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Thread: Confession Session II

  1. #2021
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    In the moustachy shadows~

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I feel like the stakes are stacked against me in life.

    This semester, I have to write ~25 pages in Swedish to be able to finally graduate and finish my BA. Also it wouldn't hurt to learn Swedish. Sigh, it seems the first few years of university, which I spent in deep depression, have just came back to bite my ass. Transition is hard on me as well, even though I'm liking the changes testosterone has brought so far. Dysphoria still rears it's ugly head quite often, and sometimes I have to retreat to not get overwhelmed: this usually means either drinking, or playing the whole day away, which is anything but productive. Meanwhile other people are already doing their MA, have fond memories of university and seem to be doing good at the whole adult thing overall.

    I'm struggling to finish university, I'm struggling to go through my transition as ideally as possible and I'm struggling to keep appearing as if I had everything under control.


  2. #2022

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Quote Originally Posted by Nolus View Post
    I feel like the stakes are stacked against me in life.

    This semester, I have to write ~25 pages in Swedish to be able to finally graduate and finish my BA. Also it wouldn't hurt to learn Swedish. Sigh, it seems the first few years of university, which I spent in deep depression, have just came back to bite my ass. Transition is hard on me as well, even though I'm liking the changes testosterone has brought so far. Dysphoria still rears it's ugly head quite often, and sometimes I have to retreat to not get overwhelmed: this usually means either drinking, or playing the whole day away, which is anything but productive. Meanwhile other people are already doing their MA, have fond memories of university and seem to be doing good at the whole adult thing overall.

    I'm struggling to finish university, I'm struggling to go through my transition as ideally as possible and I'm struggling to keep appearing as if I had everything under control.
    Are you still some sort of polyglot? Because that will always be extremely cool to me, and always make me think of how awesome you are.
    Shit must be really hard and rough for you, but you're still cool as shit and don't forget that for a day.

  3. #2023
    Stranger in a Strange Land lr-hr-rh's Avatar
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    Jan 2017
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    Limbo

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Maaan.

    It's always strange for me when I'm reminded there are people out there who don't respond to every setback, actual or imagined, with "well maybe you should just kill yourself?"
    Even stranger, there are people out there with a better response to that question than "yeah maybe...but maybe give it a bit more time? See if it gets any better?"
    ...
    What strange lives such people must lead. I struggle to imagine what it must be like.
    Bet they get more done tho.

    Lucky bastards.
    Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  4. #2024
    The villain eternal. Kylor's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
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    Bellingham, WA

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    So here's a confession for you all. Maybe not the biggest confession in the world, and I know that, like, I barely post here anymore so what right do I have, but I want to actually write this down so... bear with me lol.

    Spoiler:
    For a while now, I've been aware of it for the past three or four months but I know it's been going on for, well, maybe my whole life, I feel like there's this disconnect between myself and others. Or maybe I should say, I think pretty much all my living has been done inside my head, which sucks because I'm keenly aware that there's a world out there with people in it.

    It's difficult to write this down in a way that makes a lick of sense, but even though humans are social animals, I can't seem to get along with the humans in my life. Especially since I've moved to a new town. Not to sound misanthropic or anything, but just looking at those I interact with on a day-to-day basis, the kind of things they're into, and how they relate to each other, feels very... I dunno. Shallow to me. Not in an "I'm better than you all" sense, hell no, it's just, I feel like, even though I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself things, and learn and read, nothing that holds any interest to me or information that I can retain has any relevance, or even grounding, in the small circle of the world that I'm standing in.

    Like a third of me wishes that I could live the kind of life where I could drink wine and philosophize with people in someone's music room or something, while another third wishes I could just talk about pop culture and Japanese cartoons in the sort of outdated, cheesy newsletter-printing anime clubs that don't exist anymore. The other third of me just wants to read books and sip tea by a fireplace while it's raining outside, but I don't make enough money for a fireplace, and it's hard to make that kind of mood at home anyway, the neighbors are far too loud. Instead, most of my interaction is with my coworkers, since most of my day is working. And, you know, they're perfectly nice, but they're also very... I guess, regular college Americana types? Not what I'm describing at all.

    Often it's my instinct to blame my not being where I want on the fact that I'm not working hard enough for it, and I'm trying to fix that. I write as often as I'm able, I've been trying to get more involved locally, basically throwing a lot of things out there and seeing what sticks, which so far hasn't amounted to much. The thing is, I feel like even if I did get what I want, it wouldn't make me happy. In large part, this is just because of who I am. I'm a writer at heart, you see. The person whose words you're reading now (hi!) is NOT the person I am in real life. As a writer, I need this many words to get my thoughts out. As a person, I'm a clumsy, monosyllabic, poorly dressed idiot who can only get two words out after that many drinks. I always just end up feeling condescended to in the fancy crowds, and in the nerdy crowds, my taste veers just enough from the norm to not even be speaking the language of anyone else in the room. (seriously, just go into any anime/manga specialty store, bring up Legend of the Galactic Heroes, and watch the eyes just glaze over, it's a thing of beauty.) So no wonder I can't roll with the crowds I aspire to. But dear me. When I step outside my head, what I bump into makes me want to go back in again.

    Not to say that I think I'm better than the people around me, that because I don't like parties or sports or what's on television that makes me some kind of intellectual. Have you read any of this? I come across as some kind of snobbish prick, don't I? Or maybe I'm just a petulant child who throws out his perfectly nice toys because they're not the exact color he likes. But I'm not trying to sound like any of this is unfair to me, I'm just trying to say, it gets lonely. Dang I'm lonely.


    Not sure where I was trying to go with this, but it's out there now, so maybe it'll be in here less.

  5. #2025
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I'm getting more and more tired by the day. Not sure how long I can keep on pushing forward. July seems so far away and I have to fight so hard to get there.


  6. #2026
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Some of you might've noticed that I haven't been on top of things lately. It all has arrived at a turning point yesterday.

    I have decided not to attempt graduating this semester, but use half a year's time to take some much needed Swedish classes (so this time I can properly learn the language) and deal with other matters that require my attention.

    Aside from Swedish courses, I'm going to learn how to drive and acquire my first driver's license.
    I will get chest reconstruction surgery after I writing the last Finnish test.
    I will get my name changed on degrees and whatnot.
    I will enjoy spring~
    I will buy a bike (finally) and try to stay in shape after surgery till I can go back to weightlifting.

    I've realized that even if the stakes were truly stacked against me in various ways, and even if the factors that lead to this were out of my control, I do have a say in how I approach my problems and how I choose to deal with them.
    I will graduate eventually and I will start studying translation in the future. I will learn Swedish and I will write an awesome essay. I have finally admitted that I need more time and that doesn't make me a failure. It takes me 5 and a half years to complete my bachelor's studies while others finish in 3. However, it's not like I was just sitting and twidling my tumbs in the meantime. No sir, I was busy. I battled depression and won, I got an awesome well-paying job, I've become very much independent, I've discovered who I am and took steps to live as I always should have.

    I had many plans and they all crumbled one after the other for reasons mostly out of my control. I was always able to reevalute and come up with a new plan. When life closed a path with a boulder, I took the risk and ventured off the beaten path. Turns out, the trees and the bushes hide many a road that lead to many different places.

    I guess the reason I'm writing all this is to finally collect my thoughts and maybe give hope to those who might be struggling with the same demons as I.


  7. #2027
    I'm a bad boy! ;) Nitwit's Avatar
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    Mar 2015
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    Warship Island

    Angry Anger with my family at the moment

    My family is treating me like a child when I asked them if they can find work for me. It's really ticking me off the past few years and it's making me want to legally leave my home to a safer place. I don't feel like I should live with them anymore. I'm 25 and with drama crap, I'm losing my mind right now. Should I skip my last semester of college just to move out of them but outta the state as well? I wish I had somebody to tell my stories to. But my folks watch me like a hawk online.

    Need some personal advice on this one...
    I'm NOT a doggy. I am a creature from another world.

  8. #2028

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I don't know all details but from my own experience i'd always suggest to move out.

    Being self depend is not only a great way to grow into physical and mental adulthood, but should also improve your relationship with your parents.

    On the other hand you don't seem to have a job, so you definitely should focus on that first, because you can't achieve the above mentioned points if you don't have the financial independence.

    Why did you ask them for the job search?

  9. #2029

    Default Re: Anger with my family at the moment

    Quote Originally Posted by Nitwit View Post
    My family is treating me like a child when I asked them if they can find work for me. It's really ticking me off the past few years and it's making me want to legally leave my home to a safer place. I don't feel like I should live with them anymore. I'm 25 and with drama crap, I'm losing my mind right now. Should I skip my last semester of college just to move out of them but outta the state as well? I wish I had somebody to tell my stories to. But my folks watch me like a hawk online.

    Need some personal advice on this one...
    I'll be honestv@ 25 you should not expect your parents to support you with anything. The fact that you are is what makes them treat like a child(because u still are, mentally).

    You need agency in your life. Try looking for a part-time job by yourself (try online writing as an example).

    Find a purpose. Live your life and I promise it'll be almost impossible to view your family as a burden
    HOW COME LUFFY NEVER KILLS AN ENEMY?
    ODA:ITS BECAUSE IN THAT ERA EVERYONE USES THEIR LIVES TO FIGHT FOR THEIR DREAMS. FOR AN ENEMY WHEN THEIR DREAM HAS BEEN SHATTERED,IT IS AS PAINFUL AS DEATH,I BELIEVE FOR A PIRATE NOT TO KILL AN ENEMY , IT'S GIVING THEM A SECOND CHANCE TO FIGHT FOR THEIR DREAMS.

  10. #2030
    I'm a bad boy! ;) Nitwit's Avatar
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    Warship Island

    Default Re: Anger with my family at the moment

    Quote Originally Posted by kevo_koma View Post
    I'll be honestv@ 25 you should not expect your parents to support you with anything. The fact that you are is what makes them treat like a child(because u still are, mentally).

    You need agency in your life. Try looking for a part-time job by yourself (try online writing as an example).

    Find a purpose. Live your life and I promise it'll be almost impossible to view your family as a burden
    I try looking online like GameStop. But half of the opening takes place in other states. :/

    Also, it goes much deeper than the just grown man fighting over his parents. I can't reveal it for personal reasons but let's just say It's a real-life dysfunctional equivalent of Family Guy but in a foreign language.

    But yes, I'll try to find it online. But no Craigslist. That's full of crime and murderers there.
    I'm NOT a doggy. I am a creature from another world.

  11. #2031
    Discovered Stowaway thegab's Avatar
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    Jul 2015
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    US- Midwest

    Default Re: Anger with my family at the moment

    Quote Originally Posted by Nitwit View Post
    I try looking online like GameStop. But half of the opening takes place in other states. :/

    Also, it goes much deeper than the just grown man fighting over his parents. I can't reveal it for personal reasons but let's just say It's a real-life dysfunctional equivalent of Family Guy but in a foreign language.

    But yes, I'll try to find it online. But no Craigslist. That's full of crime and murderers there.
    Indeed.com is a great site for job searching from my experience. Just gotta start applying to places even if you don't think it's a fit for you. Don't be afraid of giving those jobs a shot because they may surprise you

  12. #2032
    I'm a bad boy! ;) Nitwit's Avatar
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    Warship Island

    Default Re: Anger with my family at the moment

    Quote Originally Posted by thegab View Post
    Indeed.com is a great site for job searching from my experience. Just gotta start applying to places even if you don't think it's a fit for you. Don't be afraid of giving those jobs a shot because they may surprise you
    Hopefully, your right fam.
    I'm NOT a doggy. I am a creature from another world.

  13. #2033
    The English Avenger Satsuki's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
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    Well hidden

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Retail is never a bad place to start, because it teaches you how to deal with customers, so don't knock it at first.

  14. #2034

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Edit: Edited out.
    Last edited by Zack; June 15th, 2018 at 07:29 PM.

  15. #2035
    Champion Worrier Zar's Avatar
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    Mar 2014
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    Whole Cake Island

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I'm somewhat happy and super nervous.

    I just got my first ever job (well, I'm almost there). Just a halftime summer job as a cleaner at a golf club, but it's better than nothing.

    Naturally I'm also more nervous than I should be. Both for doing the job and for socializing with others. Thankfully the lady in charge seems super kind, we'll have a "trial" day where she'll do all the chores alongside me and then a test week (paid!) to see if I'm fit for the job or not. She was even open with that I shouldn't force myself to do a job I'm not comfortable with, because that'll just be bad for everyone. And it's out in the nature too, close to home so there's barely any travel time.

    But I'm still so nervous about screwing up or not being able to face the ickier stuff like toilets. Same thing with working every day of the week (even if it's just four hours). But worst of all is the nervousness itself, because that's just making things worse. I can't relax, I feel stressed out, and I wish it could just go away. And that's gonna happen whatever job I get, so better get it out now in a place with such a kind lady and not at a higher risk job. Not that I look down on the job itself. Cleaning is one hell of an underappreciated position, and the club has a close relationship with their customers. A bad cleaning job could damage their reputation, and for such a small and local place I really want to do my best. But then there's also challenges like findign the balance between being throughout but fast.

    I could go on forever, but I just needed to vent. All for a cleaning job...

  16. #2036

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    . .
    Last edited by Zack; July 7th, 2018 at 07:19 PM.

  17. #2037

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Dude, I want to help you, but I don't know what you want to do.

    You are a programmer, right? Do you want to feel useful? Do you want a freelancing short job? Do you want better timewasters? Do you want better friends?
    3DS FC: 0516-7666-3837
    SW-4128-8032-0729

  18. #2038

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    . .
    Last edited by Zack; July 7th, 2018 at 07:20 PM.

  19. #2039

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Are you in a condition where you need the insurance right now, or it is anxiety of what might happen if you get sick or hurt without insurance?

    Timewasters, or what they really are, fun and good times are also important to do, I'm not the best example as I also overindulge, but consider the importance of R&R time.

    I'd really recomend, besides finding someone to talk about these things, to either take up studying (like hackerrank or codility), an open source project, or a freelancing project, just to keep your brain juices flowing, and getting something nice for the CV.
    3DS FC: 0516-7666-3837
    SW-4128-8032-0729

  20. #2040

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    . .
    Last edited by Zack; July 7th, 2018 at 07:20 PM.

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