict stems from your instinctive behavior. Eventually, your species will evolve beyond these primitive notions and be able to make rational decisions that best serve the interests of your race.” My hands kept shaking, so I reached into my pocket and added another patch to my arm. Was he mocking the human race, or was his answer genuine? It was so hard to get a read on the Silvians. “

    But there has to be a few individuals that think differently,” I said.

    Romulus pondered my words before he gave his response. He turned at a slight angle so none of his eyes directly faced me.

    “It is true that this is a troubling issue. I will admit, even the Silvians on very rare occasions have individuals that are unable to perceive their actions as erroneous.” He kept tapping his six talons on his hand along the side of his body, each talon as sharp as an ice pick but as short as a pen cap.

    “So even the Silvians have the occasional criminal?”

    “Not criminals in the same sense as Earth. For many generations, no Silvian has committed a major act of violence. We are not as extreme as the criminals your team stops during SWAT missions.”

    That took me by surprise. I didn’t think the U.N. leaders reported my missions to the Eirene Federation. I would’ve thought that the Eirene Federation would halt the announcement if they knew about the people I stopped. Guess I was wrong.

    “It’s a shame your brother Remus couldn’t make it for the announcement,” I said, trying to switch the subject. “We would always talk after his official meetings with the World Leaders. He always seemed excited when talking about all the help the Federation would provide after the Declaration was made.”

    “Yes, my brother can be rather passionate when the Declaration is made to a new planet. Yet these last few weeks my brother had been suffering from a rather traumatic brain injury. It is appropriate that we conversed about mind defects, since lately my brother had been rambling about-”

    BZZZ. Static from my radio interrupted his sentence.

    “Black Raven. What’s the status? Over.”

    “Yellow Crane. It’s a level 2 threat sir,” Jorge reported in his gruff voice. “Smoke bombs were detonated across the hotel where multiple canaries are staying. Over.”

    “Send half your herd to protect the canaries,” I ordered. “Assess the smoke situation. Have whoever’s left search for the Blue Jays. I’ll fly more of the flock in your direction. Over.”

    “Why would you order your men to look for Blue Jays?” Romulus asked me. No head tilt. Beak motionless. Eyes just as wide as ever. I couldn’t find any tell on his face that showed confusion.

    “Blue Jays are the code word for criminal,” I explained. “My predecessor came up with the code words. Studying birds was his pastime.”

    BZZZ. More reports. Both White Dove and Yellow Eagle witnessed similar attacks in their sectors. There were clouds of smoke across the hotels where multiple Ambassadors were staying.

    “Damn it.” All I could think of to say. The shit was hitting the fan. I had no clue who was behind it. The reports kept coming in. Fortunately, the leaders were secure. But the culprits were nowhere to be found at any scene. Even after I distributed my team to each location, there were still no results. I was already doing all I could at the moment.

    I paced up and down the General Assembly hallway. I was this close to just reaching into my back pocket for a cigarette, but something stopped me. I noticed Romulus was standing in place. He was tapping his talons against his body again. His face was as unreadable as ever, but for the first time, I figured out one of his tells. Romulus was worried.

    “What’s on your mind, Romulus?”

    “These attacks. They seem very inefficient if their goals involved stopping the announcement. There are much more effective ways to strike fear.”

    “Well they are certainly causing panic.”

    “True, but only panic. The scene is causing more confusion than fear so far.”

    It clicked for me a second later. “So the smokescreens are just smokescreens. They’re a distraction to hide the real motives of the perps.” I sent a memo to my squad and the local Police force to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity around the city.

    Who knows? This could just be an elaborate art thief trying to steal from a museum. But my gut told me otherwise. I felt that Romulus thought the same way. He kept tapping his talons on his body.

    “I am going to report this to the Federation,” Romulus explained. “Keep me up to date on any new information.”

    Romulus walked away and I couldn’t help staring at his bare feet. They were also similar to a bird’s, three toes in the front and the hallux behind providing balance. Each toe was covered with the same talons they have on their hands. I checked in with President Kim on his personal phone.

    “I’m fine.” President Kim stated. “What’s the status on capturing the Blue Jays?”

    “No progress yet,” I replied. “But the entire city is being searched. It’s just a matter of time.”

    “So what are your thoughts, Rafael? Any ideas on who could be responsible for this?”

    “Well, the only whose who knows what the Declaration is about our the World Leaders and my SWAT team. I guess it could just be anarchists, but there haven’t been reports of grassroots mobilizations in years. I highly doubt there could be a team on Earth this organized that we would have no Intel on.”

    “So I’m assuming when you say ‘on Earth’,” President Kim said, “you mean to suggest someone not on Earth is responsible?”

    “Exactly sir,” I replied. “I’m not sure of their motives, but extraterrestrial life makes sense. Romulus was with me earlier, and he acted rather odd, as if he was hiding something. After he reports to the Eirene Federation, I’m hoping to ask him a few more questions.”

    “I could explain the situation for you,” a new voice said. It didn’t come from the phone or radio. I looked around the room but I was seemingly alone. That is, until blots of gray began to emerge in front of my eyes. The culprit began to reveal himself out of thin air.

    The body that emerged looked exactly like Romulus, except Romulus was wearing a jumpsuit with dark red and white pin stripes embroidered with a star constellation. The Silvian in front of me wore a jumpsuit matching his gray-skin color, but I recognized him all the same.

    “Remus,” I cried. “What are you doing here?”

    “To warn your people,” Remus quickly announced. “The Earthlings are in danger. We do not have time to get to the details at the moment. Raf, we need to get to my ship. Now.”

    “Wait,” I pleaded, trying to process the info. “Were those smoke bombs your doing? How are we in danger? Why didn’t you tell the federation?”

    “I will answer your questions, but we need to go,” Remus ordered. “United States President Kim, I apologize for my actions earlier. My intentions were not to harm your people.”

    I wanted to ask more questions, but the President interjected. “Why was that stunt necessary in the first place? Couldn’t the Federation…hold on. The Federation is contacting me right now.”

    “Do not bother,” Remus said. “The Federation is calling to tell you I have escaped their prison. I presume they will label me as unstable and dangerous.”

    “Prison! Remus!” I implored. “Look, I’m not sure what’s going on but let’s calm down and go to the President. We can contact the Federation and figure out the entire situation.”

    Remus’ skin began to change. His gray complexion started turning dark red. I noticed a Silvian’s skin turn blue when in a tranquil mood, but never red like this.

    “There is no time!” Remus whipped out his dark-gray, pistol-shaped weapon from his camouflaged holster and pointed it at me. “We have to move!”

    I kept my hands up in the air. I even offered my phone. His talons would not allow him to hold it but he said one last thing before he ordered me to hang up.

    “President Kim. Remember this. Do not trust the word of the Eirene Federation. They no longer have the best interests of Earth at heart. Be cautious.”

    Remus reached behind his back and revealed a concealed long dark-gray cloak made to camouflage the wearer the same way the Silvians camouflage themselves. Even though I compliantly put on the robe, Remus never lowered his weapon, though his skin returned to its normal gray color. With a touch from Remus’ talon, I was concealed from sight. However, it was clear that Remus could still see me with his eyes. We walked out of the U.N. Building and into the clear night sky. Despite the city lights, I could still see a few stars glimmer peacefully up above as Remus directed me towards his ship.

    “So was the Eirene Federation ever trustworthy?”

    “Yes,” Remus explained. “Unfortunately, the Federation has drastically altered their methods to reach their desired objectives.”

    “What are they planning to do to Earth?”

    “The Federation plans to sell human kind to various reaches of the galaxy as manual labor. With the remaining humans on Earth, they will attempt to maximize the resources of this Solar System and expand their horizons in the Milky Way Galaxy.”

    “So what’s the plan now?” My hands were shaking harder than ever. I took out the entire nicotine box and placed the remaining patches on my arm.

    “I see your wife is still trying to get you to stop your smoking habit. It may be best if your nerves are steadier. I suggest you just have a couple cigarettes. You always seem to have a box on you.”

    I chuckled a bit. “Well, if I’m being threatened by someone at gunpoint, how could I say no?” I reached into my back pocket and took a few puffs as Remus explained his plan.

    “The Federation will have already piled evidence discrediting me. I doubt my actions tonight will help my case, but it seemed like the only way to get to get your attention without the Eirene Federation figuring out what I was planning.”

    “I probably could’ve thought up a few better ways,” I admitted.

    “Regardless, I have your attention now. With you by my side, I’m hoping to use your listening devices to capture the Federation as they show their true colors.”

    “So we would go to space, capture audio of the Federation, and fly back without getting caught?” I realized Remus did not think the entire plan through, so I made some alterations so we would not need to leave Earth. I directed Remus to my car. I handed him a listening device that he put under the flap of his collar. I made a private call to Jorge with orders to discreetly gather the security team, head to my car, and be ready to record the future transmission. Fortunately, Jorge unquestioningly obeyed my orders.

    “Now,” I told Remus. “When you turn yourself in, do not reveal to them that we are working together. The story is that you held me at gunpoint, and I was complying in fear of my life.”

    We headed towards Remus’ ship. As I expected, Romulus was stationed there, waiting. Most of my squadron, minus Jorge and his personal task force, were also there with their guns at the ready. Romulus spotted Remus and me despite our concealment. My squad pointed the lasers in our general direction. I removed my cloak, pleading for them not to shoot.

    The security team took Remus to the underground terrorist holding cell in New York City. Romulus had contacted his people and stated that the Silvian’s Special Forces, Omega Force, would arrive when at daybreak. As rehearsed, Remus demanded to speak to his brother in a room alone without security cameras or listening devices. Romulus agreed to the conditions. I ordered two members of my team that had not taken the doses of L35 to stand guard outside the door. Once they went inside the bunker, I contacted Jorge and prepared them for the situation.

    I told Remus not to goad Romulus right away into talking about the Federation so he wouldn’t suspect a ruse. While Remus recalled his escape from his jail cell with vivid detail, I contacted President Kim who was in conference with the other World Leaders.

    “After talking to the Eirene Federation,” President Kim explained, “I’m not so sure Remus is mentally sane. They brought up medical proof that could convince any jury on Earth that he was not in the right state of mind. Do you trust him Rafael?”

    As if in response to his question, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a cigarette. My hands were no longer shaking, but I still enjoyed the taste. “Yeah, I trust him. Either way, the recording will reveal the truth. The real question is what your call will be when we get the proof.”

    “The call has already been decided,” President Kim responded. “The U.N. declared that Operation Independence Day would be secretly in effect once again.”

    Operation Independence Day. An ancient plan made in the early 21st century in case extraterrestrial life decided to take over Earth. We would waive the white flag of surrender and would keep waving it until our technology could finally match the enemy in astronomical warfare.

    During my service on Earth’s SWAT team, Independence Day was never active. The Eirene Federation was dead set on making sure Earth was at peace. Earth would be so much easier to conquer with our people divided, so the World Leaders saw no reason to distrust them. My hands weren’t shaking anymore, but that sinking feeling started to rise up again. Right now, there was no way human kind could win this battle. Not right away. I decided to let the President go and listen in to the conversation.

    “So why earth?” Remus asks. “The rest of this solar system is barren of life but rich with materials. Why is it necessary to enslave the humans?”

    “Brother.” Romulus explains, “Do not equate the vision of the Eirene Federation to slavery. The Earthling population grows exponentially every year. It is only through their primitive warmongerings that the Earthlings have survived this long without proper population control. We are doing the Earthlings a favor by limiting their population. We would also be granting them the opportunity to explore other planets and give them the opportunity to help out their fellow members of the Eirene Federation.”

    “The same way the Earthlings treat farm animals? They can be much more than beasts of labor.”

    “Hardly,” Romulus explained. “Earthlings have been documented to have existed for only 5000 of their years. In comparison to Earth time, we Silvians have lasted for millions of years. Their primal instinct still drives their behavior. They have only proven to be a power hungry species. They must dominate over all other life forms. If the Eirene Federation stuck to its normal objectives for assimilating a new planet, it would only be a matter of time before the humans tried to take over the universe.”

    “So you plan to take over the Earth before the Earthlings take over us?”

    “No one is taking over anything,” Romulus advocated. “Why are you so blind, brother? The Federation still believes in promoting peace. We just want to minimize the risk of war.”

    I lit another cigarette as Romulus confirmed Remus’ warnings. Just another monologue of a moron trying to justify his inhumane actions.

    “Earth is a perfect example of why your methods will fail,” Remus countered. “Dozens of dictators on Earth had similar thought processes. Eventually, the proletariat will rise up and overthrow the regime.”

    “The Federation is not instigating war. We are not attempting to conquer anything. If our mission fails, it would only be because of your twisted perception of the dream of the Eirene Federation.”

    “Not the entire Eirene Federation,” Remus declared. “There are plenty who agree with me. All I would need to do is broadcast their voices to a select few on earth, and your vision would crumble.”

    I nearly swallowed his cigarette when hearing this. Other rebels within the Federation? Why would he reveal that? Why didn’t he mention that before?

    I couldn’t see Romulus, but I could hear his slithering hiss over the listening device.

    “Well,” Romulus states, “I guess I might have to put a stop to that then, wouldn’t I?”

    “Crap!” I screamed. Nothing good could come from Romulus’ words.

    “Where are you going?” Jorge cried out to me as I dashed towards the bunker.

    “He’s going to kill Remus!” So I believed. But there was no way in hell I was going to wait and find out if I was correct.

    When I arrived, I witnessed the two guards holding Remus back as Romulus stared with amusement. I noticed the corners of Romulus’ beak bent slightly upwards.

    “My men called me here. What happened?” I panted my words, still trying to catch my breath.

    “Well,” Romulus explained. “I was trying to get my brother to admit he needs help, until-”

    “Cut the act!” Remus cried out. “We caught you on audio. Your plan’s out in the open.”

    I genuinely turned with a confused look at Remus wondering what propelled him to say such a thing, and gave that same confused expression when I looked at Romulus. The moment Remus lifted his collar and showed Romulus the recording device, my instincts told me to grab my gun in case Romulus attacked. Or to just shoot Remus. But I needed to keep my composure. Everything could still work out.

    “Yes, the audio device.” I coolly explained. “I’m sorry for not explaining earlier Romulus. Before Remus took me hostage, I remember you mentioned that he had something of a mind defect. When I contacted the President, he confirmed these suspicions and gave me the report on Remus’ state of mind.

    “When he first captured me,” I continued, “I tried to rationalize with him. But as you clearly saw, Remus doesn’t know when to shut up.” I emphasized the last sentence while staring directly at Remus. He took the hint and opened his beak in shocked silence. I couldn’t tell if that was a Silvian reaction or just an action he mimicked when studying humans, but my gut told me he took the hint and was acting.

    “So I just decided to go along with his words. The device is defective, nothing more than a broken pin. It’s very unfortunate to have to see your brother this way.” I tossed the device to Remus, holding my poker face as long as I could, hoping he bought the story.

    As always, Romulus’ expression was unreadable. I couldn’t tell if he bought my story or not. He gazed into my eyes, trying to figure out if I was telling the truth. At that moment, I realized why I felt he looked at me as an equal. Romulus believed my job proved his assertions correct. He believed that I would side with him on this argument. I don’t know if his logic is sound, but I do know his methods were wrong. From my very first mission on SWAT, I realized the ends never justified the means.

    “I am terribly sorry for the actions of my brother,” Romulus responded with a neutral tone. “Hopefully, once Omega Force arrives, he will be taken care of by the best doctors around.”

    “I hope so,” I said, knowing Remus wouldn’t be sent to a doctor. Even if Romulus believed me, Remus would still likely be sent to another jail cell, maybe even executed. I really hated myself for this, but I couldn’t stop Romulus from taking his brother either, not if he was telling the truth about the Rebellion. Once Romulus left to join the World Leaders and to send a status report to the Eirene Federation, I spoke privately with Remus.

    The first words out of Remus were an apology. “I should have recognized that it was premature to reveal our operation.”

    “Everything worked out,” I explained. “But I need to know. Were you telling the truth about other members of the Rebellion? Is there a faction of the Federation on your side?”

    “Yes,” he confirmed. “I did not want to contact them before having the Earth join our forces. There is a fair number on our side, but with the Earth’s population we could easily turn the tides.”

    “Then I have to give you one more mission. When you get back, contact one of the members of the Rebellion and tell them to get in contact with me discreetly. The Earth will maintain our façade with the Eirene Federation, but we’re willing to help out the rebellion.”

    Remus began tapping his talons on the side of his body. “Contact rebellion. Tell them to contact you. Be discreet.” He kept repeating the phrase repeatedly under his breath, but I felt like he had other things on his mind.

    I gazed into his eyes and saw a defeated individual. “Well, I realized there were few options where I could get out of this alive. I tried to fight my fate as long as I could, but at least I will die knowing that I gave you Earthlings a fighting chance.” He gave me a Silvian grin.

    “Don’t say that. The Earthling mindset isn’t always wrong. It’s okay to occasionally to put your survival over rationality. I’ve witnessed criminals with crimes much worse than yours not be given death sentences. Who knows, maybe once this is over we’ll get together and laugh about this someday.” I clasped my hand over his shoulder. Remus flinched, but softened his muscles when he realized it was an Earth custom for consoling someone.

    It turned out I was partially right. This wasn’t the right time to make the announcement. I just didn’t consider the idea that the Eirene Federation didn’t believe in the Earth. I guess history could just blame the incident on them for giving Earth the green light to reveal extraterrestrial life in the first place.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gregory House
    Right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is — maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is — doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    Hmm, not to bad I liked it. Few criticisms thouh... pace wise it seemed a bit slow, like some parts were just stretched for no reason. Also, came across a bit amateurishly to me, but I don't know how long you've been writing so that will probably improve over time. Few grammatical errrs spotted, and could probably be done better in third person instead of first... maybe. Just seems like you were battling which one mentally at some points. I also felt it was overtly descriptive in a this is this, that is that, kind of way.lastly, dialogue came across as odd at times, try reading it outloud to yourself for that though.

    Overall, i think it's a decent starting point. You just need to keep at it, and take criticms to mind while always maintaining your vision. Look forwRd to reading more.

    Sorry about spelling errrs, typing quite quickly from my nook.
    Why are Germans so coldblooded? *puts on sunglasses* They're from Brrrlin. "Kubooooooo YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH"

  3. #3
    The Tetsuo Ishimaru of AP Gizmo's Avatar
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    Post Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    Why am I posting this now? Anyways, here's another short story I've written. I'm hoping I will continue/start over my story Trials and Tribulations and maybe even start a new ongoing story. But before that it'd be nice to get some feedback on my general writing issues before reattempting those stories.


    Absentminded
    Spoiler:

    Stanley is on the bus heading towards the mall to pick up a gift for his girlfriend. He would rather take the car, but Tiffany used it to get to work and he woke up too late to offer to drop her off. Given he forgot the last few special occasions, Stanley is hoping to surprise his girlfriend this time around. Stanley is so preoccupied figuring out his plans for their anniversary tomorrow he fails to realize he’s already inside the jewelry store. He greets the cashier, picks up his gift, and gets ready to pay with no problems.

    But when Stanley reaches to get his wallet, all he feels is the hard metallic casing surrounding his phone. His left hand digs into the very bottom of his left pocket and all he finds are fuzzy lint balls. Maybe it’s in my other pocket. All he hears when patting over his right pocket is the dangling of his keys and a slight knocking from his glasses case. Jacket pockets? Empty. Back pockets? I never use them, but maybe this time…nothing there either. He examines the floor behind him but only discovers high-heels, Ugg boots, and the asymmetrical pattern of three lines of white or yellow followed by some cross shape of dark green zigzagged across the floor.

    Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Retracing his steps, Stanley scans the floor just in case it had somehow fallen from his pocket during the short distance from the bus stop. No luck. And the bus is long gone.

    Why today? I’ll head home and then… my bus pass is in my wallet. Damn. I could walk home, but that would take a few hours. Maybe somebody could give me a ride… but who? Tiffany is on her lunch break right now… Why fuckin’ today?

    He calls her but as it rings he realizes he should come up with a cover story first to explain why he’s at the mall. Tiffany picks up her phone before he comes up with his story.

    “Hey, what’s up?”
    “Hey sweetie. Could you pick me up from the mall,” Stanley asks. “I…lost my wallet on the bus.”
    Stanley hears Tiffany sigh. “Where did you last see it,” she asks. “Maybe you just left it at home? You do that with your keys all the time.”
    Right, because I could get on the bus without my wallet. Instead, Stanley explains, “I had it with me. I took the bus to get here, and my pass was in my wallet.”
    “Alright I’ll see you soon.”

    About 15 minutes later, Tiffany arrives in her car. Stanley gives her a quick peck on the cheek before diverting his attention out the passenger window. He still hasn’t come up with a good excuse for being at the mall.

    “So how did you lose your wallet,” Tiffany asks.
    Like I lost it on purpose. “It’s not like I planned this,” Stanley retorts. “It just happened.”
    “Do you remember when you last had it?”
    “If I did,” Stanley slowly articulates, “I would know where it was.”
    Tiffany rolls her eyes and shakes her head disapprovingly. “So what's in your wallet?”
    “My bus pass. My credit card. Driver’s license.” The $250 I was planning to use for our date tomorrow, not to mention the money for your gift. That condom we didn’t use because you decided to work that extra shift on our only day off last week. And you always say you’re so tired after work, even though I can come home after a day of work and am still willing to…
    “Stanley,” Tiffany snaps him back to reality. “You okay? Will you be okay without your wallet?”
    No need to cause her extra worry. “I’ll be fine. I’ll cancel my credit card. If I need money, I could always go to the bank, though you’ll have to drive me. Sorry about that.”
    “We could drive to the bank now if you need some cash,” Tiffany insists.
    “It'll be okay. Thanks again for picking me up.”
    “Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal.”
    They drive the rest of the way in silence. Stanley is grateful that Tiffany didn’t ask why he had gone to the mall and spends the rest of the car ride trying to figure out how to make tomorrow work.

    When they arrive at home, Stanley gets a call from an unknown number. It turns out the bus driver had found his wallet during his routine search at the end of the line.
    “That’s great,” Tiffany states. “Good thing he called before you canceled your cards.”
    “Yeah. You were definitely right about leaving my phone number in my wallet. The bus driver said he'll meet me back at the mall next time his bus drive through there.”
    “That's good. Why were you there anyways?”
    “...no reason. Just wanted a bite to eat.”
    “Figures,” Tiffany smirks. “You forgot again, didn’t you?”
    “No! What? That... I didn't mean... What are you talking about?”
    “You didn't make plans for our anniversary tomorrow did you? It's not a big deal. I was thinking about working late tomorrow anyways. Janice really needs someone to cover for her.”
    “I didn't forget. And don't make plans tomorrow night, I already have plans for us.”
    “Really,” Tiffany scoffs. “What plans?”
    “Well I was hoping to surprise you.”
    “Okay then.” She says incredulously. “Anyways, you could just drop me off so you can use the car to get to the mall.”
    “Fine, but seriously I made plans,” he says as he walks towards the car. He reaches the car and pulls on the handle, and learns the hard way that the door's locked.
    “Hey Stanley,” calls Tiffany. Stanley turns around and sees Tiffany twirling the keys around her finger.
    “Heh.” Stanley slightly reddens as Tiffany chuckles and tosses the keys to him.

    A few minutes into the drive, Tiffany's phone beeps.
    “Janice is confirming if I'm covering her shift. It's not that big of a deal if we postpone our dinner for another night, right?”
    “I planned a lot more than dinner this time around.”
    “Really? I'd like to hear what you came up with in five minutes.”
    “That's not funny,” he says, glaring at her. “Right after dinner, I was going to take us to the park. I had trouble making reservations but I was planning on taking us on those carriage rides they offer around this time of year. Steve told me about it and said they accept walk-ups.”
    “I think I know why you had trouble with the reservations. Tracy was telling me about it too and how they went all around the city. When I asked her about prices, Tracy told me that it's off season for the carriages.”
    “That's not true. They're always offered until the end of March.”
    “Their off season started two weeks ago.”
    “I just checked their website yesterday. They said until the first week of April.”
    At the stoplight. Tiffany shows him their website on her phone. She's right. Turns out Stanley had looked at last year's dates.
    “That's stupid. Why would they arbitrarily change when their off season starts?”
    “You're not wrong...but since those plans fell through can I tell Janice yes?”
    “Well I was hoping we'd catch the 10:00 double feature for Just Love Me.”
    “Except you have to wake up at 5 tomorrow for work. We can watch that anytime.”
    “It’s our anniversary, and I thought you'd be more excited. You loved Do You Love Me.”
    At that moment Stanley's phone starts beeping. Tiffany checks the caller I.D.
    “It's your work. You want me to answer it for you?”
    “Don't worry about it. I'll call them back later.”
    “Anyways, we can watch movies at home. And if we are celebrating, I want it to be about us, not us watching other people.” On that note Stanley arrives in the parking lot of Tiffany's work.
    She caresses Stanley's shoulder. “I'll admit it seems you surprisingly remembered a date on the calendar without me having to remind you for once. But we’ll spend all Sunday together. It’ll be fine.” She gives him a soft pat before heading out of the car.

    The gesture's nice, but I don't need to be patronized. I'll admit, I forget things from time to time, but it’s not like she’s perfect either. She always to avoid hanging out with my family when they visit. She even makes excuses to avoid Steve and Tracy. Though I’m getting tired of Steve and Tracy’s constant invites to cheese and wine tasting at their place too. We get it, your parents own a famous winery. Don’t need that constant reminder every week.


    Next thing Stanley knows, he's being handed his wallet back. Once he has it, he checks the contents. Thankfully, nothing’s missing. The money's still there. His ID. Bus pass. The condom. Stanley comes across something else in his wallet too, the pictures of the two of them on their first date.

    Stanley met Tiffany their senior year in college and were chemistry lab partners, but it took the entire semester for the two to start dating. After finishing their final lab report, he offered to treat her out to dinner. Her answer was so simple. A quick “Sure I could eat.” If Stanley knew it was that easy, he would’ve asked her out weeks ago. Then again, a few weeks into dating she admitted if he wasn't so cute she probably would have choked him out for always forgetting when lab assignments were due.
    They ate pho at the mall by their college and browsed a few shops before it closed. Even back then, Tiffany wasn’t a movie going person. She turned down watching the latest superhero flick Save Us (though it turned out she enjoyed the film more than he did when she finally relented and they saw the movie a week later).
    The two ended their date in the photo booth right next to the exit. The first picture is a cute smiling picture. The second picture is the obligatory goofy picture, and another goofy picture came after that. The last picture captured their first kiss. They ended up making out in the booth and only stopped after hearing the five minute warning that the mall was closing.

    Stanley looks at the picture fondly. I'm surprised she kept putting up with me. On the other hand, we did ace the class so it's not like she should've complained that much. He walks towards the jewelry store, clutching the pictures firmly in his hand. The same employer is waiting for him at the register.

    “Welcome back sir. Are you ready to pick up your gift?”
    “...on second thought, do you mind if we look in that section for a bit?”

    After spending about an hour at the store, Stanley finally finds the right engagement ring and puts his first down payment. It's a lot more expensive than what I originally was going to get her.

    Yet he keeps on fiddling with the case; each time the box opens, the sun hits the diamond in just the right way for it to sparkle. Worth it. Anyways it’s about time. It’s been four years.

    That evening, he heads to her bio-tech lab to pick her up. He arrives about 20 minutes after the office normally closes since Tiffany always ends up staying late doing some last minute touch up on her research and pulls up in an almost empty parking lot. He doesn't work there, but he's been attempting to set up his company to collaborate with them on their research for the latest Alzheimer's breakthroughs. So when he shows up to the front desk, the sixty year old secretary recognizes him and waves hi.

    “Hey Liz. Know where I can find Tiffany?”
    “Probably in the basement lab. Give me a sec and I'll open the door for you.”
    “Thanks. Speaking of which, I could use a woman's opinion.” Stanley shows her the engagement ring.
    “That's gorgeous. You going to ask her tonight?”
    “Tomorrow night. It's our anniversary so I wanted to surprise her with something big. Plus, that's one less date I'd have to keep remembering if I propose tomorrow.”
    “That's so terrific. Wish you two all the best. Speaking of which. Heard about the partnership. Sorry to hear about that.”
    “Sorry about what?”
    “That the funding fell through. I heard the higher ups had to halt collaboration on the Alzheimer's project. Your company hasn't gotten the news yet?”
    “What? No I...” then he thought for a second and then frantically reached for his phone. His company left him a few voicemails earlier that he hasn't checked. Stanley starts pinching his nose in frustration. “Our company invested so much into the project…”
    “I'm sorry to hear that dear.” She takes her bag and starts scurrying through its contents. “I realize it's not much, but I brought a bunch of fresh picked oranges from home today. Would you like one?”

    Stanley’s poking his fingernails into the skin of his orange as he walks towards the lab. No one is in the office right now. I'll call my boss as soon as I get home and sort it out. This is way too sudden. John said the funding was a lock. I thought the business meeting went well toowell tool.

    His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of male grunting echoing in the hallway. There's either a gym down here or someone's getting some office loving.

    Soon, his thoughts are confirmed when he hears some male moaning. Good for him. Guess something good should happen to someone today. Stanley soon hears some female moans joining in. After a few seconds, he starts to think these moans sound familiar. Very. familiar. He reaches the lab door and punches in the code to confirm his worst fears.

    Stanley stares with his mouth gaping as he sees his girlfriend getting ravaged by some lanky glasses-wearing dude. Tiffany screams as she locks eyes with Stanley and pushes the guy she's fucking away. Getting a better look, Stanley recognizes that it’s John. His pants and underwear are pulled down but not taken off. When Tiffany's push knocks him backwards, John lands on his bare ass. Tiffany goes to help pick the guy up, but as she holds him to help him get up. That’s the moment when Stanley recovers from his shock and turns around.

    He slams the lab door in anger as he paces the hallway back and forth, spouting nonsense. The words “John” and “fucked over” are muttered multiple times. After a couple dozen paces Stanley realizes Tiffany is waiting in front of the lab door, alone. Her eyes are puffy red.

    “Stanley,” Tiffany cracks, barely holding back the sobs down her throat.
    “You still need a ride, right,” Stanley sharply asks her. Tiffany gives a slight nod.
    “Well go ask the GUY YOU WERE BANGING.” He takes a deep breath and snorts through his nostrils. “Come back to the house later tonight. We need to talk about this. Just not now.”

    And with that he turns around, heads to the parking lot and speeds home. What a fuckin’ day. I’ve been told there's always a silver lining to everything. What's it today? Definitely not that my company’s Alzheimer’s research and tens of thousands of dollars are probably going to be useless now. My anniversary? I get to celebrate knowing my girlfriend is cheating on me. Fucking John! He screwed me over so bad…I…damn it! I guess I got my wallet back without anything being stolen. Then again, I did just drop a lot of money on this engagement ring. At least I didn't propose tonight. Looks like I might have to return it. Shoot. I wasn’t paying attention when the cashier was explaining the return policy. I think there was something about the down payment being non-refundable...CRASH!!! Down goes the stop sign.

    Luckily the car is only slightly scratched. But Stanley doesn't care. He almost wants to bang up the car even more, but he restrains himself. Before he realizes it, he's checking his email. Apparently his company has sent him multiple messages explaining the collaboration fallout and mandates his presence in a conference meeting tomorrow to discuss “the future of the company.”

    He tries his best to focus on answering his conference call tomorrow, but his mind keeps flashing to the sparkle of the engagement ring and a pale butt rocking up and down. The grunts of his girlfriend and her lover are pounding in his head for hours on end. 8:30 becomes 11:30 and turns into 12:45. Tiffany's still not home. At 1:15 in the morning Stanley finds himself sitting on a chair waiting for the front door to open. Finally Tiffany comes home, but by then Stanley is so tired he's having trouble reading the time on his phone. We need to talk...

    Stanley groggily wakes up after a long rest. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he realizes he’s in a hospital bed, and sees Tiffany holding his hand, tears dropping as he returns her grip. “What’s going on,” he asks.
    The doctor comes in shortly to explain the situation.

    “You were in a car accident that created a severe brain concussion along with some other internal damage. You've gone through some surgery, but post-op is looking good. How are you feeling?”
    “Slightly nauseous. And there’s some slight throbbing up here.”
    “We'll keep monitoring. Now I just got to ask some routine questions. What's your name.”
    “Stanley. Sorry to skip ahead doc but I think I'm fine. No real memory problems.”
    “Really,” Tiffany asks, her lips quivering. “You didn't remember how you got here.”
    “That might be normal though,” Stanley remarks, trying to laugh it off. Tiffany’s still silent.
    “What's the last thing you remember,” asked the doctor.
    “Well, I was planning on going to the jewelry store tomorrow...to pick you up something.”
    “Tomorrow,” Tiffany asks. “What day do you think it is?”
    “Two days before our anniversary.” Stanley replies. “Shocking right? I didn't forget this time.”
    Last edited by Gizmo; April 2nd, 2013 at 12:05 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gregory House
    Right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is — maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is — doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    NITPICK TIME!
    -"Stanley is on the bus..." Sorry, but this sentence makes me cringe. This might be a personal thing, but I am not a big fan of present tense usage in literature outside of dialogue. Also the word "is" is too passive. The sentence should be written like this: "Stanely sat on the bus for the (mall name) mall."
    -1st paragraph is full of passive descriptions. Show us this stuff through dialogue (internal or external) or by actions that allows the readers to come to that conclusion. You could provide explicit thoughts going through his mind that demonstrates his preoccupation with the anniversary and have him suddenly "snap" out of it and realize he is at the jewelry store.

    How I would have written the scene in the first paragraph:
    -Start with internal monologue of him on the bus thinking about the anniversary. Have him spot a few things either outside of the bus or inside which triggers some concerns about the anniversary. This would help "describe" the fact that he's on the bus towards the mall and also help demonstrate his preoccupation with the anniversary. While he is lost in a lengthy internal monologue, I would cut away from it by having a clerk/cashier or someone at the jewelry store addressing him, "Can I help you?" (or something). This would snap him out of his preoccupation thus demonstrating that he arrived at the store without even knowing it.

    You could also spend some time here selecting the particular jewlery and giving more insight into how he selected it (what sort of preoccupations might occur here? Does he remember what type of jewlery his gal likes? Does he ever get concerned about what happens if he chose the wrong one/size? etc...).

    2-3rd paragraph is okay (still not a big fan of present tense writing).

    4th paragraph: Seems like a pretty weak internal monologue. I would have allocated more monolgue earlier on the bus/jewelry store and just have this scene be action. I would just have him curse audibly and jump into the 5th chapter. I think the reader will already have a good grasp of his personality at this point that he's "worried" about his next course of action (naturally anyone would be) so it is not necessary to demonstrate it with this monologue.

    -"Stanley hears Tiffany sigh" should just be "Tiffany sighs"
    -"where did you last hear it?" (should have a question mark here)
    -There should be another sentence before "Alright, I'll see you soon". Feels like something was skipped.

    Tip:
    -"Stanley retorts" is not necessary. Nor are other verbage words that describes the "saying" like insists, scoffs. The dialogue should be effective enough in demonstrating these emotional contexts. If you feel that they aren't, then the dialogue is not strong enough (or you do not have enough physical actions to demonstrate this) (also how does one use "smirk" as a verb for "talking"?)

    There's more, but I think you get the idea. There's a considerable amount of syntax akwardness with some really passive sentences. Make the action flow a bit better. Also there is a lot of spoon feeding to the audience with not a lot of "showing" (verses a bit of "telling" especially at the start and around the flash back).
    "What? NO MORE DORITOS!? Oh no. OH NO!"

    Congratulations to apologized, this week's recipient of the prestigious Fat Pomeranian Award (5/22)

  5. #5
    The Tetsuo Ishimaru of AP Gizmo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    I never really understood how to write in active voice. My whole damn life is passive! But I always heard active voice is a better way to write story. How does one write in active voice?

    But seriously thanks for the criticism. In a pissy mood right now but I really do appreciate the feedback.

    --- Update From New Post Merge ---

    Quote Originally Posted by valiantt View Post
    -"Stanley retorts" is not necessary. Nor are other verbage words that describes the "saying" like insists, scoffs. The dialogue should be effective enough in demonstrating these emotional contexts. If you feel that they aren't, then the dialogue is not strong enough (or you do not have enough physical actions to demonstrate this) (also how does one use "smirk" as a verb for "talking"?)
    Been told that using says too much gets redundant and stale.
    Last edited by Gizmo; April 4th, 2013 at 11:49 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gregory House
    Right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is — maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is — doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Gizmo View Post
    Been told that using says too much gets redundant and stale.
    Eh I would be careful with passive writing since it kinda feels sluggish (not more exciting than being active which you do a good job at during the faster moments. But the expositions kinda slows things down. It is good to make things flow naturally).

    When I mean by using "said", I don't mean use it every single time.
    "Fred" he said.
    "Yeah?" Fred said.
    "I'm Ted" he said.
    "Okay," Fred said.
    "Thanks" Ted said.

    Definintely it gets repetitive However I feel that using words like "exclaimed, criticized, argued," take away from the dialogue in itself. The dialogue should be already telling us they are exclaiming, criticizing, arguing." You should only use "said" just to indicate who is speaking when it gets confusing so "said" in itself should be used sparingly.

    "How are you?" Fred said to Ted.
    "I'm okay, but-"
    "Hold on," Brad said. "I got something to say first." Ted shot him a nasty look.
    "Don't interrupt me. Seriously, it pisses me off every time."
    "Woah. Woah." Fred stepped in between the two. "Let's both relax."

    As you can see, use the "saying" verbs sparingly and only to indicate who is doing the talking when it gets confusing. Also if you read the text, you can see characters emoting without having words like "argued" and "yelled" to support it. The overall attitude/emotions should be apparent within the dialogue and physical actions/expressions (this is hard to do so it requires some practice). You should try giving a shot by removing the "speaking" verbs and seeing whether the reader could actively guage the character's emotions/actions without it. This is an overall interesting challenge you should consider.
    Ill get into active voice in a moment. It is pretty challenging.
    Last edited by valiantt; April 5th, 2013 at 12:54 AM.
    "What? NO MORE DORITOS!? Oh no. OH NO!"

    Congratulations to apologized, this week's recipient of the prestigious Fat Pomeranian Award (5/22)

  7. #7

    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    This story is a whole of lot of telling and not showing. I can't really get involved with what the main character is thinking and feeling and overall the voice is glaringly bland. Also you kind of give too much attention to minute details. :/

    Lemme show you some examples of how things can be better:
    Hidden:

    Stanley is on the bus heading towards the mall to pick up a gift for his girlfriend. He would rather take the car, but Tiffany used it to get to work and he woke up too late to offer to drop her off. Given he forgot the last few special occasions, Stanley is hoping to surprise his girlfriend this time around. Stanley is so preoccupied figuring out his plans for their anniversary tomorrow he fails to realize he’s already inside the jewelry store. He greets the cashier, picks up his gift, and gets ready to pay with no problems.

    My suggestion:
    Today is Tiffany's turn with the car, leaving Stanley to take the bus. He hopes his wedding proposal will make up for all the special engagements he's forgotten. Or all the other things he's forgotten. Like getting off the bus and walking into the jewelry shop. Preoccupation is a specialty of his and getting the perfect ring is a big one today.

    Even if that's not how you want to do it all the info (minus the ring buying) is there in a shorter package and includes his forgetfulness. The transition from him thinking to getting into the store is still too stark though but the ball is pretty much fully in your court in that one.


    One more:
    Hidden:

    The gesture's nice, but I don't need to be patronized. I'll admit, I forget things from time to time, but it’s not like she’s perfect either. She always to avoid hanging out with my family when they visit. She even makes excuses to avoid Steve and Tracy. Though I’m getting tired of Steve and Tracy’s constant invites to cheese and wine tasting at their place too. We get it, your parents own a famous winery. Don’t need that constant reminder every week.

    My suggestion:
    The gesture's nice, but I don't need to be patronized
    "Stanley?"
    I'll admit, I forget things from time to time, but it’s not like she’s perfect either.
    "Stanley you're ignoring me again."
    She even makes excuses to avoid Steve and Tracy. Though I’m getting tired of Steve and Tracy’s constant invites to cheese and wine tasting at their place too.
    "Hellooooo?"
    We get it, your parents own a famous winery. Don’t need that constant reminder every week.
    "And now you're upset. STANLEY!!"
    The shot brings him out of his reverie.

    There's nothing much changed but being alone with his thoughts doesn't feel like enough. Letting the reader feel him getting sucked in his thoughts would make more of an impact imo. Think about Doug or some other show where you can hear the character thinking. Most likely the thoughts are accompanied by fantasy or the character's facial expressions as they lose touch with the outside world. Finding a way to translate that into text would make things more interesting.


    Overall, an okay story but not my thing. Continue to work though.

    --- Update From New Post Merge ---

    P.S. I believe passive voice involves a lot of descriptions that involve something happening to something else and not an actual happening.
    'Being released' instead of 'released'
    'getting filthy' instead of 'got filthy'

    Something along those lines. Valiantt can probably tell you more it's been a LONG time since I've had to think about passive and active voice.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Gizmo's stories that don't deserve their own thread

    Sorry for being late.

    Passive voice is when the subject of the sentence is being acted upon rather than doing the actual acting. Passive voice sentences are not always easy to spot, but DEAD giveaways are sentences utilizing Is, Was, Were, Are, and Will. The problem with passive voice is that it slows down the reading process and you do a lot more telling rather than showing (not which doesn't mean you shouldn't do any Telling at all, but the reader feels like they're being spoonfed if too much "telling" rather than "showing" happens. Also it is a real drag to read a lot of telling sentences). Sometimes, a poorly placed telling sentence can literally HALT the story. Fortunately for active voice, the story still feels like it is flowing forward.

    These are not too difficult to fix really, but they do require some practice. Mostly it is restructuring the sentence by rearranging words (turning some into verbs or modifying the syntax) or breaking up the sentence.

    Lets try some of your sentences:
    1. Stanley is on the bus...:
    Stanley sits on the bus
    2. All he feels is the hard metallic casing...:
    He feels the hard metallic casing...
    3. His thoughts are confirmed when he hears male groaning...: He hears male groaning and felt a heavy sensation in his gut. I knew it​.

    Just for a bonus. Here is a rewrite of the first paragraph without any passive sentences. Notice how the narrative flows rather than pausing for exposition. (PS Sorry if it sounds a bit wonky. It is a rushed, unedited piece).

    -Stanley sat at the front of the bus with his sweaty palms pressed against each other. He glanced at his watch and scowled. Dammit, if I only had the car, I'd be able to make to the mall on time. Too bad Tiffany needed it to get to work, but who can blame her? It's my own damn fault for oversleeping. A pair of voices whispered behind him and giggled. He tilted his head to face a young couple wrapped in each other's arms. The man dangled a golden necklace before the woman's wide eyes. He mumbled into her ear which caused her to squeal in delight and snatch the gift from his hand. Stanley turned away and sighed. Everything needs to go perfect for Tiffany tomorrow. I know I can't make up for forgetting the last few birthdays and anniversaries, but, still, maybe this surprise will be a step in the right direction. Okay...what's first? He closed his eyes and reviewed the plan step by step. By the fourth step, he heard a woman's voice.
    "Can I help you sir?"
    "Wah?" He found himself standing in front of a row of glittering necklaces.
    "Are you okay?" the clerk asked.
    "Oh yeah, um sorry. Just lost in thought." He rubbed his eyelids. I don't even remember getting off the bus, let alone entering the jewelry store.


    As you can see, the sentences feel like they are progressing the plot rather than pausing to describe something. The descriptions are inherent within the action (the character is doing something but it still describes aspects of him without directly telling the reader that Stanley is forgetful, worried, etc...).
    "What? NO MORE DORITOS!? Oh no. OH NO!"

    Congratulations to apologized, this week's recipient of the prestigious Fat Pomeranian Award (5/22)

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