It was a bright day outside, with the sun looking down on our humble sphere with his summer shades just looking badass as all hell.
We enter the house of Big Bang Theory, who is a heavy-set, disgusting piece of shit. Big Bang Theory always had this habit of regurgitating half-hearted, wordy phrases about technology. They were rather catchy, so there were always crowds of people surrounding his house, "viewers" as we might call them, who would cling onto everything he said and then regurgitate the regurgitated via the Internet.
Big Bang Theory rather liked the attention. Though that was true, he had to eat, and the only ways out of the house were blocked. Big Bang Theory liked to gorge itself on the tears of angry neckbeards like myself, so it would venture to basements world-wide to collect them.
After much struggling (but not quite as much the brainpower required to google technology or equations then say them in a funny way), he had done it.
He thought of a way out. He would simply avoid their expectations. He approached his doorway, much to the delight of rabid fanboys. As soon as it opened, deafening cries were heard... "THE PROPHET HAS ARRIVED!" "BESTOW YOUR WISDOM ON US, O' GREAT LORD!" "LAUGH LIKE A FERRET LIKE YOU DO ON THE SHOW!"
He responded the only way he could. Much to his sadness, the moment the crowd saw his lips parting to make the next greatest joke of all time, he simply said, "Nahhh, sorry guys, got a kegger waiting for me that I've gotta down. Gonna go take my truck, Betsy, for a spin and light up the night, know what I'm saying?"
The crowd sighed disappointedly. Reassuring each other it was only a temporary phase with hands placed on each other's shoulders as they walked away, they left the scene. The facade was a success; he had emulated a pure-bred jock.
With a used 2 liter Coca Cola™ (THIS STORY HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE COCA COLA CORPORATION AND THIS USER WAS ISSUED A CEASE AND DESIST FOR INFRINGING COPYRIGHT), Big Bang Theory set off on his journey to collect the delicious tears it so loved.
But everything was not well. As Big Bang Theory walked down the streets, he kept getting the feeling he was being watched. And he was! There was actually a car driving right behind him this entire time. A man with squinty eyes and a pencil-thin mustache leaned out of the truck and said, "'EY!"
Big Bang Theory looked back in terror. The man continued his onslaught, "Why don't you get on over here, baby! Got a thing for shitty shows such as yourself!"
Big Bang Theory sped up his pace, but there was nowhere to hide. As Big Bang Theory slowed to a stop, the man creaked up with his white van of sexual assault, chloroform stowed in the back and all. "...Bazinga," the man said drunkily, gazing down with villainous intent at BBT.
Like a penguin that was stoned out of his mind, he waddled down the streets with vigor, exercising no restraints on his legs which were surely at their breaking point. To rejuvenate itself, Big Bang Theory recited math equations, which brought back a few of his loyal fans from alleyways to cheer him on (and they of course tweeted to their friends how nerdy and awesome BBT running was). This gave him just enough energy to escape into a house that was handily provided by a fan.
"Y-you saved me..." was said as BBT splayed himself onto the couch, hearing an odd clicking sound. "That's no good, I've made muffins, why don't you come over to the dining table?" an inviting voice offered. His life had just been saved, so he had no choice but to oblige.
He was sat down at an... oddly decorated table, lit with center-placed candles, cloth set out with the corners tidied up...
As they began to dine on their muffins (with forks and knives because fuck you it's a fancy table), a confession was made.
"Big Bang Theory... I... I've always wanted to meet you. You provide my life with light. May I ask... how do you do it? How do you so consistently fill my life with frothing ecstacy week after week with your jokes? Please tell me, Big Bang Theory. I... may not let you leave if you don't."
Big Bang Theory squeezed out beads of sweat from his forehead filled with tension, afraid to reveal that the dull and boring secret of the process of googling was his trump card and that he wasn't actually attuned with geek culture at all!
Big Bang Theory swallowed his breath, closed his eyes, and heard faint cries of the bearded fellow that was just trying to kill him outside driving his truck around their house screaming, "BAZINGA! BAZINGAAAAAA! BAZINGGGGGGGGODDAMnit I'm out of beer. I'll be back!!!"
Knowing that this could be the end, he bore his terrible secret to the stranger.
The stranger was in shock, his hands to his mouth, while knife for the delicious muffin he was eating slipped from his fingers and slammed dramatically on the table. "I... I had no idea... Big Bang Theory, I think I'm falling for you even more. That's like... That's like the cavemen bestowing fire on the world with the simple tool of a stick. I had no idea that was all you're working with! I'm thrilled!"
The stranger was filled with glee, and decided to reveal his name (because I'm tired of referring to him as DA STRANGA). His name was simply Snufferz. Snufferz and Big Bang Theory inched closer to each other by the candlelight. Big Bang Theory thought no one could accept him after a revelation like that, but it happened right before his eyes.
Snufferz and Big Bang Theory's lips met each other's. When they were finished, they decided it was a pretty bad kiss actually because BBT was dehydrated from lack of manbeard tears. The crusty kiss would have to do for now, though.
The moment wouldn't last long, however. The bearded man was back from his beer run, and was growing more impatient and intoxicated by the second. His shouts became more vague. "BRUHHH... BRUHZINGER... BRUHHH ZANGARRRRR..." The cacophonous sound emanated through the neighborhood. Finally, he had enough, did the only thing he could and drove the truck into the house.
He arose from his truck, dust and smoke rising in the house, glass shards scattered on the floor (oh and one landed in Big Bang Theory's eye).
Seeing his soon-to-be-husband in deep pain from the glass, Snufferz took the candleware that was on the dinner table and wielded it like a trident.
The bearded man stood flimsily with his beer bottle in hand, and said, "Yer' not good enough for him. WHERE'S YER MEAT, KID? YER ALL SKIN AND BONES! BIG BANG THEORY HERE NEEDS A *BIG* MANNNN LIKE ME!"
"Skin and bones, huh? We'll see about that..." Snufferz said, in a noticeably more manly tone. Pecks emerged from his chest as his body filled out. A 6-pack of steel, biceps that could make you fall to your knees just from the sight of them, and a muscly finger pointing downwards at the drunken hobo assured his fate was sealed. "...Omae wa shindeiru." "WAHHHHHH... ATATATATATATATATATATA!!" Kensnuffero wailed as he stabbed the hobo with his candle repeatedly.
But it was no use. The hobo was already deep in Drunksville and almost had the stamina of Kenshiro. He smashed the beer bottle on his car and proceeded to swing it with destructive force. Dramatic music played on the TV played because it was set to do that and they dueled, man to man, beer bottle to candle fixture.
The weapons continued to swing at each other ad infinitum until the hobo remembered his ultimate attack in his drunken stupor. Just as Kensnuffero was about to gain the lead on him, quiet bazingas could be heard throughout the house. They grew louder. And louder. What was causing the noise? Beards that were growing throughout the house. Beards on the walls, beards on the cat in the other room, hell even beards on beards. All screaming horribly, "BAZINGA!"
Finally, it had become too much. Kensnuffero was having a seizure from all the noise. The hobo guy noticed this was having an effect on him, so he whispered in his ear one final, "...Bazinga, bitch."
Kensnuffero was absorbed by the beards of the floor into the darkness, leaving only Big Bang Theory and the hobo left.
"I'm gonna make you squeal math equations so long that you'll think you were actually smart," he uttered to BBT. BBT was chained up in a bunch of beards so it wasn't like there was any choice anyway, he had to do it with this strange hobo man.
The hobo had his way with Big Bang Theory for many days and nights.
BBT's brain energy was exhausted past its limits from the jock line he thought of from what seemed like eons ago, but his motors finally sputtered enough for him
to think of a way out. "I know you're busy banging me and everything and I don't wanna ruin the mood, but did you know there's muffins?"
"Whoa wait, seriously? Are you shitting me right now? Well then what the hell am I doing here!?" the hobo man dude guy said as he darted off towards the muffins and feasted on the stale muffins
Big Bang Theory ran out of the big hole in the house (the police were too busy watching clips of Big Bang Theory in nerdy Sheldon shirts so they couldn't guard the streets to notice the big hole in the wall) and managed to escape.
Big Bang Theory knew he couldn't handle life on his own. Out of his fat folds he grabbed a megaphone, and shouted to the world, "E=MC2!!! PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS! I'M GOING TO PURCHASE THE WINDOWS 8 OPERATING SYSTEM!!"
People cautiously peeked out of the doorways and windows, not sure if what was happening was real. Sure enough, it was! The sight of BBT back lit up everyone's eyes. Children began frolicking in the fields again, the sun put back on his cool shades, and Big Bang Theory reached for the handle of his doorknob...
Then the universe was tired of his shit and initiated a big bang, destroying everything, most notably him.